Yep, that was a reference for The Graduate. Last weekend was full of highs and lows given that my lowest part was being comforted by a friend as I cried because of the drama going on with The Graduate.
I'll try to spare everyone the details but I will say despite having a conversation just two hours earlier (if that long) about how much better he was doing and how he missed me as a friend, he threw that all away with a few drinks.
I finally confessed to our close friend who I had to get to help me what was going on with him and why we weren't together. He was shocked - I can still see the look on his face from when I shared all the dark truths and pain that I'd endured over the last year. He was so sweet and just comforting. I am so happy for his wife because I know sometimes we as women just need a man to listen and give us an uplifting word.
I'm sure if Pro had gone to the party he would have made me leave the situation and he would have never forgiven The Graduate for causing a scene. In my heart, I'm still so torn about the whole thing. It's amazing how when things seem so familiar and are easy to fall into, you can get a quick dose of reality that all isn't well and that it's best to keep your distance.
I didn't realize how much I'd compartmentalized all my feelings until that night and honestly, the tears have started to return. If I could have my friend back, I would be happy but I know that that honestly isn't possible. He's still sick and he can't be a friend or anything and I can't get sucked back in if it means taking care of him and not myself.
Friday
October, check. November, check, check.
Even though I said I wouldn't worry about the whole once a month dating, I somehow managed to achieve it. In fact, no sooner did I email my partner in crime to tell her I'd given up, then a good friend called to take me out when I was in Baltimore. Does it say something about me that I am only dating people who aren't living in the city I actually live in??
Any how. I managed to go on two dates last weekend while I was in town. i don't count my encounter with Pro on the plane e/t it did end with my confessing how I felt about him... but that was an earlier post.
Here's what I've realized. One of my suitors has morphed into a great guy. Our conversation on Friday was less about hanging out with famous people and doing extremely expensive things and more about what he's looking for in life. When we first reconnected, I'd told him that I was going through a soul-searching phase so he started our time together by asking me what I'd learned. What I learned that I don't think I ever knew was just how he started with nothing and that's why he can only think about business. He's an excellent business man and his success so far has given him the ability to live a lifestyle that is luxurious and still go after what he wants. I looked at some superficial things like that he has certainly put on pounds since we first met but then again so have I so i can't point fingers. All in all, I think he's looking for something substantive. Someone who likes him for him and not what he can do and that he feels is a quality mate. I like how he's always been willing to be there for me if I let him. I like that he can teach me things and that now he seems to respect my opinion and experiences. We bond over things that I haven't found a connection with with other men but I don't know how long those little things can be sustained.
And then there's Goliath. We met up Saturday night and we had a usual good time. He seemed genuinely excited to see me and really made himself available at a time that was convenient to me. He's said he is thinking of coming out to visit me here BUT he is thinking of doing so next year. The thing with him is that he is such a gentleman, I don't know that he has ever been "interested." It felt as if his hugs were more of the attracted than protective this time, they certainly lasted longer, but I can't be sure that I should read anything else into it.
Truth is, if I could have what I want. I want Pro. I feel there's a reason why all this other stuff didn't work. And this week I wondered if my times with them this weekend was a way to put the past behind me. Especially after my weekend in Baltimore. I went out with my favorite hometown cutie and yet, I was more so excited to see how much of a man he'd become. He's handsome and driven and has a good heart and that is what made him attractive. I thought about how Steve Harvey says you should ask a man his short-term and long-term plans and I didn't even have to ask him, since he volunteered the info. He said we should keep in touch but I haven't heard from him since last week. I've put him in the "give time, time" portion of my life. But more than anything, I'm so proud of the man he's become and still strives to be.
So, am I going to put all these dudes in the past? Or should I keep them around until December? I have a friend getting married in SD on Dec. 28. She's holding a plus one for me just in case Pro comes around. I can think of great scenario where he does come but I'm not going to put a damper on how that weekend can turn out -especially since I have an amazing hotel booked for that night!!
Any how. I managed to go on two dates last weekend while I was in town. i don't count my encounter with Pro on the plane e/t it did end with my confessing how I felt about him... but that was an earlier post.
