Yep, that was a reference for The Graduate. Last weekend was full of highs and lows given that my lowest part was being comforted by a friend as I cried because of the drama going on with The Graduate.
I'll try to spare everyone the details but I will say despite having a conversation just two hours earlier (if that long) about how much better he was doing and how he missed me as a friend, he threw that all away with a few drinks.
I finally confessed to our close friend who I had to get to help me what was going on with him and why we weren't together. He was shocked - I can still see the look on his face from when I shared all the dark truths and pain that I'd endured over the last year. He was so sweet and just comforting. I am so happy for his wife because I know sometimes we as women just need a man to listen and give us an uplifting word.
I'm sure if Pro had gone to the party he would have made me leave the situation and he would have never forgiven The Graduate for causing a scene. In my heart, I'm still so torn about the whole thing. It's amazing how when things seem so familiar and are easy to fall into, you can get a quick dose of reality that all isn't well and that it's best to keep your distance.
I didn't realize how much I'd compartmentalized all my feelings until that night and honestly, the tears have started to return. If I could have my friend back, I would be happy but I know that that honestly isn't possible. He's still sick and he can't be a friend or anything and I can't get sucked back in if it means taking care of him and not myself.
Friday
October, check. November, check, check.
Even though I said I wouldn't worry about the whole once a month dating, I somehow managed to achieve it. In fact, no sooner did I email my partner in crime to tell her I'd given up, then a good friend called to take me out when I was in Baltimore. Does it say something about me that I am only dating people who aren't living in the city I actually live in??
Any how. I managed to go on two dates last weekend while I was in town. i don't count my encounter with Pro on the plane e/t it did end with my confessing how I felt about him... but that was an earlier post.
Here's what I've realized. One of my suitors has morphed into a great guy. Our conversation on Friday was less about hanging out with famous people and doing extremely expensive things and more about what he's looking for in life. When we first reconnected, I'd told him that I was going through a soul-searching phase so he started our time together by asking me what I'd learned. What I learned that I don't think I ever knew was just how he started with nothing and that's why he can only think about business. He's an excellent business man and his success so far has given him the ability to live a lifestyle that is luxurious and still go after what he wants. I looked at some superficial things like that he has certainly put on pounds since we first met but then again so have I so i can't point fingers. All in all, I think he's looking for something substantive. Someone who likes him for him and not what he can do and that he feels is a quality mate. I like how he's always been willing to be there for me if I let him. I like that he can teach me things and that now he seems to respect my opinion and experiences. We bond over things that I haven't found a connection with with other men but I don't know how long those little things can be sustained.
And then there's Goliath. We met up Saturday night and we had a usual good time. He seemed genuinely excited to see me and really made himself available at a time that was convenient to me. He's said he is thinking of coming out to visit me here BUT he is thinking of doing so next year. The thing with him is that he is such a gentleman, I don't know that he has ever been "interested." It felt as if his hugs were more of the attracted than protective this time, they certainly lasted longer, but I can't be sure that I should read anything else into it.
Truth is, if I could have what I want. I want Pro. I feel there's a reason why all this other stuff didn't work. And this week I wondered if my times with them this weekend was a way to put the past behind me. Especially after my weekend in Baltimore. I went out with my favorite hometown cutie and yet, I was more so excited to see how much of a man he'd become. He's handsome and driven and has a good heart and that is what made him attractive. I thought about how Steve Harvey says you should ask a man his short-term and long-term plans and I didn't even have to ask him, since he volunteered the info. He said we should keep in touch but I haven't heard from him since last week. I've put him in the "give time, time" portion of my life. But more than anything, I'm so proud of the man he's become and still strives to be.
So, am I going to put all these dudes in the past? Or should I keep them around until December? I have a friend getting married in SD on Dec. 28. She's holding a plus one for me just in case Pro comes around. I can think of great scenario where he does come but I'm not going to put a damper on how that weekend can turn out -especially since I have an amazing hotel booked for that night!!
Any how. I managed to go on two dates last weekend while I was in town. i don't count my encounter with Pro on the plane e/t it did end with my confessing how I felt about him... but that was an earlier post.
Here's what I've realized. One of my suitors has morphed into a great guy. Our conversation on Friday was less about hanging out with famous people and doing extremely expensive things and more about what he's looking for in life. When we first reconnected, I'd told him that I was going through a soul-searching phase so he started our time together by asking me what I'd learned. What I learned that I don't think I ever knew was just how he started with nothing and that's why he can only think about business. He's an excellent business man and his success so far has given him the ability to live a lifestyle that is luxurious and still go after what he wants. I looked at some superficial things like that he has certainly put on pounds since we first met but then again so have I so i can't point fingers. All in all, I think he's looking for something substantive. Someone who likes him for him and not what he can do and that he feels is a quality mate. I like how he's always been willing to be there for me if I let him. I like that he can teach me things and that now he seems to respect my opinion and experiences. We bond over things that I haven't found a connection with with other men but I don't know how long those little things can be sustained.
And then there's Goliath. We met up Saturday night and we had a usual good time. He seemed genuinely excited to see me and really made himself available at a time that was convenient to me. He's said he is thinking of coming out to visit me here BUT he is thinking of doing so next year. The thing with him is that he is such a gentleman, I don't know that he has ever been "interested." It felt as if his hugs were more of the attracted than protective this time, they certainly lasted longer, but I can't be sure that I should read anything else into it.
Truth is, if I could have what I want. I want Pro. I feel there's a reason why all this other stuff didn't work. And this week I wondered if my times with them this weekend was a way to put the past behind me. Especially after my weekend in Baltimore. I went out with my favorite hometown cutie and yet, I was more so excited to see how much of a man he'd become. He's handsome and driven and has a good heart and that is what made him attractive. I thought about how Steve Harvey says you should ask a man his short-term and long-term plans and I didn't even have to ask him, since he volunteered the info. He said we should keep in touch but I haven't heard from him since last week. I've put him in the "give time, time" portion of my life. But more than anything, I'm so proud of the man he's become and still strives to be.
So, am I going to put all these dudes in the past? Or should I keep them around until December? I have a friend getting married in SD on Dec. 28. She's holding a plus one for me just in case Pro comes around. I can think of great scenario where he does come but I'm not going to put a damper on how that weekend can turn out -especially since I have an amazing hotel booked for that night!!
You never know a good thing...
until you have it actually. It doesn't have to be gone. Sometimes you can enjoy the moment. That's how I feel about Pro. When he came to visit in September, I LOVED how it felt to come home and have him waiting there and have him all to myself. And to just have someone who gets me and that I can be myself with and him me and that we didn't want to rush anything.
How much did I enjoy it? Well, I snapped this picture of our shoes next to each other at the front door. I was like, I could get used to seeing another pair of shoes around this place.
And even though he had to leave, he did leave me with these:
and I tried to keep them alive as long as possible. But even though the flowers died and his shoes are gone. Truth is Pro is still with me in my heart. I just wish I had him more often in the physical. I had the chance to see him last week and I built up all my confidence and told him (in a letter) how I felt. I'm still waiting to hear how he feels. I want and hope for the best. So far he's said nothing but how attracted he is to me but that does not a relationship make. C'mon Pro. I'm rooting for you in so many ways...
How much did I enjoy it? Well, I snapped this picture of our shoes next to each other at the front door. I was like, I could get used to seeing another pair of shoes around this place.
And even though he had to leave, he did leave me with these:
Thursday
Roster
Surprisingly, I feel as though I have a roster of options to keep my dating attention span occupied. I am happy to say that I do have one friend whom I wouldn't dare venture to put into any kind of spot, and I enjoy that because he is able to look out for me and we can have fun without any premeditated behavior between us.
It seems I've still left a few people behind in Houston. One of which is so full of it I can't even begin to give him more than an eye roll when I get texts from him. But there are others who are sweet, caring and seem geniune, but don't make the effort to pursue more.
And then there's pro. Who infuriates me at times and makes me question what kind of person he is at the end of the day. At times I find myself saying "c'mon don't be THAT guy" which is how I know that things wouldn't always be rosy. But given what I've learned about him in so little time and the amount of time we've spent together, I do hope I'll get to see him next month. I'm actually dreading the event I have to attend if I don't get to see him because that means I have to face my ex alone...
But I don't think that's a good enough reason to want to see someone plus I don't know that I want to put him in an awkward position. I just know if it came down to it however, he would protect me and I'd come off as the person who moved on and did better.
I guess that's the thing about exes- no matter how much you may want them to do well, you don't want them to move on before you do. I flaunted The Graduate in front of Piracy last year and now look where I am... I'm not going to our reunion this weekend so even if he does have a gf to flaunt, I don't have the pleasure of seeing it. I'll try not to fret over this for the next two weeks. After all, I've found usually everything I think about lately never really comes to fruition.
And in the meantime, I'll keep everyone on the bench and take myself to the comedy show tomorrow. Self-date night!!
It seems I've still left a few people behind in Houston. One of which is so full of it I can't even begin to give him more than an eye roll when I get texts from him. But there are others who are sweet, caring and seem geniune, but don't make the effort to pursue more.
