That's the advice my godmother has given me about my interactions with "Pro." I explained the situation and she was leery as always but more so because he's the combination of all the things that haven't worked out for me in the past.
Her advice was to do exactly what I've been doing: if he doesn't call for two weeks but then suddenly does, treat him the same way. Essentially don't sweat him and if I am sweating him, don't let him see that I am.
Easier said than done.
Especially since I have that adage of "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting to get different results." Like maybe my way of holding in my feelings until a guy shares his is what gets me in trouble. But then in the end, I always feel like I still gave in too soon and should have made him work for my affection, so maybe that's the part I need to change.
To say I'm torn is an understatement. So all I can do is pray for an answer on how to get him to put me on the short list of people he'll communicate with during his six-week stay in New Zealand.
He's said he's only going to e-mail and Skype people and I believe if I were on that list, things could turn around for us.
To quote my fave crooner John Legend "Heaven Only Knows."
Sunday
Great date ideas
Here's some more dating tips I think other guys could learn from Islander. Sure, they may be oldie, but goodies, but here are some good places for guys to take women on dates.
1. Airplane watching - this is a little more difficult to do in the U.S. with all the added security measures, but I must admit sitting, watching airplanes land is more appealing than I thought. Sure, I had Gary Allan's song playing in the back of my head but it made for a good soundtrack as we watched the planes clear the ocean and then make it to the tarmac.
2. Historic site- this only works if you know enough about the story of the site you visit. You don't want to go overboard on the details to make it boring or like a class, but you want to know enough to field a few questions from your date. In this case Islander took me to a fort and told me the story of the fort. It wasn't like I was paying total attention (I know that's a running theme with me) because I was mostly waiting on him to make his move, but I did hear him talk enough with confidence to feel satisfied.
3. Walk on the beach - Everyone doesn't have this option, but if you do, do it. It's not overdone. Nor do I think it could be. You don't have to do it at sunset either. Just the simple suggestion evokes a positive reaction in women. Go for it!
4. Star gazing - I'd never paid enough attention to the sky to know what constituted the big dipper or the little dipper, but when Islander pointed them out, I was suddenly interested. I didn't go out and buy a telescope when I returned home, but I did find myself thinking how cool it was to sit and watch the big, beautiful sky and talk about my past and future with a good looking guy.
I'm pretty practical and one of the least romantic women I know based on my current refusal to watch most rom/coms and chick flicks so if these dates worked on me, they will more than likely work on most any woman.
1. Airplane watching - this is a little more difficult to do in the U.S. with all the added security measures, but I must admit sitting, watching airplanes land is more appealing than I thought. Sure, I had Gary Allan's song playing in the back of my head but it made for a good soundtrack as we watched the planes clear the ocean and then make it to the tarmac.
2. Historic site- this only works if you know enough about the story of the site you visit. You don't want to go overboard on the details to make it boring or like a class, but you want to know enough to field a few questions from your date. In this case Islander took me to a fort and told me the story of the fort. It wasn't like I was paying total attention (I know that's a running theme with me) because I was mostly waiting on him to make his move, but I did hear him talk enough with confidence to feel satisfied.
3. Walk on the beach - Everyone doesn't have this option, but if you do, do it. It's not overdone. Nor do I think it could be. You don't have to do it at sunset either. Just the simple suggestion evokes a positive reaction in women. Go for it!
4. Star gazing - I'd never paid enough attention to the sky to know what constituted the big dipper or the little dipper, but when Islander pointed them out, I was suddenly interested. I didn't go out and buy a telescope when I returned home, but I did find myself thinking how cool it was to sit and watch the big, beautiful sky and talk about my past and future with a good looking guy.
I'm pretty practical and one of the least romantic women I know based on my current refusal to watch most rom/coms and chick flicks so if these dates worked on me, they will more than likely work on most any woman.
Does not inspire confidence...
In grad school for every course we took we had to evaluate the course at the end of the term. One of the questions required us to rate on a scale of 1 to 5 the ability to which the professor inspired confidence in our individual abilities to understand the subject based on their teaching ability.
That question continues to stick in my mind as a suitor, we'll call "youngin" continues to hit on me while being involved with his girlfriend.
