The other day the graduate was having a bad day and I had to leave him a message. Before hanging up I said "Ok, love you bye."
And then what I said hit me. My realization was immediately followed by panic. While I'd like to blame it on the fact that I was distracted by his situation as well as the fact that I was leaving church and thinking about my sister all at the same time, I know some psychologist would call it a freudian slip. Meaning, that what I really feel is what I said.
While I do know that I have love for him, I'm not 100% sure that I love him and I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to say it first.
Granted, I'm technically not because one night he called me after he'd been drinking with his buddies and he revealed that he loved me. However, because he has yet to repeat this while sober, I don't think it counts even though I know alcohol acts as a truth serum for him.
On the day of my slip of the tongue, I immediately sent him a text stating what I said in my voice mail and when he responded, I told him that he could erase the voicemail.
It's been a week and he hasn't said anything nor has he acted differently so I'm hoping he was a good boy and followed my directions.
When the time is right, if the time is ever right, we will both hear those words again when we're both ready for the other one to hear them.
Tuesday
Attraction
Attraction means everything in a relationship. I don't know how people don't believe that but I know for sure it's important to me.
I found that attraction is in full bloom these days. Between me and you-know-who that is.
When I see him, my heart actually does a little leap and I start grinning like crazy. If I don't grin, he knows something's bothering me and he does what he can to get the smile back on my face.
And it's the same way for him.
The other day we were among friends and I stepped away to talk to someone else. I looked over at him at the same moment I caught him giving me the once over and when our eyes met, we held an intense gaze for a few seconds without anyone else noticing (or even mattering at that point).
And that's not the only time that's happened. His eyes give everything away: tired, sleepy, anxious, and of course, intrigued.
Staring is common in our relationship. It was a stare that made us realize the possibility of us getting together was no longer a game of will. As he puts it "man, I'm afraid for the next time I see that look..."
The morning I took him to the airport, I could almost feel what he felt about me through the look on his face when he approached me to say good morning. And I hope when he sees me smile, or furrow my brown when he tells me about what's bothering him, he knows that I'm most attracted to him and no one else.
I found that attraction is in full bloom these days. Between me and you-know-who that is.
When I see him, my heart actually does a little leap and I start grinning like crazy. If I don't grin, he knows something's bothering me and he does what he can to get the smile back on my face.
And it's the same way for him.
The other day we were among friends and I stepped away to talk to someone else. I looked over at him at the same moment I caught him giving me the once over and when our eyes met, we held an intense gaze for a few seconds without anyone else noticing (or even mattering at that point).
And that's not the only time that's happened. His eyes give everything away: tired, sleepy, anxious, and of course, intrigued.
Staring is common in our relationship. It was a stare that made us realize the possibility of us getting together was no longer a game of will. As he puts it "man, I'm afraid for the next time I see that look..."
The morning I took him to the airport, I could almost feel what he felt about me through the look on his face when he approached me to say good morning. And I hope when he sees me smile, or furrow my brown when he tells me about what's bothering him, he knows that I'm most attracted to him and no one else.
Guidance
One of the most influential things that I heard during the sermon I attended with the graduate was the minister's take on what makes a good relationship.
Along with several scriptures to support him, he told us that one of the most important things you must do is compliment your mate. He said that people who spend time away from home usually decided to go to places where they feel appreciated and get compliments.
I don't what sweetie going anywhere and I make it a point to tell him how great I think he is or when he looks especially handsome (which is often).
I get a kick out of this not only because I like having someone that I look at and thinking "yep, that's my boyfriend!!" but also because he also blushes whenever he gets too embarrassed.
It's one of the best pleasures of my day to make him blush and his cheeks crinkle as he tries to suppress his emotions.
This exchange is something we've come to expect. Although I can't blush, he does make me come close with the compliments he pays me. I especially like the days where he's speechless, but I catch him looking at me and shaking his head. Whenever I ask him what's up, he just says, "nothing, you're just, (more head shaking), you, you're awesome."
Be still my heart.
Along with several scriptures to support him, he told us that one of the most important things you must do is compliment your mate. He said that people who spend time away from home usually decided to go to places where they feel appreciated and get compliments.