Here's what I've realized. One of my suitors has morphed into a great guy. Our conversation on Friday was less about hanging out with famous people and doing extremely expensive things and more about what he's looking for in life. When we first reconnected, I'd told him that I was going through a soul-searching phase so he started our time together by asking me what I'd learned. What I learned that I don't think I ever knew was just how he started with nothing and that's why he can only think about business. He's an excellent business man and his success so far has given him the ability to live a lifestyle that is luxurious and still go after what he wants. I looked at some superficial things like that he has certainly put on pounds since we first met but then again so have I so i can't point fingers. All in all, I think he's looking for something substantive. Someone who likes him for him and not what he can do and that he feels is a quality mate. I like how he's always been willing to be there for me if I let him. I like that he can teach me things and that now he seems to respect my opinion and experiences. We bond over things that I haven't found a connection with with other men but I don't know how long those little things can be sustained.
And then there's Goliath. We met up Saturday night and we had a usual good time. He seemed genuinely excited to see me and really made himself available at a time that was convenient to me. He's said he is thinking of coming out to visit me here BUT he is thinking of doing so next year. The thing with him is that he is such a gentleman, I don't know that he has ever been "interested." It felt as if his hugs were more of the attracted than protective this time, they certainly lasted longer, but I can't be sure that I should read anything else into it.
Truth is, if I could have what I want. I want Pro. I feel there's a reason why all this other stuff didn't work. And this week I wondered if my times with them this weekend was a way to put the past behind me. Especially after my weekend in Baltimore. I went out with my favorite hometown cutie and yet, I was more so excited to see how much of a man he'd become. He's handsome and driven and has a good heart and that is what made him attractive. I thought about how Steve Harvey says you should ask a man his short-term and long-term plans and I didn't even have to ask him, since he volunteered the info. He said we should keep in touch but I haven't heard from him since last week. I've put him in the "give time, time" portion of my life. But more than anything, I'm so proud of the man he's become and still strives to be.
So, am I going to put all these dudes in the past? Or should I keep them around until December? I have a friend getting married in SD on Dec. 28. She's holding a plus one for me just in case Pro comes around. I can think of great scenario where he does come but I'm not going to put a damper on how that weekend can turn out -especially since I have an amazing hotel booked for that night!!
You never know a good thing...
until you have it actually. It doesn't have to be gone. Sometimes you can enjoy the moment. That's how I feel about Pro. When he came to visit in September, I LOVED how it felt to come home and have him waiting there and have him all to myself. And to just have someone who gets me and that I can be myself with and him me and that we didn't want to rush anything.
How much did I enjoy it? Well, I snapped this picture of our shoes next to each other at the front door. I was like, I could get used to seeing another pair of shoes around this place.
And even though he had to leave, he did leave me with these:
and I tried to keep them alive as long as possible. But even though the flowers died and his shoes are gone. Truth is Pro is still with me in my heart. I just wish I had him more often in the physical. I had the chance to see him last week and I built up all my confidence and told him (in a letter) how I felt. I'm still waiting to hear how he feels. I want and hope for the best. So far he's said nothing but how attracted he is to me but that does not a relationship make. C'mon Pro. I'm rooting for you in so many ways...
How much did I enjoy it? Well, I snapped this picture of our shoes next to each other at the front door. I was like, I could get used to seeing another pair of shoes around this place.
And even though he had to leave, he did leave me with these:
Thursday
Roster
Surprisingly, I feel as though I have a roster of options to keep my dating attention span occupied. I am happy to say that I do have one friend whom I wouldn't dare venture to put into any kind of spot, and I enjoy that because he is able to look out for me and we can have fun without any premeditated behavior between us.
It seems I've still left a few people behind in Houston. One of which is so full of it I can't even begin to give him more than an eye roll when I get texts from him. But there are others who are sweet, caring and seem geniune, but don't make the effort to pursue more.
And then there's pro. Who infuriates me at times and makes me question what kind of person he is at the end of the day. At times I find myself saying "c'mon don't be THAT guy" which is how I know that things wouldn't always be rosy. But given what I've learned about him in so little time and the amount of time we've spent together, I do hope I'll get to see him next month. I'm actually dreading the event I have to attend if I don't get to see him because that means I have to face my ex alone...
