A few months ago when I got back together with my ex-boyfriend I made a list of the things that bothered me about our relationship. At lunch I was telling my guy friend that I've found my list of things I wanted in a man in my new friend Valentine. Because of his closeness to the ex, I made sure to let him know Valentine and I are just friends so it was just reassuring to me that there was a man out there who fit what I was looking for so there was hope I could find that man for myself.
I didn't tell him that secretly I hope and believe Valentine is that man, but I came across this list and had to share it. It's been weighing on me since my Bible Study last week was about Godly relationships and essentially that's what I've been wanting/wanted with my ex. Here it is:
1. No more canceled dates - with the exception of oversleeping the gym, Valentine has fulfilled all plans-including the difficult ones.
2. Advance notice on dates- He's a planner for sure and there's usually at the least one day in advance notice of planning even if we aren't sure exactly what we are going to do.
3. Phone calls in b/t days we don't see each other-not just texts - I haven't had to worry about this since day one. Mostly, it's texts throughout the day until he can actually have a phone conversation. I love hearing his ring tone!
4. Going to church together- We've both attended events at each other's church and now we just have to get to an actual service.
5. Praying together- We pray before meals and we pray for each other and each other's friends and loved ones. I always say the friends that pray together, stay together.
6. Honest dialogue in person/over the phone even on tough subjects- With the exception of him admitting (whether he realized it or not) that he has told me at least one untruth he is very honest and open about everything. I have learned to read his body language and how he can be evasive when he has plans that don't involve me but I'm very content with my life and I try to not stress out when he hangs out with other women whom he calls friends. Especially when he calls me immediately after he finishes hanging out with them to tell me about their activities. Including if they come on to him.
7. Acknowledgment of special days w/gifts or card- His name is Valentine-need I say more? Oh and the fact that my b-day is programmed in his phone so he won't forget it.
I need to know things have changed or that they can. I don't like having to beg for information he should just supply. I don't want to feel I come second to everyone else in his life. I need his trust that I can be understanding even when the news may be disappointing. Its only when he acts like a coward that I get angry... I don't want him to mistake my being with him for not having options-I need him to be the man who he wants to be. And if he can't, I need to leave. - Whenever I'm with Valentine I feel safe and protected and that I'm the only thing that matters. I have his undivided attention and I like giving him mine. We complement each other very well in personality and I like knowing that if his family had an activity, he would bring me along no problem or explain the conflict as soon as he could so that I could change my plans accordingly.
So there you have it. That's my list of notes I scribbled on my blackberry a few months ago. God answers prayers, sometimes you just have to wait on Him to do so.
Sunday
Meet the Parents
The next few weeks or months will be extremely interesting with regards to Valentine.
To date, far he's met my entire immediate family while I have not met his mom or dad. The other night he mentioned wanting to take a visit to see his dad who lives about 20 minutes away and I told him I'd like that. I'd also like to meet his mom because from what he's shared, she seems like a really fun person.
Of course, on my side this means that he will have to meet my godparents. And while some people may think he's in the clear because he's met my parents already, I have to admit my godparents, my godfather in particular, are MUCH more tougher. If you don't believe me, ask my high school boyfriend.
The fact that we are planning whom we'd like the other to meet that means the most is a good sign that each of us sees that person connecting with these people or being a good judge of character. Which makes me think about how I must behave correctly at all times because my world is getting smaller and smaller as the days go by.
On Thursday, I had to pick him up from the barber shop and he asked me to come in just so his barber could see me. I pray despite all my anxiety for getting to the church on time I put in a good impression and didn't appear rude. I noticed that is something I need to work on and I want to do nothing but be a better person when he's around. I know I'm human but there's always room for improvement but my impatience is the one area that I can definitely tame in the days to come.
I'd hate to have had a bad encounter with anyone he introduces me to and then have to justify my bad behavior. So, my new mantra is: relax, relate, release...
But the most important thing is to go with the flow and let him plan when these meetings happen. I WILL not rush into anything but I'm also anxious to meet his parents. In two weeks I'm scheduled to attend church with him. I think I'll start planning my outfit now.
To date, far he's met my entire immediate family while I have not met his mom or dad. The other night he mentioned wanting to take a visit to see his dad who lives about 20 minutes away and I told him I'd like that. I'd also like to meet his mom because from what he's shared, she seems like a really fun person.
Of course, on my side this means that he will have to meet my godparents. And while some people may think he's in the clear because he's met my parents already, I have to admit my godparents, my godfather in particular, are MUCH more tougher. If you don't believe me, ask my high school boyfriend.
The fact that we are planning whom we'd like the other to meet that means the most is a good sign that each of us sees that person connecting with these people or being a good judge of character. Which makes me think about how I must behave correctly at all times because my world is getting smaller and smaller as the days go by.