As I learned in February he began dating her in November, shortly before my relationship collapsed. He informed me that had he known then, he would have ended things but that now he was "in it." I know. Very romantic. Despite his admission, he still texts every Monday (unless I can get a break by saying something that makes him come to his senses for a few weeks) to flirt or ask me if we can "cuddle." My answer never changes: NO! And I tell him that he should be more concerned with his girlfriend. I've also pleaded with him not to break her heart. I don't know if it's possible.
In some of our exchanges, he's asked what's wrong with cuddling even though he has a significant other. I told him immediately, your desire to spend time cuddling with me when you have a girlfriend does not inspire confidence that you a) really like me enough to break up with her and see how things go with me and b) that you would be faithful to me if we were together. As a result, the answer remains no. I went so far as to tell him that if he and she never broke up at a time when I was single then that meant he and I were not meant to be and that I was okay with that.
A few weeks ago the night of the fight, he texted to see where I was going to watch the fight. When I informed him I had a migraine that I was going home to take care of, he offered to come over and sit with me. I told him with as much patience as possible that I couldn't deal with his flirting that night with the girlfriend still in the picture. He said she wasn't. Despite how tempting it was to have someone take care of me, I still declined. That was Saturday night. When I saw him three days later on Tuesday, they were back together. Apparently, they broke up for a short time.
I told him it might be in his best interest to really think about if this was the person he wanted to spend his spare time with since he seems to be in so much conflict all the time. I suggested he think about that and make the decision best for him and not bring anyone else in his drama until then. My phone has been quiet but then again, tomorrow is Monday.
As I learned in February he began dating her in November, shortly before my relationship collapsed. He informed me that had he known then, he would have ended things but that now he was "in it." I know. Very romantic. Despite his admission, he still texts every Monday (unless I can get a break by saying something that makes him come to his senses for a few weeks) to flirt or ask me if we can "cuddle." My answer never changes: NO! And I tell him that he should be more concerned with his girlfriend. I've also pleaded with him not to break her heart. I don't know if it's possible.
In some of our exchanges, he's asked what's wrong with cuddling even though he has a significant other. I told him immediately, your desire to spend time cuddling with me when you have a girlfriend does not inspire confidence that you a) really like me enough to break up with her and see how things go with me and b) that you would be faithful to me if we were together. As a result, the answer remains no. I went so far as to tell him that if he and she never broke up at a time when I was single then that meant he and I were not meant to be and that I was okay with that.
A few weeks ago the night of the fight, he texted to see where I was going to watch the fight. When I informed him I had a migraine that I was going home to take care of, he offered to come over and sit with me. I told him with as much patience as possible that I couldn't deal with his flirting that night with the girlfriend still in the picture. He said she wasn't. Despite how tempting it was to have someone take care of me, I still declined. That was Saturday night. When I saw him three days later on Tuesday, they were back together. Apparently, they broke up for a short time.
I told him it might be in his best interest to really think about if this was the person he wanted to spend his spare time with since he seems to be in so much conflict all the time. I suggested he think about that and make the decision best for him and not bring anyone else in his drama until then. My phone has been quiet but then again, tomorrow is Monday.
Perhaps that's what this is about
I've been reading A LOT of Christian books lately. The two I'm currently reading are about exemplifying God's love by acting in love to other people and also by witnessing to others.
I'd actually started to lament that I didn't have any weekly interactions with people to allow me to do so when I had a shocking conversation with Islander today.
When he asked about my day I told him I went to church. He asked did I pray for him and I said yes. He then apologized for using bad language in front of me and then he asked how often I went to church. His astonished reaction to my reply of "at least once a week," startled me. Sure, I know he spends his weekends on the beach talking to tourists about boat tours but surely, he goes to church at some point.
Apparently, not.
When I asked, he estimated he hadn't been to church in seven years and that was because his niece was being christened. Had I not been in the bed, I surely would have fallen on the floor with that omission.
He also shared however that a few days ago he was thinking about whether or not he should return to church. Apparently he was raised as a Seventh Day Adventist and he went to church often as a child, but in his adult life abroad, he strayed away and never "found time." He said he wants to pursue his faith again but he doesn't want to be a hypocrite because he knows there are several things that he needs to work on to live righteously.
Immediately, all I could think was- wow, God- is this my opportunity? Is this why you allowed me to meet him- to save his soul? And if so, I'm fine with that. I can see the good in him but I can also see where we aren't equally yoked because he doesn't have a strong spiritual foundation.