But I don't think that's a good enough reason to want to see someone plus I don't know that I want to put him in an awkward position. I just know if it came down to it however, he would protect me and I'd come off as the person who moved on and did better.
I guess that's the thing about exes- no matter how much you may want them to do well, you don't want them to move on before you do. I flaunted The Graduate in front of Piracy last year and now look where I am... I'm not going to our reunion this weekend so even if he does have a gf to flaunt, I don't have the pleasure of seeing it. I'll try not to fret over this for the next two weeks. After all, I've found usually everything I think about lately never really comes to fruition.
And in the meantime, I'll keep everyone on the bench and take myself to the comedy show tomorrow. Self-date night!!
It seems I've still left a few people behind in Houston. One of which is so full of it I can't even begin to give him more than an eye roll when I get texts from him. But there are others who are sweet, caring and seem geniune, but don't make the effort to pursue more.
And then there's pro. Who infuriates me at times and makes me question what kind of person he is at the end of the day. At times I find myself saying "c'mon don't be THAT guy" which is how I know that things wouldn't always be rosy. But given what I've learned about him in so little time and the amount of time we've spent together, I do hope I'll get to see him next month. I'm actually dreading the event I have to attend if I don't get to see him because that means I have to face my ex alone...
But I don't think that's a good enough reason to want to see someone plus I don't know that I want to put him in an awkward position. I just know if it came down to it however, he would protect me and I'd come off as the person who moved on and did better.
I guess that's the thing about exes- no matter how much you may want them to do well, you don't want them to move on before you do. I flaunted The Graduate in front of Piracy last year and now look where I am... I'm not going to our reunion this weekend so even if he does have a gf to flaunt, I don't have the pleasure of seeing it. I'll try not to fret over this for the next two weeks. After all, I've found usually everything I think about lately never really comes to fruition.
And in the meantime, I'll keep everyone on the bench and take myself to the comedy show tomorrow. Self-date night!!
Wedding Planner in Reverse
One of my favorite lines from the movie The Wedding Planner was when JLo says she's a magnet for emotionally unavailable men. For a while, I used to feel that way, and honestly I still do, but the other night I had a light bulb moment as I reflected on something a wise man once told me (and that I've written about before): "You attract what you are attractive to."
And thus, since I feel like I'm emotionally unavailable, I think that's why I've recently found people in my path who are also emotionally unavailable. I can think of a few reasons why I'm emotionally unavailable. The primary being that I am only in LA for a year, that I have been attracted to only one person who has a very similar situation to the graduate, and that I really just value my private time and want to work internationally before settling down.
I think those are good reasons to stay away from people who could derail my plans and thus if any one tries to get too close, I start to create as much distance as possible.
I wonder will it ever change. Perhaps I'm hard wired to long for companionship only because I'm not strong enough to put in the effort needed to sustain a relationship. Part of me knows that's not true because of what I went through last year, but the other part knows that relationship is the main source of my hesitancy.
And thus, since I feel like I'm emotionally unavailable, I think that's why I've recently found people in my path who are also emotionally unavailable. I can think of a few reasons why I'm emotionally unavailable. The primary being that I am only in LA for a year, that I have been attracted to only one person who has a very similar situation to the graduate, and that I really just value my private time and want to work internationally before settling down.
I think those are good reasons to stay away from people who could derail my plans and thus if any one tries to get too close, I start to create as much distance as possible.
I wonder will it ever change. Perhaps I'm hard wired to long for companionship only because I'm not strong enough to put in the effort needed to sustain a relationship. Part of me knows that's not true because of what I went through last year, but the other part knows that relationship is the main source of my hesitancy.
Insecurities, check
Have you ever been out with a guy and you had no clue why they were interested in you? And as a result that makes all your insecurities kick in. And sometimes even if you aren't completely interested, you find yourself waiting it out just to see what will happen because they show so much interest?
Well, that's how I feel about a certain guy from my past. I realized that when we last connected I was so internally screwed up from the graduate that I didn't appreciate all he was willing to do for me. And so I let time pass by without a returned phone call and so did he. But, upon realizing this I decided a few weeks ago to send him an e-mail to apologize for taking him for granted.
