Back in the game

During the plane ride of my vacation it occurred to me that I'm officially back in the game. And by the game, I mean the One Date a Month Challenge.

 I realized that unknowingly I put on a brave face (one was better than the other) in May and June to meet two different guys. And so in the spirit of the challenge, I even allowed myself to take it one step further and go on an international date while I was in T&T (more to come on that later and other encounters in future posts).

 It's weird to be officially participating in the dating structure again, but I think I'm actually at peace with it because I have met some great guys (among the not so great).

 At any rate it's good blogging material so I hope you enjoy the next few posts to come.

To You...

A letter to you. You know who you are. Dear You, I didn't get a chance to say everything I wanted to say this weekend and since I'm getting on a plane, I have a habit of needing to express myself in case I never get the moment to do so ever again.

 1. I like you. You're the first guy I've been able to stomach since my boyfriend. And by stomach I mean, I actually look forward to talking to you. I can endure texting you and I look forward to every time I get to see you in person. I also don't try to figure you out too soon. I like it when you share things about your life that I could google but I'd rather get to know you personally.

 2. Kids don't scare me. Thanks for sharing what you did. I've been there before and I understand the patience required to navigate this situation so I wouldn't attempt to rush or barge my way into anything.

 3. My favorite movie is You've Got Mail. So I'm as big of a softee as you. But I have to admit that U.S. Marshalls is also in my top two so I am slightly hard core.

 4. I would love to sit and watch movies with you all day. I could see us passing time in that way with all the movies you and I both feel the other should see. Don't be surprised if other movies are in our future.

 5. Maybe we were moving too fast at a point and that we needed to slow down. And maybe once we did, we went too slow that we actually lost some ground. Whatever it is, I hope to continue forward which leads me to:

 6. I want us to do the adventures we mentioned. I would love for you to teach me something new and then for us to learn how to do something together. I need adventures in my life and I want someone to share that experience to someone. I also want that person to be you.

 7. I was nervous. You brought some high stakes with the pool atmosphere, your workout regimen... I like you. I can't quiet all the self-doubt in my head so some of the things that would be good to say are left unsaid and the things I do say, you may take the wrong way. This is something I'd like to work on. Just like you, I've relied on my writing abilities to help me explain my feelings but I don't want it to be a too little, too late type thing.

 8. I don't want you to think I'm only into you because of your past. Which is probably why I even offered to pay half of the bill. It wasn't me dismissing our date, it was me letting you know that I don't want to take advantage of you. And if I appear too independent for you, tell me! There's nothing I want more than to have someone to support who would also support me.

 9. Thank you for letting me order my healthy food. I know I may have seem rigid sticking to my meal plan but honestly you and I ordered the same thing for both meals. I can't believe you share my affinity for Frosted Flakes!! I will say even though I didn't indulge in the dessert, you did get me to try something new - the berries. I've never eaten them before but you were so sweet to feed them to me, I couldn't resist. I see that as a metaphor for the future. That you could just show me a different side of life that I haven't tried because no one else has treaded that water first and thus my life lacks until you show how much more fulfilling it can be.

 10. I hope I get to say this in person sometime. I'm giving you space now and I hope that when I return I will have some kind of message from you. I hope that you will come spend time with me in my new place of residence when you get back from out of the country and that I can come visit you in your winter residence. 

Xs and Os,
Me

The Pact

A few years ago, I made a pact with my friend that if we weren't married by the age 30 that we'd get married. He's since married one of my closest friends and I'll never forget that when he knew he was going to propose, he started off the convo with: I hate to break this to you but you'll have to find someone else for your pact. And today as I sit 1 year and six months away from my 30th birthday I realize, I don't have anyone still for my pact. That phone call happened three years ago this month. I keep thinking about the person I spent time with this weekend and while he may not be a good fit for the pact, he might be good for a plus 1 pact. Someone who I can call on when I need to go somewhere and don't want to go it alone. I think about how much attending weddings alone has become a depressing. I know the true measure of friendship is that you can be happy for someone else in spite of your situation, but with the slew of weddings that are impending upon my life, I'd like to have a little fun as well with someone. I've yet to go on a vacation recently and experience something and not think "I wish I had someone to share this moment with." It's not that I can't enjoy the moment but it's just like running in a race with a friend: it's a lot more fun to help each other get through the rough parts and cross together. And that's what I envision my marriage to be. A partner who coaxes me through when I feel like quitting. Who may push me to go faster than I normally would on some things but then also willing to slow down when I need a break. But also the person who is the first to hug me in the big moments. Someone who can keep the weaknesses and flaws I exhibit under wraps but also admire how they make me who I am. I of course want to do the same for this person. Make sure they know I can be there for them and that together we can achieve anything. In the meantime maybe I'll just set up a dating service entitled "Plus One" that helps women and men have dates for special events only and these are consenting adults who will do someone else a favor in return for someone going to an event with them.