Even though I'm tired of fixing up other men for other women, if I can help him save his soul by praying for him and helping him see the light, then I can do nothing but serve God with gladness.
To be continued...
Apparently, not.
When I asked, he estimated he hadn't been to church in seven years and that was because his niece was being christened. Had I not been in the bed, I surely would have fallen on the floor with that omission.
He also shared however that a few days ago he was thinking about whether or not he should return to church. Apparently he was raised as a Seventh Day Adventist and he went to church often as a child, but in his adult life abroad, he strayed away and never "found time." He said he wants to pursue his faith again but he doesn't want to be a hypocrite because he knows there are several things that he needs to work on to live righteously.
Immediately, all I could think was- wow, God- is this my opportunity? Is this why you allowed me to meet him- to save his soul? And if so, I'm fine with that. I can see the good in him but I can also see where we aren't equally yoked because he doesn't have a strong spiritual foundation.
Even though I'm tired of fixing up other men for other women, if I can help him save his soul by praying for him and helping him see the light, then I can do nothing but serve God with gladness.
To be continued...
Language Lessons
Because the international date, from hereafter who will be called "Islander" has lived in England, he's picked up a few lessons in French.
Which is just perfect because I know Spanish.
So,when we communicate, we've found that the two of us rely on our second languages but the other has no idea what the other is saying. As a result, he decided to take time today to teach me French.
I'd like to think I'm a wiling student however, I don't think Skype quality necessarily allows me to say every word correctly.
It's quite sexy to hear his English-inspired accent pronouncing the French words over and over as I attempt them. In fact, it's downright distracting.
And as if that wasn't enough to distract me, he chose today to teach me how to say "C'est mon compain" or in English, "this is my boyfriend." Ummm... really, I didn't know we had reached that title status.
In fact, I thought we were still in the "continuing to get to know each other phase."
My ability to retain anything he taught me after that was nil. I hope he's a patient teacher. Or that he can catch on to Spanish when it's my time to instruct.
Sorta like the Energizer Bunny
My international date has continued to make his way onto my calendar. If I sound surprised it's because in all honesty, I am. I mean I honestly thought that he might not follow through on continuing contact.
After he called Wednesday night, I sent him a short e-mail saying I thought I missed his call but if he'd be up for skyping this weekend, to let me know.
Color me surprised when I get yet another phone call on Friday afternoon from him attempting to catch up and him telling me that he'd already sent me a skype contact invite so that we could talk.
I had no choice but to follow through. I'll get to the meat of our conversations in a few, but I have to say, I'm amazed at his follow through. I mean, he really does blow the other guys who rely on texting out of the water by calling (which again, is very similar to the other Trini I used to date who called from overseas).
He even called (drunkingly I think) this morning at 12:45 am waking me out of a dead sleep. I don't think he'll try that again.
But as the phone calls keep coming, all I can keep think is that he's sorta like the Energizer Bunny - you know how that slogan is that the batteries keep going and going-well, he keeps calling and calling. A girl could get used to this.
I had no choice but to follow through. I'll get to the meat of our conversations in a few, but I have to say, I'm amazed at his follow through. I mean, he really does blow the other guys who rely on texting out of the water by calling (which again, is very similar to the other Trini I used to date who called from overseas).
He even called (drunkingly I think) this morning at 12:45 am waking me out of a dead sleep. I don't think he'll try that again.
But as the phone calls keep coming, all I can keep think is that he's sorta like the Energizer Bunny - you know how that slogan is that the batteries keep going and going-well, he keeps calling and calling. A girl could get used to this.
Friday
Unexpected Call
Last night before bed, my phone rang. It was a number from Trinidad and Tobago.
I. Was. Shocked.
But since I didn't know who it was that called, I asked my friend to verify the number of the Trini I met last week.
I woke up this morning and her text confirmed. It was him.
Of course I don't have any calling cards to return the call BUT I'm intrigued that he called. And I guess I'll return his call soon at least with an e-mail for the moment.
Thursday
Chair Kicks and Side Cheek Pecks
Tonight I guess I was still high off my vacation experience because I decided to meet a long-time crush to watch the NBA Finals game. For about 1 minute it was just me and him until the two other guys he invited showed up.
While I really wanted to watch the game, I did put a little effort into my appearance in the event that only he and I would show.
Perhaps the other guys were invited b/c he didn't want it to appear to be a date. I have no idea if he's even smart enough to do that. What I did manage to glean is that he is in the market for someone special and that he's open to interracial relationships.