And then there's pro. Who infuriates me at times and makes me question what kind of person he is at the end of the day. At times I find myself saying "c'mon don't be THAT guy" which is how I know that things wouldn't always be rosy. But given what I've learned about him in so little time and the amount of time we've spent together, I do hope I'll get to see him next month. I'm actually dreading the event I have to attend if I don't get to see him because that means I have to face my ex alone...
But I don't think that's a good enough reason to want to see someone plus I don't know that I want to put him in an awkward position. I just know if it came down to it however, he would protect me and I'd come off as the person who moved on and did better.
I guess that's the thing about exes- no matter how much you may want them to do well, you don't want them to move on before you do. I flaunted The Graduate in front of Piracy last year and now look where I am... I'm not going to our reunion this weekend so even if he does have a gf to flaunt, I don't have the pleasure of seeing it. I'll try not to fret over this for the next two weeks. After all, I've found usually everything I think about lately never really comes to fruition.
And in the meantime, I'll keep everyone on the bench and take myself to the comedy show tomorrow. Self-date night!!
Wedding Planner in Reverse
One of my favorite lines from the movie The Wedding Planner was when JLo says she's a magnet for emotionally unavailable men. For a while, I used to feel that way, and honestly I still do, but the other night I had a light bulb moment as I reflected on something a wise man once told me (and that I've written about before): "You attract what you are attractive to."
And thus, since I feel like I'm emotionally unavailable, I think that's why I've recently found people in my path who are also emotionally unavailable. I can think of a few reasons why I'm emotionally unavailable. The primary being that I am only in LA for a year, that I have been attracted to only one person who has a very similar situation to the graduate, and that I really just value my private time and want to work internationally before settling down.
I think those are good reasons to stay away from people who could derail my plans and thus if any one tries to get too close, I start to create as much distance as possible.
I wonder will it ever change. Perhaps I'm hard wired to long for companionship only because I'm not strong enough to put in the effort needed to sustain a relationship. Part of me knows that's not true because of what I went through last year, but the other part knows that relationship is the main source of my hesitancy.
And thus, since I feel like I'm emotionally unavailable, I think that's why I've recently found people in my path who are also emotionally unavailable. I can think of a few reasons why I'm emotionally unavailable. The primary being that I am only in LA for a year, that I have been attracted to only one person who has a very similar situation to the graduate, and that I really just value my private time and want to work internationally before settling down.
I think those are good reasons to stay away from people who could derail my plans and thus if any one tries to get too close, I start to create as much distance as possible.
I wonder will it ever change. Perhaps I'm hard wired to long for companionship only because I'm not strong enough to put in the effort needed to sustain a relationship. Part of me knows that's not true because of what I went through last year, but the other part knows that relationship is the main source of my hesitancy.
Insecurities, check
Have you ever been out with a guy and you had no clue why they were interested in you? And as a result that makes all your insecurities kick in. And sometimes even if you aren't completely interested, you find yourself waiting it out just to see what will happen because they show so much interest?
Well, that's how I feel about a certain guy from my past. I realized that when we last connected I was so internally screwed up from the graduate that I didn't appreciate all he was willing to do for me. And so I let time pass by without a returned phone call and so did he. But, upon realizing this I decided a few weeks ago to send him an e-mail to apologize for taking him for granted.
Little did I know that he'd respond so favorably. I was shocked that he exchanged pleasantries and seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being. So imagine how after a few weeks of exchanged e-mails today he decided to take a chance and give me a call.
All I can think about his how my male friend who once saw the two of us together (when I was with the graduate) immediately picked up on how into me he was. It was something I didn't realize until he said something.
I have no idea what could come of our renewed communication given that he is in Houston now and I'm in LA, but, I do find myself hoping that since he knows I'll be home in two weeks, I will get an invite to hang out or go for another chopstick lesson.
Well, that's how I feel about a certain guy from my past. I realized that when we last connected I was so internally screwed up from the graduate that I didn't appreciate all he was willing to do for me. And so I let time pass by without a returned phone call and so did he. But, upon realizing this I decided a few weeks ago to send him an e-mail to apologize for taking him for granted.
Little did I know that he'd respond so favorably. I was shocked that he exchanged pleasantries and seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being. So imagine how after a few weeks of exchanged e-mails today he decided to take a chance and give me a call.
All I can think about his how my male friend who once saw the two of us together (when I was with the graduate) immediately picked up on how into me he was. It was something I didn't realize until he said something.
I have no idea what could come of our renewed communication given that he is in Houston now and I'm in LA, but, I do find myself hoping that since he knows I'll be home in two weeks, I will get an invite to hang out or go for another chopstick lesson.
Sunday
Moving to more
Pro and I are starting to move to that risky and slim space where we are more than friends but not yet the g and b words... It's exciting but more noticeably for me, exhausting.The reason being is that to get to this point, we both have to sacrifice time to talk. He does so in the afternoon/night when he could be hanging out at dinner with his friends on the trip and I do so when i should be asleep and getting rest for work.
But it's fun to sit and talk to him on face time and see his adorable smile. No matter what he says when he smiles I sadly melt and forgive all. I'm enjoying the time we have together. I'm doing things I've never done before. Some of them are comfortable, some not but at the same time, I'm requiring him to get out of his comfort zone as well.
Part of it stems from the Fifty Shades books which he told me if I read them, he'd tell me more about him. I'm not sure that I've gotten to his core but little by little I'm learning more about what makes him, him. And I'm comforted by the way he approaches his finances- making sure to pay his bills before leaving but also being frugal about his lifestyle when he's away. I can relate to that and it makes me feel better about my discomfort over the lifestyle that Miami-bred guy I used to date wanted to live.
I want to see what else develops without my nagging or putting pressure to make us be something we're not. He asks me quite often what the next step is for me and I don't have a good answer for him. I want to know the reason behind his questioning but I don't ask. Maybe if he asks again, I will. My goal is to be less pre-meditated with him and go with the flow as much as possible. I like how he gets me to try to new things and I shared it with him. My one hope moving forward is that he tells me more about how he feels about me. I suspect there's something to his silence on the subject that comes from his past, but I will wait patiently to find out.
But it's fun to sit and talk to him on face time and see his adorable smile. No matter what he says when he smiles I sadly melt and forgive all. I'm enjoying the time we have together. I'm doing things I've never done before. Some of them are comfortable, some not but at the same time, I'm requiring him to get out of his comfort zone as well.
Part of it stems from the Fifty Shades books which he told me if I read them, he'd tell me more about him. I'm not sure that I've gotten to his core but little by little I'm learning more about what makes him, him. And I'm comforted by the way he approaches his finances- making sure to pay his bills before leaving but also being frugal about his lifestyle when he's away. I can relate to that and it makes me feel better about my discomfort over the lifestyle that Miami-bred guy I used to date wanted to live.
I want to see what else develops without my nagging or putting pressure to make us be something we're not. He asks me quite often what the next step is for me and I don't have a good answer for him. I want to know the reason behind his questioning but I don't ask. Maybe if he asks again, I will. My goal is to be less pre-meditated with him and go with the flow as much as possible. I like how he gets me to try to new things and I shared it with him. My one hope moving forward is that he tells me more about how he feels about me. I suspect there's something to his silence on the subject that comes from his past, but I will wait patiently to find out.
Matching
A few months ago to encourage my friend to get "on the wagon" for dating, I half-heartedly signed up for an online dating site. I decided I wanted to just see what was out there. I found next to nothing. :-)
Which was comforting because I knew I would do better enjoying my life not sitting behind a computer trying to find love. At this moment I have no complaints.
Now that I'm in a new city I decided to change my location to once again see what I was facing. I've been less than enthralled with the people they've sent my way and as a result, I usually ignore the e-mails when they come through.
Today was the exception. One of my matches looked interesting so I decided to click on the profile and read more. I was happy I did. More than anything he talked about his faith and commitment to God and while it could all be false, I was intrigued. I decided to take a chance to message him (it required posting a picture which I will certainly take down after one week if he doesn't respond...) and see if he could recommend a church for me since I'm new to the city. I don't believe women should approach men and that will probably always remain my philosophy so I would love to have a friend who can help me find a place to worship.
I recognize a part of who I am in any relationship depends on my relationship with God so I need to have that on track before I do anything. I don't want to go through the motions with God. I want to have a loving and active relationship so that I can recognize all the information he gives me about the men in my life. I hope he responds and shows how true he is about being a Christian. Then and only then can I think about anything else about him.
Which was comforting because I knew I would do better enjoying my life not sitting behind a computer trying to find love. At this moment I have no complaints.
Now that I'm in a new city I decided to change my location to once again see what I was facing. I've been less than enthralled with the people they've sent my way and as a result, I usually ignore the e-mails when they come through.
Today was the exception. One of my matches looked interesting so I decided to click on the profile and read more. I was happy I did. More than anything he talked about his faith and commitment to God and while it could all be false, I was intrigued. I decided to take a chance to message him (it required posting a picture which I will certainly take down after one week if he doesn't respond...) and see if he could recommend a church for me since I'm new to the city. I don't believe women should approach men and that will probably always remain my philosophy so I would love to have a friend who can help me find a place to worship.
I recognize a part of who I am in any relationship depends on my relationship with God so I need to have that on track before I do anything. I don't want to go through the motions with God. I want to have a loving and active relationship so that I can recognize all the information he gives me about the men in my life. I hope he responds and shows how true he is about being a Christian. Then and only then can I think about anything else about him.