I don't what sweetie going anywhere and I make it a point to tell him how great I think he is or when he looks especially handsome (which is often).
I get a kick out of this not only because I like having someone that I look at and thinking "yep, that's my boyfriend!!" but also because he also blushes whenever he gets too embarrassed.
It's one of the best pleasures of my day to make him blush and his cheeks crinkle as he tries to suppress his emotions.
This exchange is something we've come to expect. Although I can't blush, he does make me come close with the compliments he pays me. I especially like the days where he's speechless, but I catch him looking at me and shaking his head. Whenever I ask him what's up, he just says, "nothing, you're just, (more head shaking), you, you're awesome."
Be still my heart.
Signs
I don't believe in "signs" but I do believe that I can get divine guidance in multiple forms. It's not a surprise that I've gotten a lot of it recently since I've started dating the graduate.
As we started to move out of our "honeymoon" period, I began to have doubts about the validity of the relationship. Did I rush in? Is it going to work? Are we too compatible? I was becoming the enemy of our relationship.
But a great thing happened one Sunday morning. While driving to church the minister on the radio was talking about relationships. Throughout the sermon he gave sound advice on how to deal with men in relationships. I was grateful. I learned even more for the next few weeks that he continued on the relationship topic.
As it turns out at the same time I was being fed sound advice, so was my guy. I was fortunate to hear the last sermon his pastor preached on the subject when I visited that Sunday (more to come on that).
What his minister shared made a lot of sense, and I've tried to implement a lot of what he told us into our relationship.
Because I pray for the graduate every day and that God guides the two of us to the right place for each of us, I know everything will be okay.
This last Sunday, I woke up earlier than expected and I decided to turn on the radio minister. When my mind started to drift from the topic at hand on a concern I had about the two of us, my ears perked up as the minister addressed that very same topic. To say I was shocked is an understatement. Shocked, but grateful.
I know whatever issue I have, I must pray and have a willing heart and an open ear to hear the answer.
As we started to move out of our "honeymoon" period, I began to have doubts about the validity of the relationship. Did I rush in? Is it going to work? Are we too compatible? I was becoming the enemy of our relationship.
But a great thing happened one Sunday morning. While driving to church the minister on the radio was talking about relationships. Throughout the sermon he gave sound advice on how to deal with men in relationships. I was grateful. I learned even more for the next few weeks that he continued on the relationship topic.
As it turns out at the same time I was being fed sound advice, so was my guy. I was fortunate to hear the last sermon his pastor preached on the subject when I visited that Sunday (more to come on that).
What his minister shared made a lot of sense, and I've tried to implement a lot of what he told us into our relationship.
Because I pray for the graduate every day and that God guides the two of us to the right place for each of us, I know everything will be okay.
This last Sunday, I woke up earlier than expected and I decided to turn on the radio minister. When my mind started to drift from the topic at hand on a concern I had about the two of us, my ears perked up as the minister addressed that very same topic. To say I was shocked is an understatement. Shocked, but grateful.
I know whatever issue I have, I must pray and have a willing heart and an open ear to hear the answer.
Passing the tests
I'll admit it, I'm putting the graduate through some tests and he's surprisingly passing. I think it's sad that it's a surprise to me that he follows through on his promises or does things that I thought were simple for other guys to accomplish but never did.
For instance there's the church thing. We both go to church and I know I can only be with someone that I can go to church with. Surely, if marriage were ever involved there would be a huge discussion over where we'd end up, but I have to first see where the person I'm considering attends church and if I agree with the principles being taught.
Well, as life would have it one Saturday I was missing him really badly because we played telephone tag all week and I went out on a limb and asked him if I could join him at church tomorrow. He said yes, and asked which service I preferred. Of course, seeing is believing so I waited until the next morning to see if things would still come to pass.
I inevitably got lost on my way to the church and had to call for help and he didn't answer. I'm not going to lie-my brain started working up all kinds of thoughts that I tried to block. BUT within the next few minutes he called back, gave me detailed directions and was standing there in the parking lot when I got there.
He continued to tell me repeatedly how happy he was that I came and I was happy to be there.