As I told a friend, nothing happened between us unless you count him kicking my chair throughout the night and taunting me when my team lost the game. I don't. I will give him points for great manners however: he gave me the cheek peck when we hugged to say goodbye and he walked me to my car. But that's it.
I figure at this point he sees me as one of the guys considering he invited me to go play golf with them on Saturday. I don't know if I will but who knows, maybe.
I admit it felt good to be back in the "My Boys" atmosphere again but I can see the danger of being perceived like "one of the guys" now at this point in my life and so I don't want to get that label with guys I like.
Perhaps the other guys were invited b/c he didn't want it to appear to be a date. I have no idea if he's even smart enough to do that. What I did manage to glean is that he is in the market for someone special and that he's open to interracial relationships.
As I told a friend, nothing happened between us unless you count him kicking my chair throughout the night and taunting me when my team lost the game. I don't. I will give him points for great manners however: he gave me the cheek peck when we hugged to say goodbye and he walked me to my car. But that's it.
I figure at this point he sees me as one of the guys considering he invited me to go play golf with them on Saturday. I don't know if I will but who knows, maybe.
I admit it felt good to be back in the "My Boys" atmosphere again but I can see the danger of being perceived like "one of the guys" now at this point in my life and so I don't want to get that label with guys I like.
Wednesday
Five things guys should do to attract women
I'm not speaking for all women when I write this post but over the course of my week in Trinidad and Tobago I was approached by several men-all of who took different approaches but the really good ones made me commit to several minutes of talk time at the least if they did one or some of the things I'll mention below. After talking to my friend who was with me, I decided this was a good starter list of what men could do to make them more attractive to women.
1. Be Chivalrous - I don't believe chivalry is dead and some of the guys I've met recently don't either. I've had multiple doors opened, had things carried for me (including my beach chair) and my favorite was being redirected to the other side of the sidewalk by my male companion so that if oncoming traffic took a wrong turn, I'd be protected (in theory) by him. In case the women don't know what you're doing, it's good for the man to explain it to the woman. It may have been a lie, but the men who have done it for me have stated their parents would be really disappointed if they saw him not doing what he'd been taught as a boy. Again, could be a lie but I like the story and thus I will always feel a warm tug at my heart if I guy does this for me.
2. Make her smile/laugh - Any guy who can come up with something witty and make the girl smile has a chance. Really, it's the truth.
3. State your purpose - While it's true you run the risk of getting shot down, you honestly knew that before you approached her. Better to state your purpose (I'd like to go out on a date, I'd like to buy you a drink, etc) and see what happens than kill time, sitting, talking and never following through leaving a question mark on what could happen between the person you're interested in. In the last few weeks I've had guys be very direct about their intentions to spend time with me and I've appreciated their honesty and been able to determine whether to give them my time or not.
4. Call - I've addressed how much I hate the texting dynamic of relationships before but even more so now I believe it's so important for a guy to call a woman once he gets her number. As a guy told me a few weeks ago - if a guy doesn't pick up the phone to call the first time after he meets a woman, you can automatically rule him out (note- he did say the guy was allowed to text if he met a woman that night and wanted to make sure she made it home safe but the next communication should be a call.)
5. BE HONEST- I can't emphasize this enough. Women have great intuition and so if you want to spin lies, you shouldn't approach the woman. "Just Go With It" is a movie. There is no one in your real life who should be willing to help you keep up with small or elaborate lies to be in a relationship. I had a guy tell me within the first few hours of meeting him how he was divorced, had a kid and a lot of other relationship baggage. While it was somewhat concerning he revealed so much immediately, I was glad he put his cards on the table to help me decide whether I was interested.
So, those are my thoughts on what men can do to attract the women they are attracted to. I'd love to hear if you have any additional thoughts or suggestions to the list.
1. Be Chivalrous - I don't believe chivalry is dead and some of the guys I've met recently don't either. I've had multiple doors opened, had things carried for me (including my beach chair) and my favorite was being redirected to the other side of the sidewalk by my male companion so that if oncoming traffic took a wrong turn, I'd be protected (in theory) by him. In case the women don't know what you're doing, it's good for the man to explain it to the woman. It may have been a lie, but the men who have done it for me have stated their parents would be really disappointed if they saw him not doing what he'd been taught as a boy. Again, could be a lie but I like the story and thus I will always feel a warm tug at my heart if I guy does this for me.