What's wrong with me?

I hate the question "why are you still single?" and this weekend I was asked it again. For this occasion, I explained my circumstances. That I had a bf but we ended things and so I'm single. And later as the conversation steered toward marriage expectations I agreed with my companion that I go back and forth on whether it's for me or not. It's easy when you meet someone great to have that split-second thought that maybe it could lead to something more and when I'm going after the things I want to do in my life and I barely have time to think, I realize how lucky I am that I don't have to explain my absence to anyone. But the reality of my life plans/desires really hit home today while attending a friend's baby shower. As I stomached the many "oohs, ahhs, and how cutes" about the baby gifts, I realized that I'm not like a lot of women who get their kicks from doing more traditional feminine things. But as I saw the joy on my friend's face when she talked about her pending arrival and how happy everyone else was in the room, I felt a pang of sadness that I don't have someone in my life that I can have kids with. My biggest fear in life is that I'll give in to temptation one day for thinking that I won't ever find the right person to marry and then end up having a child out of wedlock. There. I've said it. And I think out of all the things I've done in my life that should have scared me, I can't believe that the thought of being alone in the world and having a child alone is the one things that completely freaks me out. I look through my phone and I see lots of opportunities lost. There's the young guy who has a girlfriend but shamelessly flirts. The friend of a friend who we can't ever seem to be available at the same time. And there's a list of other professional, sweet guys who I know that aren't the one for me. And because of that, I'm beginning to lose hope. Me- ever the optimist has faith that is dwindling down to less than a mustard seed. And now, every missed call, every text message is just a reminder that I am still waiting for the person who will assist in my feeling that I have everything I want in life and help push me to go after the things I haven't yet accomplished.

The trouble with friends

People always say its great to date your friends because you know them well so when things go bad you always have the friendship. The trouble with that is when things get romantic sometimes the thought of things not going well will keep you from enjoying the moment and discovering what could be great. At least that's what happened to me this weekend. I was in the presence of a really amazing guy and there were sparks but when we had to make the decision of what to do, we opted for the friendship. Part of me says it may have been too early. That there were still things I need(ed) to learn-some of which he revealed- for a while before I make a proper decision. But there's that other part of me that wonders about what could have been. And wonders if I've broken my promise to myself about not settling or leaving opportunities on the table. And that is perhaps the most troubling factor. Because I feel he's a good guy - an awesome guy in fact- with a lot of the qualities I admire. Not at all perfect, not exactly what I'd choose for myself if I had to name everything I wanted BUT someone who makes me smile, who I can talk to and spend time with for hours on end and who has the most amazing smile and dimples. In the few months I've known him, I've seen his dedication, drive and loyalty to other friends. I also saw how sweet and charming he can be. As well a riotous. That's he's sensitive and has a romantic side. Adventurous and has very similar personality traits- shoot during both meals we ate together, we ordered the same thing! I don't think there's enough time to analyze someone's personality and whether you should go with it in the moment but if I had the moment again, man would I change some things. I hope I get a second chance.

Was it something I didn't say?

I'm having a mental freakout. I've replayed this weekend's events over and over in my head. I've seen where I may have missed a few signals -some good, some warnings- and basically, where I may not have come off in the best light. But it's too late to do anything. I realized that I may have been guarded. That I didn't give away a lot of information about myself- probably for fear of divulging too much. And because of that, there's a lot that now remains to be known and I may have come off as distant. For the first time in a long time I wish I could do something over. Sadly, I can't. I hope that maybe in the future I can redeem myself. I'm not sure if the door has been closed completely. I hope it hasn't.

The haunting of my own words

I'm beginning to think what people say about your words coming true is true. And the worse part is even if you change your mind about it, when it comes true that doesn't matter. So now, I regret saying things like "I don't think I'll ever get married. I don't think I'm cut out to be married. I don't want children...." I think you get the drift. There's no internal clock going off causing this drama. It's just the sense of loss when you've found something good and then you no longer have it. The thought of having to go without that thing can be downright depressing. Especially when you realized you didn't mind having it "for as long as you both shall live" if given that option. Am I a wild thing? Am I ready to run? I don't think so, but thanks Dixie Chicks for those anthem so many years ago. This journey may have many twists and turns and I have no idea what's up the road of how many of them there are but I will keep going with the hopes that when it gets dark someone else can put up the tent and I, though capable of assembly, can simply hold the flashlight.