To borrow from Hope Floats, "My cup runneth over."
In addition to the church test, he's passed multiple other tests including being chivalrous, passing messages along to other people for me, calling to check on me when I'm sick, offering to bring me things when I'm sick, taking time out of our busy schedule because he knows I'm fed up with not seeing him, and actually saying "XO" to me whenever we can't engage in those acts.
One of my favorite moments was a night when he remarked he couldn't wait to see me again. I challenged him by asking what was stopping him from seeing me that night. He said nothing and within an hour we were together enjoying each other's company. It was probably one of the best times I've had with him thus far.
There's one other test that he's passed that means the most to me but I can't tell you all the details of he and I, so that will remain between us. But let's just say this is the one thing that keeps him above the rest.
For instance there's the church thing. We both go to church and I know I can only be with someone that I can go to church with. Surely, if marriage were ever involved there would be a huge discussion over where we'd end up, but I have to first see where the person I'm considering attends church and if I agree with the principles being taught.
Well, as life would have it one Saturday I was missing him really badly because we played telephone tag all week and I went out on a limb and asked him if I could join him at church tomorrow. He said yes, and asked which service I preferred. Of course, seeing is believing so I waited until the next morning to see if things would still come to pass.
I inevitably got lost on my way to the church and had to call for help and he didn't answer. I'm not going to lie-my brain started working up all kinds of thoughts that I tried to block. BUT within the next few minutes he called back, gave me detailed directions and was standing there in the parking lot when I got there.
He continued to tell me repeatedly how happy he was that I came and I was happy to be there.
To borrow from Hope Floats, "My cup runneth over."
In addition to the church test, he's passed multiple other tests including being chivalrous, passing messages along to other people for me, calling to check on me when I'm sick, offering to bring me things when I'm sick, taking time out of our busy schedule because he knows I'm fed up with not seeing him, and actually saying "XO" to me whenever we can't engage in those acts.
One of my favorite moments was a night when he remarked he couldn't wait to see me again. I challenged him by asking what was stopping him from seeing me that night. He said nothing and within an hour we were together enjoying each other's company. It was probably one of the best times I've had with him thus far.
There's one other test that he's passed that means the most to me but I can't tell you all the details of he and I, so that will remain between us. But let's just say this is the one thing that keeps him above the rest.
Informing the rents
I can honestly say I nearly fell out of my chair the day the graduate informed me that he "told my mom how I felt about you." Really, that's exactly what he wrote in his text after spending a weekend away.*
I of course had to ask if she approved of his feelings and he told me yes.
I think what surprised me most was he told his mom how he felt before I'd even told my parents we were dating. Given my history I waited a few weeks before telling them what they'd already suspected and they too seemed okay with the choice.
It's always weird when you get family involved and given the already complex nature of our relationship, I think I wanted to avoid bringing others into until I was really for sure it was the way I wanted to go. But I am happy with my choice and I do all I can to block out anything that would cause me to rethink the relationship.
*Editor's note: As to what went down on that trip I'm still not exactly sure because he's not the same man I dropped off at the airport at 5 am. Yes, I am/was that into him that I drug myself out of bed on a Saturday morning to drive him. Get over it.
I of course had to ask if she approved of his feelings and he told me yes.
I think what surprised me most was he told his mom how he felt before I'd even told my parents we were dating. Given my history I waited a few weeks before telling them what they'd already suspected and they too seemed okay with the choice.
It's always weird when you get family involved and given the already complex nature of our relationship, I think I wanted to avoid bringing others into until I was really for sure it was the way I wanted to go. But I am happy with my choice and I do all I can to block out anything that would cause me to rethink the relationship.
*Editor's note: As to what went down on that trip I'm still not exactly sure because he's not the same man I dropped off at the airport at 5 am. Yes, I am/was that into him that I drug myself out of bed on a Saturday morning to drive him. Get over it.
Time for a name
In the grand tradition of this blog, it's about time that my guy gets his very own name. Sweets, sweetie, sweetheart will no longer work. From now on I will now refer to him as (drumroll please):
THE GRADUATE!
Stay tuned.
THE GRADUATE!
Stay tuned.
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