2. Make her smile/laugh - Any guy who can come up with something witty and make the girl smile has a chance. Really, it's the truth.
3. State your purpose - While it's true you run the risk of getting shot down, you honestly knew that before you approached her. Better to state your purpose (I'd like to go out on a date, I'd like to buy you a drink, etc) and see what happens than kill time, sitting, talking and never following through leaving a question mark on what could happen between the person you're interested in. In the last few weeks I've had guys be very direct about their intentions to spend time with me and I've appreciated their honesty and been able to determine whether to give them my time or not.
4. Call - I've addressed how much I hate the texting dynamic of relationships before but even more so now I believe it's so important for a guy to call a woman once he gets her number. As a guy told me a few weeks ago - if a guy doesn't pick up the phone to call the first time after he meets a woman, you can automatically rule him out (note- he did say the guy was allowed to text if he met a woman that night and wanted to make sure she made it home safe but the next communication should be a call.)
5. BE HONEST- I can't emphasize this enough. Women have great intuition and so if you want to spin lies, you shouldn't approach the woman. "Just Go With It" is a movie. There is no one in your real life who should be willing to help you keep up with small or elaborate lies to be in a relationship. I had a guy tell me within the first few hours of meeting him how he was divorced, had a kid and a lot of other relationship baggage. While it was somewhat concerning he revealed so much immediately, I was glad he put his cards on the table to help me decide whether I was interested.
So, those are my thoughts on what men can do to attract the women they are attracted to. I'd love to hear if you have any additional thoughts or suggestions to the list.
Back in the game
During the plane ride of my vacation it occurred to me that I'm officially back in the game. And by the game, I mean the One Date a Month Challenge.
I realized that unknowingly I put on a brave face (one was better than the other) in May and June to meet two different guys. And so in the spirit of the challenge, I even allowed myself to take it one step further and go on an international date while I was in T&T (more to come on that later and other encounters in future posts).
It's weird to be officially participating in the dating structure again, but I think I'm actually at peace with it because I have met some great guys (among the not so great).
At any rate it's good blogging material so I hope you enjoy the next few posts to come.
I realized that unknowingly I put on a brave face (one was better than the other) in May and June to meet two different guys. And so in the spirit of the challenge, I even allowed myself to take it one step further and go on an international date while I was in T&T (more to come on that later and other encounters in future posts).
It's weird to be officially participating in the dating structure again, but I think I'm actually at peace with it because I have met some great guys (among the not so great).
At any rate it's good blogging material so I hope you enjoy the next few posts to come.
Monday
To You...
A letter to you. You know who you are.
Dear You,
I didn't get a chance to say everything I wanted to say this weekend and since I'm getting on a plane, I have a habit of needing to express myself in case I never get the moment to do so ever again.
1. I like you. You're the first guy I've been able to stomach since my boyfriend. And by stomach I mean, I actually look forward to talking to you. I can endure texting you and I look forward to every time I get to see you in person. I also don't try to figure you out too soon. I like it when you share things about your life that I could google but I'd rather get to know you personally.
2. Kids don't scare me. Thanks for sharing what you did. I've been there before and I understand the patience required to navigate this situation so I wouldn't attempt to rush or barge my way into anything.
3. My favorite movie is You've Got Mail. So I'm as big of a softee as you. But I have to admit that U.S. Marshalls is also in my top two so I am slightly hard core.
4. I would love to sit and watch movies with you all day. I could see us passing time in that way with all the movies you and I both feel the other should see. Don't be surprised if other movies are in our future.
5. Maybe we were moving too fast at a point and that we needed to slow down. And maybe once we did, we went too slow that we actually lost some ground. Whatever it is, I hope to continue forward which leads me to:
6. I want us to do the adventures we mentioned. I would love for you to teach me something new and then for us to learn how to do something together. I need adventures in my life and I want someone to share that experience to someone. I also want that person to be you.
7. I was nervous. You brought some high stakes with the pool atmosphere, your workout regimen... I like you. I can't quiet all the self-doubt in my head so some of the things that would be good to say are left unsaid and the things I do say, you may take the wrong way. This is something I'd like to work on. Just like you, I've relied on my writing abilities to help me explain my feelings but I don't want it to be a too little, too late type thing.