Broken Souvenirs
Whenever I go on vacation, my nieces know to expect a present. In years past they've received every musical instrument sold on islands, including a paddle drum, recorder, maracas... There's just one thing that all of these gifts have in common- they all have the life span of maybe one to three weeks. Inevitably, something breaks off the toy and it gets discarded- forgotten from thereon.
That's how I felt about my island friend. At first he was a novelty and my ego benefitted from being wanted- pursued even - but then when reality arrived, I saw how flawed this toy was and I didn't want to play any more.
This move has helped create distance without me even trying which is why I also think it is the work of my heavenly creator. As I accepted my role of one of the people who would help him think about his relationship with Christ, I decided that it was the only role I felt comfortable playing. I saw that my time had expired.
Unfortunately, he didn't. So there have been several missed calls and he even recently blocked his number and called me with a frantic voice of whether I was okay. Because I skyped with Pro the other day and I've been talking to my family and friends back home, I haven't signed out. This morning I woke up and had a message from him asking how things are. I know it's time to cut the cord. If I'm going to live a life that's good and true, I must be honest. I've moved on to other toys in the playbox with more longevity.
That's how I felt about my island friend. At first he was a novelty and my ego benefitted from being wanted- pursued even - but then when reality arrived, I saw how flawed this toy was and I didn't want to play any more.
This move has helped create distance without me even trying which is why I also think it is the work of my heavenly creator. As I accepted my role of one of the people who would help him think about his relationship with Christ, I decided that it was the only role I felt comfortable playing. I saw that my time had expired.
Unfortunately, he didn't. So there have been several missed calls and he even recently blocked his number and called me with a frantic voice of whether I was okay. Because I skyped with Pro the other day and I've been talking to my family and friends back home, I haven't signed out. This morning I woke up and had a message from him asking how things are. I know it's time to cut the cord. If I'm going to live a life that's good and true, I must be honest. I've moved on to other toys in the playbox with more longevity.
Thursday
Schrödinger's cat
I heard about this experiment twice in one day this week and it is kind of fitting with what happened with Pro this week. It speaks to taking action to determine if something is or isn't what you think/hope it will be. In my case, the action necessary to determine our next level wasn't taken. I am going to mentally train myself that this was a good thing. After all, I'd prayed several times that we wouldn't make the wrong choice and I think God answered my prayer. Actually, not think. Know. And it feels good to know he's answering my prayers again (post to come soon about that) and I hope he will continue to guide us both (hopefully together) in the future.
A dig
Tonight I took a dig at The Graduate on Facebook. I've been getting into posting things again and well, I felt the need to let him know that some people follow through on their word when they say they will spend time with me. I guess lately when I replay things in my head I realize how much of a jerk he was and I get angry. And some days I want to call him and tell him what a jerk he was.
So this was my outlet today. If I didn't know where things were headed with Pro I would have put more but I don't want to be spiteful and have God take away this wonderful blossoming relationship. Ok, as I typed that sentence I realized I should say I don't want to be more spiteful by saying more about what I'm not sure of.
I think it's kind of funny how when I look at how things are developing, Pro and I are really trying to be friends first. I try to wait and ask him everything I want to know without assuming or looking to others to answer the question. We really are just friends helping each other out and encouraging the other along the way. Maybe that won't be enough to blossom into romance, but maybe it will... I will do my best to just enjoy the moment.
So this was my outlet today. If I didn't know where things were headed with Pro I would have put more but I don't want to be spiteful and have God take away this wonderful blossoming relationship. Ok, as I typed that sentence I realized I should say I don't want to be more spiteful by saying more about what I'm not sure of.
I think it's kind of funny how when I look at how things are developing, Pro and I are really trying to be friends first. I try to wait and ask him everything I want to know without assuming or looking to others to answer the question. We really are just friends helping each other out and encouraging the other along the way. Maybe that won't be enough to blossom into romance, but maybe it will... I will do my best to just enjoy the moment.
The Best
I've officially moved and Pro followed through on his promise to visit and hang out with me. We had a good time and I was thoroughly impressed how even though he ran into a few travel hiccups, he made it a point to spend time with me. As in as much time as he had originally promised he would.
IT FELT GOOD to have someone show me how much I meant to him by spending a lot of time with me. Today alone we were together for eight hours!!! And he had other people he was supposed to see but he chose me.
He's leaving Saturday to go out of the country for SIX WEEKS!!! That makes me sad. Although I will probably need that time to get adjusted to work, I'm sure he won't be too far off my mind.
I'm going to try hard not to over think this time around because what I thought was a tragic ending the last time proved to be okay given that he still wanted to see me this time. Last night when he left he sent me a text telling me he had a great time. And today before he left, he told me he really enjoyed my company. It's probably just his personality but he and I have had a good rapport from day one and he obviously feels comfortable with me - he rummaged through all my cabinets and even made fun of my lazy food choices (ramen noodles).
Before we parted today we had a talk about the state of "us." He said he wants to see how things play out as we become good friends and I think that is the wisest decision we could have made no matter how attracted we are to each other. From what he said, it sounded like he took some things into consideration that I shared and I appreciate his concern. I really want to believe its sincere.And he's challenged me to read this book series so that he and I can talk more about his past.
When I broke up with The Graduate part of it was that what he said didn't match what he did. Pro says things and does them. It's that simple. And he doesn't just do it with me, which is what is nice. I was honored that he wanted to spend his last night in the states having dinner with me (its just too bad that I am leaving so we had to change plans)...
He shared that while he's away he anticipates a lot of change in his life in terms of the people he chooses to spend his time with. I can only hope that our friendship will continue to develop during this six weeks. And if it does, then I hope I can return the favor for him and go visit him next time.
I should have savored our hug more. But it was a good hug and I'll try to recollect it when I go to bed tonight. Man, he is an awesome man.
IT FELT GOOD to have someone show me how much I meant to him by spending a lot of time with me. Today alone we were together for eight hours!!! And he had other people he was supposed to see but he chose me.
He's leaving Saturday to go out of the country for SIX WEEKS!!! That makes me sad. Although I will probably need that time to get adjusted to work, I'm sure he won't be too far off my mind.
I'm going to try hard not to over think this time around because what I thought was a tragic ending the last time proved to be okay given that he still wanted to see me this time. Last night when he left he sent me a text telling me he had a great time. And today before he left, he told me he really enjoyed my company. It's probably just his personality but he and I have had a good rapport from day one and he obviously feels comfortable with me - he rummaged through all my cabinets and even made fun of my lazy food choices (ramen noodles).
Before we parted today we had a talk about the state of "us." He said he wants to see how things play out as we become good friends and I think that is the wisest decision we could have made no matter how attracted we are to each other. From what he said, it sounded like he took some things into consideration that I shared and I appreciate his concern. I really want to believe its sincere.And he's challenged me to read this book series so that he and I can talk more about his past.
When I broke up with The Graduate part of it was that what he said didn't match what he did. Pro says things and does them. It's that simple. And he doesn't just do it with me, which is what is nice. I was honored that he wanted to spend his last night in the states having dinner with me (its just too bad that I am leaving so we had to change plans)...
He shared that while he's away he anticipates a lot of change in his life in terms of the people he chooses to spend his time with. I can only hope that our friendship will continue to develop during this six weeks. And if it does, then I hope I can return the favor for him and go visit him next time.
I should have savored our hug more. But it was a good hug and I'll try to recollect it when I go to bed tonight. Man, he is an awesome man.
Last Chance
Over the weekend I went to visit friends. The original plan was to do a group activitiy where my married friend's best friend would attend. In the past, they've tried to hook us up but timing has always been off so finally this was going to be the one time where we were both were single.
Well, I guess he was put off by the fact that I'm moving to LA because he didn't make the effort to show, despite us texting for weeks before hand about all the fun we were going to have.
I was disappointed but also had the sneaking suspicion that he was on a date and that's why he backed out of the group event. And all I could think was, that's too bad...for him.
Despite his absenteeism we all had a great time together. More and more every day I'm making peace with being alone which allows me to be selfish. I still have a big crush on Pro but I don't know that he wants to commit to what I want so I should look out for me.
Well, I guess he was put off by the fact that I'm moving to LA because he didn't make the effort to show, despite us texting for weeks before hand about all the fun we were going to have.
I was disappointed but also had the sneaking suspicion that he was on a date and that's why he backed out of the group event. And all I could think was, that's too bad...for him.
Despite his absenteeism we all had a great time together. More and more every day I'm making peace with being alone which allows me to be selfish. I still have a big crush on Pro but I don't know that he wants to commit to what I want so I should look out for me.
Purging
Because of my move next week I've had to start cleaning my room and thus I've come across pictures and other momentos from my time with The Graduate. Even though I'm in a better place because I knew it was time to end it, a little part of me pains every time I find another piece of our life together. Today I found the paper bag that drove to school and left in the fridge for me.
It contained watermelon and on the outside he wrote a sweet message. It was a demonstration of the sweet stuff he was capable of doing when he didn't put anyone else before me. The moments that were few and far in between during our year together but that I had to live for and constantly remind myself of until the next event happened.
I'm undecided on whether I'll post the picture of the bag (my compromise for being able to actually part with it). It's not that there's anything super personal on it but I just don't know if one day I do decide to get over him if I want to view the message again.