Little did I know that he'd respond so favorably. I was shocked that he exchanged pleasantries and seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being. So imagine how after a few weeks of exchanged e-mails today he decided to take a chance and give me a call.
All I can think about his how my male friend who once saw the two of us together (when I was with the graduate) immediately picked up on how into me he was. It was something I didn't realize until he said something.
I have no idea what could come of our renewed communication given that he is in Houston now and I'm in LA, but, I do find myself hoping that since he knows I'll be home in two weeks, I will get an invite to hang out or go for another chopstick lesson.
Well, that's how I feel about a certain guy from my past. I realized that when we last connected I was so internally screwed up from the graduate that I didn't appreciate all he was willing to do for me. And so I let time pass by without a returned phone call and so did he. But, upon realizing this I decided a few weeks ago to send him an e-mail to apologize for taking him for granted.
Little did I know that he'd respond so favorably. I was shocked that he exchanged pleasantries and seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being. So imagine how after a few weeks of exchanged e-mails today he decided to take a chance and give me a call.
All I can think about his how my male friend who once saw the two of us together (when I was with the graduate) immediately picked up on how into me he was. It was something I didn't realize until he said something.
I have no idea what could come of our renewed communication given that he is in Houston now and I'm in LA, but, I do find myself hoping that since he knows I'll be home in two weeks, I will get an invite to hang out or go for another chopstick lesson.
Sunday
Moving to more
Pro and I are starting to move to that risky and slim space where we are more than friends but not yet the g and b words... It's exciting but more noticeably for me, exhausting.The reason being is that to get to this point, we both have to sacrifice time to talk. He does so in the afternoon/night when he could be hanging out at dinner with his friends on the trip and I do so when i should be asleep and getting rest for work.
But it's fun to sit and talk to him on face time and see his adorable smile. No matter what he says when he smiles I sadly melt and forgive all. I'm enjoying the time we have together. I'm doing things I've never done before. Some of them are comfortable, some not but at the same time, I'm requiring him to get out of his comfort zone as well.
Part of it stems from the Fifty Shades books which he told me if I read them, he'd tell me more about him. I'm not sure that I've gotten to his core but little by little I'm learning more about what makes him, him. And I'm comforted by the way he approaches his finances- making sure to pay his bills before leaving but also being frugal about his lifestyle when he's away. I can relate to that and it makes me feel better about my discomfort over the lifestyle that Miami-bred guy I used to date wanted to live.
I want to see what else develops without my nagging or putting pressure to make us be something we're not. He asks me quite often what the next step is for me and I don't have a good answer for him. I want to know the reason behind his questioning but I don't ask. Maybe if he asks again, I will. My goal is to be less pre-meditated with him and go with the flow as much as possible. I like how he gets me to try to new things and I shared it with him. My one hope moving forward is that he tells me more about how he feels about me. I suspect there's something to his silence on the subject that comes from his past, but I will wait patiently to find out.
But it's fun to sit and talk to him on face time and see his adorable smile. No matter what he says when he smiles I sadly melt and forgive all. I'm enjoying the time we have together. I'm doing things I've never done before. Some of them are comfortable, some not but at the same time, I'm requiring him to get out of his comfort zone as well.
Part of it stems from the Fifty Shades books which he told me if I read them, he'd tell me more about him. I'm not sure that I've gotten to his core but little by little I'm learning more about what makes him, him. And I'm comforted by the way he approaches his finances- making sure to pay his bills before leaving but also being frugal about his lifestyle when he's away. I can relate to that and it makes me feel better about my discomfort over the lifestyle that Miami-bred guy I used to date wanted to live.
I want to see what else develops without my nagging or putting pressure to make us be something we're not. He asks me quite often what the next step is for me and I don't have a good answer for him. I want to know the reason behind his questioning but I don't ask. Maybe if he asks again, I will. My goal is to be less pre-meditated with him and go with the flow as much as possible. I like how he gets me to try to new things and I shared it with him. My one hope moving forward is that he tells me more about how he feels about me. I suspect there's something to his silence on the subject that comes from his past, but I will wait patiently to find out.
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