8. I don't want you to think I'm only into you because of your past. Which is probably why I even offered to pay half of the bill. It wasn't me dismissing our date, it was me letting you know that I don't want to take advantage of you. And if I appear too independent for you, tell me! There's nothing I want more than to have someone to support who would also support me.
9. Thank you for letting me order my healthy food. I know I may have seem rigid sticking to my meal plan but honestly you and I ordered the same thing for both meals. I can't believe you share my affinity for Frosted Flakes!! I will say even though I didn't indulge in the dessert, you did get me to try something new - the berries. I've never eaten them before but you were so sweet to feed them to me, I couldn't resist. I see that as a metaphor for the future. That you could just show me a different side of life that I haven't tried because no one else has treaded that water first and thus my life lacks until you show how much more fulfilling it can be.
10. I hope I get to say this in person sometime. I'm giving you space now and I hope that when I return I will have some kind of message from you. I hope that you will come spend time with me in my new place of residence when you get back from out of the country and that I can come visit you in your winter residence.
Xs and Os,
Me
1. I like you. You're the first guy I've been able to stomach since my boyfriend. And by stomach I mean, I actually look forward to talking to you. I can endure texting you and I look forward to every time I get to see you in person. I also don't try to figure you out too soon. I like it when you share things about your life that I could google but I'd rather get to know you personally.
2. Kids don't scare me. Thanks for sharing what you did. I've been there before and I understand the patience required to navigate this situation so I wouldn't attempt to rush or barge my way into anything.
3. My favorite movie is You've Got Mail. So I'm as big of a softee as you. But I have to admit that U.S. Marshalls is also in my top two so I am slightly hard core.
4. I would love to sit and watch movies with you all day. I could see us passing time in that way with all the movies you and I both feel the other should see. Don't be surprised if other movies are in our future.
5. Maybe we were moving too fast at a point and that we needed to slow down. And maybe once we did, we went too slow that we actually lost some ground. Whatever it is, I hope to continue forward which leads me to:
6. I want us to do the adventures we mentioned. I would love for you to teach me something new and then for us to learn how to do something together. I need adventures in my life and I want someone to share that experience to someone. I also want that person to be you.
7. I was nervous. You brought some high stakes with the pool atmosphere, your workout regimen... I like you. I can't quiet all the self-doubt in my head so some of the things that would be good to say are left unsaid and the things I do say, you may take the wrong way. This is something I'd like to work on. Just like you, I've relied on my writing abilities to help me explain my feelings but I don't want it to be a too little, too late type thing.
8. I don't want you to think I'm only into you because of your past. Which is probably why I even offered to pay half of the bill. It wasn't me dismissing our date, it was me letting you know that I don't want to take advantage of you. And if I appear too independent for you, tell me! There's nothing I want more than to have someone to support who would also support me.
9. Thank you for letting me order my healthy food. I know I may have seem rigid sticking to my meal plan but honestly you and I ordered the same thing for both meals. I can't believe you share my affinity for Frosted Flakes!! I will say even though I didn't indulge in the dessert, you did get me to try something new - the berries. I've never eaten them before but you were so sweet to feed them to me, I couldn't resist. I see that as a metaphor for the future. That you could just show me a different side of life that I haven't tried because no one else has treaded that water first and thus my life lacks until you show how much more fulfilling it can be.
10. I hope I get to say this in person sometime. I'm giving you space now and I hope that when I return I will have some kind of message from you. I hope that you will come spend time with me in my new place of residence when you get back from out of the country and that I can come visit you in your winter residence.
Xs and Os,
Me
Sunday
The Pact
A few years ago, I made a pact with my friend that if we weren't married by the age 30 that we'd get married. He's since married one of my closest friends and I'll never forget that when he knew he was going to propose, he started off the convo with: I hate to break this to you but you'll have to find someone else for your pact.
And today as I sit 1 year and six months away from my 30th birthday I realize, I don't have anyone still for my pact. That phone call happened three years ago this month.
I keep thinking about the person I spent time with this weekend and while he may not be a good fit for the pact, he might be good for a plus 1 pact. Someone who I can call on when I need to go somewhere and don't want to go it alone.
I think about how much attending weddings alone has become a depressing. I know the true measure of friendship is that you can be happy for someone else in spite of your situation, but with the slew of weddings that are impending upon my life, I'd like to have a little fun as well with someone.