It contained watermelon and on the outside he wrote a sweet message. It was a demonstration of the sweet stuff he was capable of doing when he didn't put anyone else before me. The moments that were few and far in between during our year together but that I had to live for and constantly remind myself of until the next event happened.
I'm undecided on whether I'll post the picture of the bag (my compromise for being able to actually part with it). It's not that there's anything super personal on it but I just don't know if one day I do decide to get over him if I want to view the message again.
Kelly Clarkson was right
During my trip to T&T I had an epiphany during our hike in the rain forest. We were on the trail with a married couple. Towards the end of the trip, the wife started to get weary* and so her husband began to hold her hand and support her as we walked over rocks, sticks, branches, etc.
The way he took care of her was sweet and as I sloshed around in my Wellingtons a little part of me wished I had a male companion to hold my hand and enjoy the adventure with and then at nearly the exact moment the lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's pop hit "Stronger" came to mind. Sure, it just repeats the age old adage that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but in that moment, it helped me realize that as long as I didn't die by falling off the edge of the walking trail, that my being able to hike alone in the rocky terrain really did make me stronger.
Lately it seems as though every trip I go on there's a special moment that I wish I could share with an equally (if not more) special person but I'm learning to be more thankful for having the moment at all regardless of who is present.
*later we'd put all the context clues together and realize she was pregnant
 |
| The married couple on our trip |
Lately it seems as though every trip I go on there's a special moment that I wish I could share with an equally (if not more) special person but I'm learning to be more thankful for having the moment at all regardless of who is present.
*later we'd put all the context clues together and realize she was pregnant
Tuesday
One Date a Month Challenge Gets Press
This story was printed in February but with everything I had going on, I didn't get a chance to blog about it. This is a story written about my friend who I encouraged to take the challenge. ENJOY!:
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2012/feb/24/trish-choate-one-date-a-month-achieving-success/
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2012/feb/24/trish-choate-one-date-a-month-achieving-success/
WASHINGTON — Veronica checked her dance card.
Empty. Sigh.
My friend "Veronica" is a 35-year-old confident, outgoing woman with good looks to spare. She was single, living in a great Southern city and loving her job. But she just wasn't meeting anyone.
"You're goal-oriented. Make dating a goal," one of her friends told her.
Veronica took the challenge: Go on one date a month for a year.
Easy, right? Just one date.
But by Nov. 25, 2010, in the first awkward month, she hadn't met her goal.
Veronica doesn't like to fail, so when she spotted an appealing guy at the gym, she asked him if she could buy him a smoothie.
She had to toss out whatever hang-ups she had to meet her goal.
"It changed my behavior dramatically and what I accepted as a way to get to know somebody," she said.
She kept her eyeballs open for the cab share and such who might turn into a first date, invested in an online profile on Match.com and filled out a profile on the free site, OkCupid.
A year later, she'd had more than 40, PG-13 first dates.
She's thinking of writing a book, "The Art of the Awkward Conversation," but she thinks it was worth it.
"It made last year very interesting," she said.
Veronica is allergic to alcohol, ruling out the happy-hour drink and ruling in ice skating, glass blowing, hiking, kayaking, going on a photo safari, country line dancing/mechanical bull riding, shopping for Mother's Day presents and more.
"I now have all these friends, this very large network of single dudes from a bunch of different industries," Veronica said. "Some of them have met each other and they go golfing together."
She had Thanksgiving dinner with three of them, and Veronica regularly hangs out with several first dates as friends.
Some have girlfriends now, and those girlfriends introduce Veronica to other people.
She recommended her method to other women friends struggling to meet someone.
"Anything you want to succeed at, successful people spend more time doing," Veronica said.
Last year, several friends took the challenge, too.
"We would all check in once a month and gossip about the good, the bad and the ugly," she said.
Then it started being fun, even when things went south, because they couldn't wait to tell each other what had just happened.
Veronica's good attitude has served her well. She figures there are millions of people in the world. Most of them you'll never meet and most of those you do meet, you won't feel a connection to.
But there's somebody out there who wants to meet you.
"I am still a single girl seeking awesome boy," she said. "But I can't complain too much because these guys are still cooking for me, washing my car, fixing things in the house, taking me to concerts, dancing and hiking."
Veronica thinks I should take the challenge: one date a month for one year.
Maybe I will.
It's the Hardest Thing
The Backstreet Boys crooned "It's the hardest thing I ever had to do is look you in the eyes and tell you I don't love you." Well, sometimes the hardest thing is to tell someone you love them but still inform them that you are walking away because it is what's best.
Sunday The Graduate and I had a long overdue chat about our relationship status. I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it was over between us hence my resuming my ODAM challenge but we hadn't officially stated what we'd do.
I am still amazed (as is he) that through everything we went through (including numerous times where he just didn't step up to the plate) I still treat him with love and respect and do my best to encourage him. I honestly don't know how whatever anger I enter with melts away and turns to compassion by the end of our conversations but I guess I've truly learned to live out the lessons of love that I studied for so many months as things were taking a turn for the worst.
That I guess is what matters in the end. They say every relationship teaches you something. For me, I've learned to not try to fix others and to look for someone who truly loves themselves. I noticed a difference in my approach after the conversation. I allowed myself some time that day to mourn, but I made sure I kept the appointments I had scheduled for the rest of the day. My resolve, will, whatever is going to guide me through whatever comes next.
Sunday The Graduate and I had a long overdue chat about our relationship status. I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it was over between us hence my resuming my ODAM challenge but we hadn't officially stated what we'd do.
I am still amazed (as is he) that through everything we went through (including numerous times where he just didn't step up to the plate) I still treat him with love and respect and do my best to encourage him. I honestly don't know how whatever anger I enter with melts away and turns to compassion by the end of our conversations but I guess I've truly learned to live out the lessons of love that I studied for so many months as things were taking a turn for the worst.
That I guess is what matters in the end. They say every relationship teaches you something. For me, I've learned to not try to fix others and to look for someone who truly loves themselves. I noticed a difference in my approach after the conversation. I allowed myself some time that day to mourn, but I made sure I kept the appointments I had scheduled for the rest of the day. My resolve, will, whatever is going to guide me through whatever comes next.
Done and Done
And by that I mean July dating goal is complete. Yes, I recognize that today is only July 3. What can I say? When I'm on a role, I'm on a role... (for the record I completed my goal on July 1-just saying).
The second part of the title also represents that my August date is already lined up. Pro is coming to LA the week after I move and wants to go out again. I think given my feelings I can do that...
What's amazing to me is this new sense of empowerment I feel. I don't think it's based on the fact that someone is interested in me but more so the realization that I have multiple people interested and I have the ability to pick and choose (or not choose) any one of them. And right now, I'm just enjoying the pleasure of their company and allowing them to do the same.
Let's see how long I can keep up this streak...
The second part of the title also represents that my August date is already lined up. Pro is coming to LA the week after I move and wants to go out again. I think given my feelings I can do that...
What's amazing to me is this new sense of empowerment I feel. I don't think it's based on the fact that someone is interested in me but more so the realization that I have multiple people interested and I have the ability to pick and choose (or not choose) any one of them. And right now, I'm just enjoying the pleasure of their company and allowing them to do the same.
Let's see how long I can keep up this streak...
Why Men Love "The Notebook"
Recently after "The Pro" told me the Notebook was his favorite movie, I was amazed that it was the same for my father. He's long sworn that he and my mother's marriage will end the same way -in a beautiful display of love.
Today the cynic side of me started to wonder whether The Pro used that as a pickup line but as life would have it, ABC Family was showing it today and I really saw it through men's eyes.
Here are just a few of the insights I picked up as to why men love "The Notebook."
1. It speaks to their insecurities of getting a woman who loves him for exactly who he is - In the movie Noah started with humble means but he was devoted to his vow to Allie who loved him for who he was and not what he had. That love is what drove him forward every single day even when other people thought he was crazy.
2. It shows a man winning a woman he thought he'd lost back despite when other men have expressed interest. - Let's be honest, men love winning and there's nothing more appealing than winning back a woman who you'd thought you'd lost to someone who others may even consider a better man.
3. It appeals to their sensitive side, their ability to care for a woman they love just as marriage vows require (sickness and in health)- The few times in my life that I've seen my dad care for my mom it was when she was sick. Sure occasionally, he'll do something as simple as giving my mom a massage or going to retrieve a drink for her and he feels that's worthy of a press release but I typically roll my eyes in those times. However, The Notebook does portray how love can make a man live every day taking care of the woman he loves, knowing that he may not get a thank you from her but not regretting a moment or even opting out of the precious time he has left with her.
4. It shows the happiness two people who love each other can truly share. - Although I really don't think any explanation of this one is needed, I think deep down men crave the security of a relationship built on love as much as women and when they see this in the movie, they can't help but love the film.
Watch the film for yourself (if you haven't already) and let me know what you think.
Sunday
Have Fun
That's the advice my godmother has given me about my interactions with "Pro." I explained the situation and she was leery as always but more so because he's the combination of all the things that haven't worked out for me in the past.
Her advice was to do exactly what I've been doing: if he doesn't call for two weeks but then suddenly does, treat him the same way. Essentially don't sweat him and if I am sweating him, don't let him see that I am. Easier said than done.
Especially since I have that adage of "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting to get different results." Like maybe my way of holding in my feelings until a guy shares his is what gets me in trouble. But then in the end, I always feel like I still gave in too soon and should have made him work for my affection, so maybe that's the part I need to change.
To say I'm torn is an understatement. So all I can do is pray for an answer on how to get him to put me on the short list of people he'll communicate with during his six-week stay in New Zealand.
He's said he's only going to e-mail and Skype people and I believe if I were on that list, things could turn around for us. To quote my fave crooner John Legend "Heaven Only Knows."
Her advice was to do exactly what I've been doing: if he doesn't call for two weeks but then suddenly does, treat him the same way. Essentially don't sweat him and if I am sweating him, don't let him see that I am. Easier said than done.
Especially since I have that adage of "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting to get different results." Like maybe my way of holding in my feelings until a guy shares his is what gets me in trouble. But then in the end, I always feel like I still gave in too soon and should have made him work for my affection, so maybe that's the part I need to change.
To say I'm torn is an understatement. So all I can do is pray for an answer on how to get him to put me on the short list of people he'll communicate with during his six-week stay in New Zealand.
He's said he's only going to e-mail and Skype people and I believe if I were on that list, things could turn around for us. To quote my fave crooner John Legend "Heaven Only Knows."
Great date ideas
Here's some more dating tips I think other guys could learn from Islander. Sure, they may be oldie, but goodies, but here are some good places for guys to take women on dates.
1. Airplane watching - this is a little more difficult to do in the U.S. with all the added security measures, but I must admit sitting, watching airplanes land is more appealing than I thought. Sure, I had Gary Allan's song playing in the back of my head but it made for a good soundtrack as we watched the planes clear the ocean and then make it to the tarmac.
2. Historic site- this only works if you know enough about the story of the site you visit. You don't want to go overboard on the details to make it boring or like a class, but you want to know enough to field a few questions from your date. In this case Islander took me to a fort and told me the story of the fort. It wasn't like I was paying total attention (I know that's a running theme with me) because I was mostly waiting on him to make his move, but I did hear him talk enough with confidence to feel satisfied.
3. Walk on the beach - Everyone doesn't have this option, but if you do, do it. It's not overdone. Nor do I think it could be. You don't have to do it at sunset either. Just the simple suggestion evokes a positive reaction in women. Go for it!
4. Star gazing - I'd never paid enough attention to the sky to know what constituted the big dipper or the little dipper, but when Islander pointed them out, I was suddenly interested. I didn't go out and buy a telescope when I returned home, but I did find myself thinking how cool it was to sit and watch the big, beautiful sky and talk about my past and future with a good looking guy.
I'm pretty practical and one of the least romantic women I know based on my current refusal to watch most rom/coms and chick flicks so if these dates worked on me, they will more than likely work on most any woman.
1. Airplane watching - this is a little more difficult to do in the U.S. with all the added security measures, but I must admit sitting, watching airplanes land is more appealing than I thought. Sure, I had Gary Allan's song playing in the back of my head but it made for a good soundtrack as we watched the planes clear the ocean and then make it to the tarmac.
2. Historic site- this only works if you know enough about the story of the site you visit. You don't want to go overboard on the details to make it boring or like a class, but you want to know enough to field a few questions from your date. In this case Islander took me to a fort and told me the story of the fort. It wasn't like I was paying total attention (I know that's a running theme with me) because I was mostly waiting on him to make his move, but I did hear him talk enough with confidence to feel satisfied.
3. Walk on the beach - Everyone doesn't have this option, but if you do, do it. It's not overdone. Nor do I think it could be. You don't have to do it at sunset either. Just the simple suggestion evokes a positive reaction in women. Go for it!
4. Star gazing - I'd never paid enough attention to the sky to know what constituted the big dipper or the little dipper, but when Islander pointed them out, I was suddenly interested. I didn't go out and buy a telescope when I returned home, but I did find myself thinking how cool it was to sit and watch the big, beautiful sky and talk about my past and future with a good looking guy.
I'm pretty practical and one of the least romantic women I know based on my current refusal to watch most rom/coms and chick flicks so if these dates worked on me, they will more than likely work on most any woman.
Does not inspire confidence...
In grad school for every course we took we had to evaluate the course at the end of the term. One of the questions required us to rate on a scale of 1 to 5 the ability to which the professor inspired confidence in our individual abilities to understand the subject based on their teaching ability.
That question continues to stick in my mind as a suitor, we'll call "youngin" continues to hit on me while being involved with his girlfriend.
As I learned in February he began dating her in November, shortly before my relationship collapsed. He informed me that had he known then, he would have ended things but that now he was "in it." I know. Very romantic. Despite his admission, he still texts every Monday (unless I can get a break by saying something that makes him come to his senses for a few weeks) to flirt or ask me if we can "cuddle." My answer never changes: NO! And I tell him that he should be more concerned with his girlfriend. I've also pleaded with him not to break her heart. I don't know if it's possible.
In some of our exchanges, he's asked what's wrong with cuddling even though he has a significant other. I told him immediately, your desire to spend time cuddling with me when you have a girlfriend does not inspire confidence that you a) really like me enough to break up with her and see how things go with me and b) that you would be faithful to me if we were together. As a result, the answer remains no. I went so far as to tell him that if he and she never broke up at a time when I was single then that meant he and I were not meant to be and that I was okay with that.
A few weeks ago the night of the fight, he texted to see where I was going to watch the fight. When I informed him I had a migraine that I was going home to take care of, he offered to come over and sit with me. I told him with as much patience as possible that I couldn't deal with his flirting that night with the girlfriend still in the picture. He said she wasn't. Despite how tempting it was to have someone take care of me, I still declined. That was Saturday night. When I saw him three days later on Tuesday, they were back together. Apparently, they broke up for a short time.
I told him it might be in his best interest to really think about if this was the person he wanted to spend his spare time with since he seems to be in so much conflict all the time. I suggested he think about that and make the decision best for him and not bring anyone else in his drama until then. My phone has been quiet but then again, tomorrow is Monday.
As I learned in February he began dating her in November, shortly before my relationship collapsed. He informed me that had he known then, he would have ended things but that now he was "in it." I know. Very romantic. Despite his admission, he still texts every Monday (unless I can get a break by saying something that makes him come to his senses for a few weeks) to flirt or ask me if we can "cuddle." My answer never changes: NO! And I tell him that he should be more concerned with his girlfriend. I've also pleaded with him not to break her heart. I don't know if it's possible.
In some of our exchanges, he's asked what's wrong with cuddling even though he has a significant other. I told him immediately, your desire to spend time cuddling with me when you have a girlfriend does not inspire confidence that you a) really like me enough to break up with her and see how things go with me and b) that you would be faithful to me if we were together. As a result, the answer remains no. I went so far as to tell him that if he and she never broke up at a time when I was single then that meant he and I were not meant to be and that I was okay with that.
A few weeks ago the night of the fight, he texted to see where I was going to watch the fight. When I informed him I had a migraine that I was going home to take care of, he offered to come over and sit with me. I told him with as much patience as possible that I couldn't deal with his flirting that night with the girlfriend still in the picture. He said she wasn't. Despite how tempting it was to have someone take care of me, I still declined. That was Saturday night. When I saw him three days later on Tuesday, they were back together. Apparently, they broke up for a short time.
I told him it might be in his best interest to really think about if this was the person he wanted to spend his spare time with since he seems to be in so much conflict all the time. I suggested he think about that and make the decision best for him and not bring anyone else in his drama until then. My phone has been quiet but then again, tomorrow is Monday.
Perhaps that's what this is about
I've been reading A LOT of Christian books lately. The two I'm currently reading are about exemplifying God's love by acting in love to other people and also by witnessing to others.
I'd actually started to lament that I didn't have any weekly interactions with people to allow me to do so when I had a shocking conversation with Islander today.
When he asked about my day I told him I went to church. He asked did I pray for him and I said yes. He then apologized for using bad language in front of me and then he asked how often I went to church. His astonished reaction to my reply of "at least once a week," startled me. Sure, I know he spends his weekends on the beach talking to tourists about boat tours but surely, he goes to church at some point.
Apparently, not.
When I asked, he estimated he hadn't been to church in seven years and that was because his niece was being christened. Had I not been in the bed, I surely would have fallen on the floor with that omission.
He also shared however that a few days ago he was thinking about whether or not he should return to church. Apparently he was raised as a Seventh Day Adventist and he went to church often as a child, but in his adult life abroad, he strayed away and never "found time." He said he wants to pursue his faith again but he doesn't want to be a hypocrite because he knows there are several things that he needs to work on to live righteously.
Immediately, all I could think was- wow, God- is this my opportunity? Is this why you allowed me to meet him- to save his soul? And if so, I'm fine with that. I can see the good in him but I can also see where we aren't equally yoked because he doesn't have a strong spiritual foundation.
Even though I'm tired of fixing up other men for other women, if I can help him save his soul by praying for him and helping him see the light, then I can do nothing but serve God with gladness.
To be continued...
Apparently, not.
When I asked, he estimated he hadn't been to church in seven years and that was because his niece was being christened. Had I not been in the bed, I surely would have fallen on the floor with that omission.