I've yet to go on a vacation recently and experience something and not think "I wish I had someone to share this moment with." It's not that I can't enjoy the moment but it's just like running in a race with a friend: it's a lot more fun to help each other get through the rough parts and cross together.
And that's what I envision my marriage to be. A partner who coaxes me through when I feel like quitting. Who may push me to go faster than I normally would on some things but then also willing to slow down when I need a break. But also the person who is the first to hug me in the big moments. Someone who can keep the weaknesses and flaws I exhibit under wraps but also admire how they make me who I am.
I of course want to do the same for this person. Make sure they know I can be there for them and that together we can achieve anything.
In the meantime maybe I'll just set up a dating service entitled "Plus One" that helps women and men have dates for special events only and these are consenting adults who will do someone else a favor in return for someone going to an event with them.
What's wrong with me?
I hate the question "why are you still single?" and this weekend I was asked it again.
For this occasion, I explained my circumstances. That I had a bf but we ended things and so I'm single.
And later as the conversation steered toward marriage expectations I agreed with my companion that I go back and forth on whether it's for me or not.
It's easy when you meet someone great to have that split-second thought that maybe it could lead to something more and when I'm going after the things I want to do in my life and I barely have time to think, I realize how lucky I am that I don't have to explain my absence to anyone.
But the reality of my life plans/desires really hit home today while attending a friend's baby shower. As I stomached the many "oohs, ahhs, and how cutes" about the baby gifts, I realized that I'm not like a lot of women who get their kicks from doing more traditional feminine things. But as I saw the joy on my friend's face when she talked about her pending arrival and how happy everyone else was in the room, I felt a pang of sadness that I don't have someone in my life that I can have kids with.
My biggest fear in life is that I'll give in to temptation one day for thinking that I won't ever find the right person to marry and then end up having a child out of wedlock. There. I've said it. And I think out of all the things I've done in my life that should have scared me, I can't believe that the thought of being alone in the world and having a child alone is the one things that completely freaks me out.
I look through my phone and I see lots of opportunities lost. There's the young guy who has a girlfriend but shamelessly flirts. The friend of a friend who we can't ever seem to be available at the same time. And there's a list of other professional, sweet guys who I know that aren't the one for me.
And because of that, I'm beginning to lose hope. Me- ever the optimist has faith that is dwindling down to less than a mustard seed. And now, every missed call, every text message is just a reminder that I am still waiting for the person who will assist in my feeling that I have everything I want in life and help push me to go after the things I haven't yet accomplished.
The trouble with friends
People always say its great to date your friends because you know them well so when things go bad you always have the friendship.
The trouble with that is when things get romantic sometimes the thought of things not going well will keep you from enjoying the moment and discovering what could be great.
At least that's what happened to me this weekend. I was in the presence of a really amazing guy and there were sparks but when we had to make the decision of what to do, we opted for the friendship.
Part of me says it may have been too early. That there were still things I need(ed) to learn-some of which he revealed- for a while before I make a proper decision. But there's that other part of me that wonders about what could have been. And wonders if I've broken my promise to myself about not settling or leaving opportunities on the table.
And that is perhaps the most troubling factor. Because I feel he's a good guy - an awesome guy in fact- with a lot of the qualities I admire. Not at all perfect, not exactly what I'd choose for myself if I had to name everything I wanted BUT someone who makes me smile, who I can talk to and spend time with for hours on end and who has the most amazing smile and dimples.
In the few months I've known him, I've seen his dedication, drive and loyalty to other friends. I also saw how sweet and charming he can be. As well a riotous. That's he's sensitive and has a romantic side. Adventurous and has very similar personality traits- shoot during both meals we ate together, we ordered the same thing! I don't think there's enough time to analyze someone's personality and whether you should go with it in the moment but if I had the moment again, man would I change some things.
I hope I get a second chance.
Was it something I didn't say?
I'm having a mental freakout. I've replayed this weekend's events over and over in my head. I've seen where I may have missed a few signals -some good, some warnings- and basically, where I may not have come off in the best light.
But it's too late to do anything.
I realized that I may have been guarded. That I didn't give away a lot of information about myself- probably for fear of divulging too much. And because of that, there's a lot that now remains to be known and I may have come off as distant.
For the first time in a long time I wish I could do something over. Sadly, I can't. I hope that maybe in the future I can redeem myself. I'm not sure if the door has been closed completely. I hope it hasn't.
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