He also shared however that a few days ago he was thinking about whether or not he should return to church. Apparently he was raised as a Seventh Day Adventist and he went to church often as a child, but in his adult life abroad, he strayed away and never "found time." He said he wants to pursue his faith again but he doesn't want to be a hypocrite because he knows there are several things that he needs to work on to live righteously.
Immediately, all I could think was- wow, God- is this my opportunity? Is this why you allowed me to meet him- to save his soul? And if so, I'm fine with that. I can see the good in him but I can also see where we aren't equally yoked because he doesn't have a strong spiritual foundation.
Even though I'm tired of fixing up other men for other women, if I can help him save his soul by praying for him and helping him see the light, then I can do nothing but serve God with gladness.
To be continued...
Language Lessons
Because the international date, from hereafter who will be called "Islander" has lived in England, he's picked up a few lessons in French.
Which is just perfect because I know Spanish.
So,when we communicate, we've found that the two of us rely on our second languages but the other has no idea what the other is saying. As a result, he decided to take time today to teach me French.
I'd like to think I'm a wiling student however, I don't think Skype quality necessarily allows me to say every word correctly.
It's quite sexy to hear his English-inspired accent pronouncing the French words over and over as I attempt them. In fact, it's downright distracting.
And as if that wasn't enough to distract me, he chose today to teach me how to say "C'est mon compain" or in English, "this is my boyfriend." Ummm... really, I didn't know we had reached that title status.
In fact, I thought we were still in the "continuing to get to know each other phase."
My ability to retain anything he taught me after that was nil. I hope he's a patient teacher. Or that he can catch on to Spanish when it's my time to instruct.
Sorta like the Energizer Bunny
My international date has continued to make his way onto my calendar. If I sound surprised it's because in all honesty, I am. I mean I honestly thought that he might not follow through on continuing contact.
After he called Wednesday night, I sent him a short e-mail saying I thought I missed his call but if he'd be up for skyping this weekend, to let me know.
Color me surprised when I get yet another phone call on Friday afternoon from him attempting to catch up and him telling me that he'd already sent me a skype contact invite so that we could talk.
I had no choice but to follow through. I'll get to the meat of our conversations in a few, but I have to say, I'm amazed at his follow through. I mean, he really does blow the other guys who rely on texting out of the water by calling (which again, is very similar to the other Trini I used to date who called from overseas).
He even called (drunkingly I think) this morning at 12:45 am waking me out of a dead sleep. I don't think he'll try that again.
But as the phone calls keep coming, all I can keep think is that he's sorta like the Energizer Bunny - you know how that slogan is that the batteries keep going and going-well, he keeps calling and calling. A girl could get used to this.
I had no choice but to follow through. I'll get to the meat of our conversations in a few, but I have to say, I'm amazed at his follow through. I mean, he really does blow the other guys who rely on texting out of the water by calling (which again, is very similar to the other Trini I used to date who called from overseas).
He even called (drunkingly I think) this morning at 12:45 am waking me out of a dead sleep. I don't think he'll try that again.
But as the phone calls keep coming, all I can keep think is that he's sorta like the Energizer Bunny - you know how that slogan is that the batteries keep going and going-well, he keeps calling and calling. A girl could get used to this.
Friday
Unexpected Call
Last night before bed, my phone rang. It was a number from Trinidad and Tobago.
I. Was. Shocked.
But since I didn't know who it was that called, I asked my friend to verify the number of the Trini I met last week.
I woke up this morning and her text confirmed. It was him.
Of course I don't have any calling cards to return the call BUT I'm intrigued that he called. And I guess I'll return his call soon at least with an e-mail for the moment.
Thursday
Chair Kicks and Side Cheek Pecks
Tonight I guess I was still high off my vacation experience because I decided to meet a long-time crush to watch the NBA Finals game. For about 1 minute it was just me and him until the two other guys he invited showed up.
While I really wanted to watch the game, I did put a little effort into my appearance in the event that only he and I would show.
Perhaps the other guys were invited b/c he didn't want it to appear to be a date. I have no idea if he's even smart enough to do that. What I did manage to glean is that he is in the market for someone special and that he's open to interracial relationships.
As I told a friend, nothing happened between us unless you count him kicking my chair throughout the night and taunting me when my team lost the game. I don't. I will give him points for great manners however: he gave me the cheek peck when we hugged to say goodbye and he walked me to my car. But that's it.
I figure at this point he sees me as one of the guys considering he invited me to go play golf with them on Saturday. I don't know if I will but who knows, maybe.
I admit it felt good to be back in the "My Boys" atmosphere again but I can see the danger of being perceived like "one of the guys" now at this point in my life and so I don't want to get that label with guys I like.
Perhaps the other guys were invited b/c he didn't want it to appear to be a date. I have no idea if he's even smart enough to do that. What I did manage to glean is that he is in the market for someone special and that he's open to interracial relationships.
As I told a friend, nothing happened between us unless you count him kicking my chair throughout the night and taunting me when my team lost the game. I don't. I will give him points for great manners however: he gave me the cheek peck when we hugged to say goodbye and he walked me to my car. But that's it.
I figure at this point he sees me as one of the guys considering he invited me to go play golf with them on Saturday. I don't know if I will but who knows, maybe.
I admit it felt good to be back in the "My Boys" atmosphere again but I can see the danger of being perceived like "one of the guys" now at this point in my life and so I don't want to get that label with guys I like.
Wednesday
Five things guys should do to attract women
I'm not speaking for all women when I write this post but over the course of my week in Trinidad and Tobago I was approached by several men-all of who took different approaches but the really good ones made me commit to several minutes of talk time at the least if they did one or some of the things I'll mention below. After talking to my friend who was with me, I decided this was a good starter list of what men could do to make them more attractive to women.
1. Be Chivalrous - I don't believe chivalry is dead and some of the guys I've met recently don't either. I've had multiple doors opened, had things carried for me (including my beach chair) and my favorite was being redirected to the other side of the sidewalk by my male companion so that if oncoming traffic took a wrong turn, I'd be protected (in theory) by him. In case the women don't know what you're doing, it's good for the man to explain it to the woman. It may have been a lie, but the men who have done it for me have stated their parents would be really disappointed if they saw him not doing what he'd been taught as a boy. Again, could be a lie but I like the story and thus I will always feel a warm tug at my heart if I guy does this for me.
2. Make her smile/laugh - Any guy who can come up with something witty and make the girl smile has a chance. Really, it's the truth.
3. State your purpose - While it's true you run the risk of getting shot down, you honestly knew that before you approached her. Better to state your purpose (I'd like to go out on a date, I'd like to buy you a drink, etc) and see what happens than kill time, sitting, talking and never following through leaving a question mark on what could happen between the person you're interested in. In the last few weeks I've had guys be very direct about their intentions to spend time with me and I've appreciated their honesty and been able to determine whether to give them my time or not.
4. Call - I've addressed how much I hate the texting dynamic of relationships before but even more so now I believe it's so important for a guy to call a woman once he gets her number. As a guy told me a few weeks ago - if a guy doesn't pick up the phone to call the first time after he meets a woman, you can automatically rule him out (note- he did say the guy was allowed to text if he met a woman that night and wanted to make sure she made it home safe but the next communication should be a call.)
5. BE HONEST- I can't emphasize this enough. Women have great intuition and so if you want to spin lies, you shouldn't approach the woman. "Just Go With It" is a movie. There is no one in your real life who should be willing to help you keep up with small or elaborate lies to be in a relationship. I had a guy tell me within the first few hours of meeting him how he was divorced, had a kid and a lot of other relationship baggage. While it was somewhat concerning he revealed so much immediately, I was glad he put his cards on the table to help me decide whether I was interested.
So, those are my thoughts on what men can do to attract the women they are attracted to. I'd love to hear if you have any additional thoughts or suggestions to the list.
1. Be Chivalrous - I don't believe chivalry is dead and some of the guys I've met recently don't either. I've had multiple doors opened, had things carried for me (including my beach chair) and my favorite was being redirected to the other side of the sidewalk by my male companion so that if oncoming traffic took a wrong turn, I'd be protected (in theory) by him. In case the women don't know what you're doing, it's good for the man to explain it to the woman. It may have been a lie, but the men who have done it for me have stated their parents would be really disappointed if they saw him not doing what he'd been taught as a boy. Again, could be a lie but I like the story and thus I will always feel a warm tug at my heart if I guy does this for me.
2. Make her smile/laugh - Any guy who can come up with something witty and make the girl smile has a chance. Really, it's the truth.
3. State your purpose - While it's true you run the risk of getting shot down, you honestly knew that before you approached her. Better to state your purpose (I'd like to go out on a date, I'd like to buy you a drink, etc) and see what happens than kill time, sitting, talking and never following through leaving a question mark on what could happen between the person you're interested in. In the last few weeks I've had guys be very direct about their intentions to spend time with me and I've appreciated their honesty and been able to determine whether to give them my time or not.
4. Call - I've addressed how much I hate the texting dynamic of relationships before but even more so now I believe it's so important for a guy to call a woman once he gets her number. As a guy told me a few weeks ago - if a guy doesn't pick up the phone to call the first time after he meets a woman, you can automatically rule him out (note- he did say the guy was allowed to text if he met a woman that night and wanted to make sure she made it home safe but the next communication should be a call.)
5. BE HONEST- I can't emphasize this enough. Women have great intuition and so if you want to spin lies, you shouldn't approach the woman. "Just Go With It" is a movie. There is no one in your real life who should be willing to help you keep up with small or elaborate lies to be in a relationship. I had a guy tell me within the first few hours of meeting him how he was divorced, had a kid and a lot of other relationship baggage. While it was somewhat concerning he revealed so much immediately, I was glad he put his cards on the table to help me decide whether I was interested.
So, those are my thoughts on what men can do to attract the women they are attracted to. I'd love to hear if you have any additional thoughts or suggestions to the list.
Back in the game
During the plane ride of my vacation it occurred to me that I'm officially back in the game. And by the game, I mean the One Date a Month Challenge.
I realized that unknowingly I put on a brave face (one was better than the other) in May and June to meet two different guys. And so in the spirit of the challenge, I even allowed myself to take it one step further and go on an international date while I was in T&T (more to come on that later and other encounters in future posts).
It's weird to be officially participating in the dating structure again, but I think I'm actually at peace with it because I have met some great guys (among the not so great).
At any rate it's good blogging material so I hope you enjoy the next few posts to come.
I realized that unknowingly I put on a brave face (one was better than the other) in May and June to meet two different guys. And so in the spirit of the challenge, I even allowed myself to take it one step further and go on an international date while I was in T&T (more to come on that later and other encounters in future posts).
It's weird to be officially participating in the dating structure again, but I think I'm actually at peace with it because I have met some great guys (among the not so great).
At any rate it's good blogging material so I hope you enjoy the next few posts to come.
Monday
To You...
A letter to you. You know who you are.
Dear You,
I didn't get a chance to say everything I wanted to say this weekend and since I'm getting on a plane, I have a habit of needing to express myself in case I never get the moment to do so ever again.
1. I like you. You're the first guy I've been able to stomach since my boyfriend. And by stomach I mean, I actually look forward to talking to you. I can endure texting you and I look forward to every time I get to see you in person. I also don't try to figure you out too soon. I like it when you share things about your life that I could google but I'd rather get to know you personally.
2. Kids don't scare me. Thanks for sharing what you did. I've been there before and I understand the patience required to navigate this situation so I wouldn't attempt to rush or barge my way into anything.
3. My favorite movie is You've Got Mail. So I'm as big of a softee as you. But I have to admit that U.S. Marshalls is also in my top two so I am slightly hard core.
4. I would love to sit and watch movies with you all day. I could see us passing time in that way with all the movies you and I both feel the other should see. Don't be surprised if other movies are in our future.
5. Maybe we were moving too fast at a point and that we needed to slow down. And maybe once we did, we went too slow that we actually lost some ground. Whatever it is, I hope to continue forward which leads me to:
6. I want us to do the adventures we mentioned. I would love for you to teach me something new and then for us to learn how to do something together. I need adventures in my life and I want someone to share that experience to someone. I also want that person to be you.
7. I was nervous. You brought some high stakes with the pool atmosphere, your workout regimen... I like you. I can't quiet all the self-doubt in my head so some of the things that would be good to say are left unsaid and the things I do say, you may take the wrong way. This is something I'd like to work on. Just like you, I've relied on my writing abilities to help me explain my feelings but I don't want it to be a too little, too late type thing.
8. I don't want you to think I'm only into you because of your past. Which is probably why I even offered to pay half of the bill. It wasn't me dismissing our date, it was me letting you know that I don't want to take advantage of you. And if I appear too independent for you, tell me! There's nothing I want more than to have someone to support who would also support me.
9. Thank you for letting me order my healthy food. I know I may have seem rigid sticking to my meal plan but honestly you and I ordered the same thing for both meals. I can't believe you share my affinity for Frosted Flakes!! I will say even though I didn't indulge in the dessert, you did get me to try something new - the berries. I've never eaten them before but you were so sweet to feed them to me, I couldn't resist. I see that as a metaphor for the future. That you could just show me a different side of life that I haven't tried because no one else has treaded that water first and thus my life lacks until you show how much more fulfilling it can be.
10. I hope I get to say this in person sometime. I'm giving you space now and I hope that when I return I will have some kind of message from you. I hope that you will come spend time with me in my new place of residence when you get back from out of the country and that I can come visit you in your winter residence.
Xs and Os,
Me
1. I like you. You're the first guy I've been able to stomach since my boyfriend. And by stomach I mean, I actually look forward to talking to you. I can endure texting you and I look forward to every time I get to see you in person. I also don't try to figure you out too soon. I like it when you share things about your life that I could google but I'd rather get to know you personally.
2. Kids don't scare me. Thanks for sharing what you did. I've been there before and I understand the patience required to navigate this situation so I wouldn't attempt to rush or barge my way into anything.
3. My favorite movie is You've Got Mail. So I'm as big of a softee as you. But I have to admit that U.S. Marshalls is also in my top two so I am slightly hard core.
4. I would love to sit and watch movies with you all day. I could see us passing time in that way with all the movies you and I both feel the other should see. Don't be surprised if other movies are in our future.
5. Maybe we were moving too fast at a point and that we needed to slow down. And maybe once we did, we went too slow that we actually lost some ground. Whatever it is, I hope to continue forward which leads me to:
6. I want us to do the adventures we mentioned. I would love for you to teach me something new and then for us to learn how to do something together. I need adventures in my life and I want someone to share that experience to someone. I also want that person to be you.
7. I was nervous. You brought some high stakes with the pool atmosphere, your workout regimen... I like you. I can't quiet all the self-doubt in my head so some of the things that would be good to say are left unsaid and the things I do say, you may take the wrong way. This is something I'd like to work on. Just like you, I've relied on my writing abilities to help me explain my feelings but I don't want it to be a too little, too late type thing.
8. I don't want you to think I'm only into you because of your past. Which is probably why I even offered to pay half of the bill. It wasn't me dismissing our date, it was me letting you know that I don't want to take advantage of you. And if I appear too independent for you, tell me! There's nothing I want more than to have someone to support who would also support me.
9. Thank you for letting me order my healthy food. I know I may have seem rigid sticking to my meal plan but honestly you and I ordered the same thing for both meals. I can't believe you share my affinity for Frosted Flakes!! I will say even though I didn't indulge in the dessert, you did get me to try something new - the berries. I've never eaten them before but you were so sweet to feed them to me, I couldn't resist. I see that as a metaphor for the future. That you could just show me a different side of life that I haven't tried because no one else has treaded that water first and thus my life lacks until you show how much more fulfilling it can be.
10. I hope I get to say this in person sometime. I'm giving you space now and I hope that when I return I will have some kind of message from you. I hope that you will come spend time with me in my new place of residence when you get back from out of the country and that I can come visit you in your winter residence.
Xs and Os,
Me
Sunday
The Pact
A few years ago, I made a pact with my friend that if we weren't married by the age 30 that we'd get married. He's since married one of my closest friends and I'll never forget that when he knew he was going to propose, he started off the convo with: I hate to break this to you but you'll have to find someone else for your pact.
And today as I sit 1 year and six months away from my 30th birthday I realize, I don't have anyone still for my pact. That phone call happened three years ago this month.
I keep thinking about the person I spent time with this weekend and while he may not be a good fit for the pact, he might be good for a plus 1 pact. Someone who I can call on when I need to go somewhere and don't want to go it alone.
I think about how much attending weddings alone has become a depressing. I know the true measure of friendship is that you can be happy for someone else in spite of your situation, but with the slew of weddings that are impending upon my life, I'd like to have a little fun as well with someone.
I've yet to go on a vacation recently and experience something and not think "I wish I had someone to share this moment with." It's not that I can't enjoy the moment but it's just like running in a race with a friend: it's a lot more fun to help each other get through the rough parts and cross together.
And that's what I envision my marriage to be. A partner who coaxes me through when I feel like quitting. Who may push me to go faster than I normally would on some things but then also willing to slow down when I need a break. But also the person who is the first to hug me in the big moments. Someone who can keep the weaknesses and flaws I exhibit under wraps but also admire how they make me who I am.
I of course want to do the same for this person. Make sure they know I can be there for them and that together we can achieve anything.
In the meantime maybe I'll just set up a dating service entitled "Plus One" that helps women and men have dates for special events only and these are consenting adults who will do someone else a favor in return for someone going to an event with them.
What's wrong with me?
I hate the question "why are you still single?" and this weekend I was asked it again.
For this occasion, I explained my circumstances. That I had a bf but we ended things and so I'm single.
And later as the conversation steered toward marriage expectations I agreed with my companion that I go back and forth on whether it's for me or not.
It's easy when you meet someone great to have that split-second thought that maybe it could lead to something more and when I'm going after the things I want to do in my life and I barely have time to think, I realize how lucky I am that I don't have to explain my absence to anyone.
But the reality of my life plans/desires really hit home today while attending a friend's baby shower. As I stomached the many "oohs, ahhs, and how cutes" about the baby gifts, I realized that I'm not like a lot of women who get their kicks from doing more traditional feminine things. But as I saw the joy on my friend's face when she talked about her pending arrival and how happy everyone else was in the room, I felt a pang of sadness that I don't have someone in my life that I can have kids with.
My biggest fear in life is that I'll give in to temptation one day for thinking that I won't ever find the right person to marry and then end up having a child out of wedlock. There. I've said it. And I think out of all the things I've done in my life that should have scared me, I can't believe that the thought of being alone in the world and having a child alone is the one things that completely freaks me out.
I look through my phone and I see lots of opportunities lost. There's the young guy who has a girlfriend but shamelessly flirts. The friend of a friend who we can't ever seem to be available at the same time. And there's a list of other professional, sweet guys who I know that aren't the one for me.
And because of that, I'm beginning to lose hope. Me- ever the optimist has faith that is dwindling down to less than a mustard seed. And now, every missed call, every text message is just a reminder that I am still waiting for the person who will assist in my feeling that I have everything I want in life and help push me to go after the things I haven't yet accomplished.
The trouble with friends
People always say its great to date your friends because you know them well so when things go bad you always have the friendship.
The trouble with that is when things get romantic sometimes the thought of things not going well will keep you from enjoying the moment and discovering what could be great.
At least that's what happened to me this weekend. I was in the presence of a really amazing guy and there were sparks but when we had to make the decision of what to do, we opted for the friendship.
Part of me says it may have been too early. That there were still things I need(ed) to learn-some of which he revealed- for a while before I make a proper decision. But there's that other part of me that wonders about what could have been. And wonders if I've broken my promise to myself about not settling or leaving opportunities on the table.
And that is perhaps the most troubling factor. Because I feel he's a good guy - an awesome guy in fact- with a lot of the qualities I admire. Not at all perfect, not exactly what I'd choose for myself if I had to name everything I wanted BUT someone who makes me smile, who I can talk to and spend time with for hours on end and who has the most amazing smile and dimples.
In the few months I've known him, I've seen his dedication, drive and loyalty to other friends. I also saw how sweet and charming he can be. As well a riotous. That's he's sensitive and has a romantic side. Adventurous and has very similar personality traits- shoot during both meals we ate together, we ordered the same thing! I don't think there's enough time to analyze someone's personality and whether you should go with it in the moment but if I had the moment again, man would I change some things.
I hope I get a second chance.
Was it something I didn't say?
I'm having a mental freakout. I've replayed this weekend's events over and over in my head. I've seen where I may have missed a few signals -some good, some warnings- and basically, where I may not have come off in the best light.
But it's too late to do anything.
I realized that I may have been guarded. That I didn't give away a lot of information about myself- probably for fear of divulging too much. And because of that, there's a lot that now remains to be known and I may have come off as distant.
For the first time in a long time I wish I could do something over. Sadly, I can't. I hope that maybe in the future I can redeem myself. I'm not sure if the door has been closed completely. I hope it hasn't.
Tuesday
The haunting of my own words
I'm beginning to think what people say about your words coming true is true. And the worse part is even if you change your mind about it, when it comes true that doesn't matter.
So now, I regret saying things like "I don't think I'll ever get married. I don't think I'm cut out to be married. I don't want children...." I think you get the drift.
There's no internal clock going off causing this drama. It's just the sense of loss when you've found something good and then you no longer have it. The thought of having to go without that thing can be downright depressing. Especially when you realized you didn't mind having it "for as long as you both shall live" if given that option.
Am I a wild thing? Am I ready to run? I don't think so, but thanks Dixie Chicks for those anthem so many years ago.
This journey may have many twists and turns and I have no idea what's up the road of how many of them there are but I will keep going with the hopes that when it gets dark someone else can put up the tent and I, though capable of assembly, can simply hold the flashlight.
En Vogue
R&B/Pop quartet En Vogue had a song called "love" during which they kept posing the question "Love, Love, what is it? What is it?"
I wonder if they ever found the answer.
I have been reading a lot of books about Christian love and how we should love each other. Ironically, one of those books is what spurred my current state of affairs (or lack there of I should say)...
After reading those books I know what I should do and how I should act in Christian love but I find that one of two things happen:
1) when I do encounter someone who needs the loving touch I still let my natural man take over and thus I probably bruise this person more than i should.
2) I find myself waiting for the one person I believe I should be giving this love to when really I miss the opportunity to dish it out to other souls who need it more.
Well, isn't that just sad. And yet, because I don't have anyone to call me on it (other than the man upstairs who knows my thoughts better than I) I just sit and read and pray that one day I'll get it together.
I feel that sometimes I'm doing the same thing that I learned years ago when working in sports: fake it until you make it.
Don't feel like being loving? Fake it. Give to people who you think need it. Give because you've heard that will help spur it. Give love and act like you don't care if you give it back. Although I know that's not entirely true. I mean its only because of love that a man died on a cross for me. There has to be a reason my life is tied to love. Has to be.
The Conversation
This week I finished author Hill Harper's book "The Conversation."
Aside from enjoying how intelligent Harper is, I thoroughly enjoyed his discourse on why we have trouble with Black relationships.
A lot of what he mentions in the book I had heard in some shape, form or fashion but seeing all the arguments together and how unrealistic some are when you think about the history of black relationships really made me think about changing my approach which I admit, I thought was already liberal.
But more than anything, it made me realize how much I cared about a certain individual and how I wish that one day he and I could look back at what we are going through now and see it as just one of the hurdles we worked together to get through.
In the mean time I did practice some of Hill's tips on how to give "a brother a chance" when dating just this weekend. The scenario: unassuming kid asks me out- he's new to town and caught me on a day where I didn't feel like letting anyone down. It reminded me of my best friend when he asked me to hang out- I told him we could only be friends, he said that was all he wanted and we've been friends since. So, since this guy reminded me of him, I figured I would be nice.
We settle to meet at a local ice cream shop, I choose this place for the day we were originally supposed to meet because I honestly didn't want a) for him to have to pay more than 1.08 to hang out and b) for me to have to go out of my way for this meetup.
He unwisely asks to move the date back to a time later that night which I decline and so we instead end up meeting on Sunday afternoon (during full price hours). Because we have more "time" that afternoon he originally suggests two different options for after the ice cream-I suggest we play it by ear.
I read Harper's book before driving over so I decided to give him a chance. Here's where it goes wrong:
1. I get there before him... I'm a punctual person. Just because I carry books in my purse in case my companion is late doesn't mean I really want to use it.
2. He goes through what I think is a list of pre-determined questions. At times he doesn't allow me to finish my sentence because he's asking the next question.
3. He doesn't talk about himself...only his thoughts. Which got really deep for a first conversation if you ask me and there were times I found myself tuning out.
4. He rushed the ice cream talking portion to get to the next event which allowed me to escape when there was no parking.
5. He revealed his age without asking mine. This let me know he is way younger than I'd ever consider dating and thus able to rule him out.
BUT since this sounds harsh here's what he did right:
1. He called to make plans
2. He had a plan when he called and didn't do the "I don't know what do you want to do..."
3. He showed up... the second time at least
4. He wasn't afraid to give his opinion.
5. He called after the date to follow up on hanging out again. And when he did it was an option that he thought I'd like because of the type of music I said I'd listen to.
I think he's a nice enough guy, but there's no fun when you look or talk to a person and in the back of your mind all you can think is "I will eat you alive." I don't get my kicks from being mean or disappointing people.
The easy way out of this would be to tell him I'm moving next week and get out of it, but Harper encourages us to have the difficult conversations so my "woman up" goal is to tell him. I'm sorry, I'm not interested. In no way in my head can I fathom starting something with someone nor do I even want to make the effort to do so. I'm happy with my couch, watching basketball alone.
In the words of Kel Mitchell "Ah, here it goes..."
In between
To be honest that's the state I'm in. Somewhere between wanting to stay and also being told (directly and indirectly) that it might be best to move on.
And yet, I sit. I sometimes think Humpty Dumpty had it easy. He got to where he wanted, fell and then his fate was decided by the kings horses and men (side note how can a horse put an egg back together and why was humpty so special that the king's horses and men were trying to put him together...). He was done. He was breakfast or maybe lunch and that was that. But on the upside, he did get a children's nursery rhyme to memorialize him...
And while a part of me longs to have my fate become official. There's the other part of me that recites 1 Corinthians 13 over and over in my brain and who believes that maybe my mustard seed of fate, mixed with opportunity and just a smidgen of courage for both parties can turn things around.
I don't know if it is completely naive to think that is possible but then that mustard seed has to take action at some point...right???
It's been a while
To say the least. And really, that's the least I can say these days.
Actually, that isn't true. When it comes to the part of my life I used to share openly on this blog I've become relatively mute. A clam. I don't give.
It's as if I'm playing poker with the rest of the world and I'm the only one who knows someone forgot to take out the jokers when they dealt the cards so I'm really in the game with a losing hand.
If that sounds pessimistic, I hate to disappoint you even further by saying that actually sounded poetic and optimistic to me.
See, at least by me bluffing, I'm trying to wait out the rest of the people at the table and see how long it takes before they fold. And maybe, just maybe I can be the last person standing even when dealt the crappiest hand at the table.
In fact, I feel that's what happened these last 21 months. I had a promising outlook and then it all went down the crapper. But, I'm still here, I made it through the times I didn't think it would even possible to keep forging ahead and best of all, I accomplished everything I originally set out to do.
Guess that Joker card isn't the only one with the sinister grin.
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