On Thursday, I had to pick him up from the barber shop and he asked me to come in just so his barber could see me. I pray despite all my anxiety for getting to the church on time I put in a good impression and didn't appear rude. I noticed that is something I need to work on and I want to do nothing but be a better person when he's around. I know I'm human but there's always room for improvement but my impatience is the one area that I can definitely tame in the days to come.
I'd hate to have had a bad encounter with anyone he introduces me to and then have to justify my bad behavior. So, my new mantra is: relax, relate, release...
But the most important thing is to go with the flow and let him plan when these meetings happen. I WILL not rush into anything but I'm also anxious to meet his parents. In two weeks I'm scheduled to attend church with him. I think I'll start planning my outfit now.
Feb. 26
Again, Valentine is a man of his word. During the last week of my training schedule my training told me I could have cashews. Immediately following my workout I drove to Walgreens with Valentine and he bought my cashews for me --which happened to be on sale.
I told him how much I loved cashews and that I'd been missing them and that was the end of our conversation.
The next day he told me he would buy me more cashews on February 26. When I asked what was the significance was of that day he said he wasn't sure but that was the day he would buy them.
I actually remembered this on Thursday, but during another trip to Walgreens together, I purchased some more when we picked up his orange juice and Claritin.
So I was pleasantly surprised on Friday, Feb. 26 when I got a text saying, I bought your cashews. Not only did he remember but he did it on the exact day he said he would.
I've yet to see or receive said cashews but yesterday I got a call with a stern warning not to buy any cashews because he had them for me. I'm almost finished with my can from Thursday (I promise to slow down soon) so I hope I get them soon!
His gesture reminds me of the relationship tip William Forrester gives Jamal Wallace in the movie Finding Forrester "An unexpected gift at an unexpected time." While he forecasted the cashews, and to some extent the t-shirt and other V-day gift he gave me, they are still unexpected and appreciated.
I told him how much I loved cashews and that I'd been missing them and that was the end of our conversation.
The next day he told me he would buy me more cashews on February 26. When I asked what was the significance was of that day he said he wasn't sure but that was the day he would buy them.
I actually remembered this on Thursday, but during another trip to Walgreens together, I purchased some more when we picked up his orange juice and Claritin.
So I was pleasantly surprised on Friday, Feb. 26 when I got a text saying, I bought your cashews. Not only did he remember but he did it on the exact day he said he would.
I've yet to see or receive said cashews but yesterday I got a call with a stern warning not to buy any cashews because he had them for me. I'm almost finished with my can from Thursday (I promise to slow down soon) so I hope I get them soon!
His gesture reminds me of the relationship tip William Forrester gives Jamal Wallace in the movie Finding Forrester "An unexpected gift at an unexpected time." While he forecasted the cashews, and to some extent the t-shirt and other V-day gift he gave me, they are still unexpected and appreciated.
Above and Beyond
Something happened this week between me and Valentine that has placed him closer to the top of my best male friend list. If he were my boyfriend, there's no doubt he'd be at the top, but he's not so he's still being judged by the other friends.
Last Saturday I received the news that my youth matron from church had passed. This woman meant so much to me because of all the things she taught me not only about Christ but also about life. In her final weeks I would visit her at the hospital or home and I mentioned this to Valentine. He was impressed with her impact on my life and even bought her a card telling her this. When I shared the news that she died and told him when the services were scheduled he told me he had the day off and he wanted to come with me.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Honestly, I was cynical because I've had other guys promise things before realizing the weight of the promise, so I didn't tell many people. I kept it to myself and even gave him more than one chance to renege on his promise. He didn't. In fact, he kept saying he was going to spend his entire day with me.
So on Thursday morning he accompanied me to the memorial service. I introduced him to some but not all of my favorite people including my pastor's wife. She of course, made a comment about him being my "man" but I tried to make sure she knew we were friends. Apparently, no one else is buying that excuse but us.
I planned to take him to one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants after but it was closed so instead we went to lunch with my entire family at Cracker Barrel- a first for him.
He'd mentioned that his little brother had a track meet so I offered for us to attend it but instead he wanted to rest before hitting the gym. As we all know, I never resist a nap so I slept on the couch after convincing him that he should sleep in his bed and that I'd be fine.
An hour later he was determined to hit the gym although I tried to make him stay since he'd developed a cough and was sneezing. My vote apparently didn't count. Once we arrived he kept looking for my parents because he and my dad had discussed coming around 6 pm and he wanted to keep his word. What we didn't know was that my father on the other hand had fallen asleep and would not make it that night.
As we left his place to venture to the gym, I got in my car and he in his so I knew we'd part ways after the gym. Boy, was I wrong. As we walked in the parking lot he asked what we were eating for dinner and suggested his favorite Chinese place. We got there pretty close to closing so we were able to order the house special rice.
After we were both clean and refreshed from our separate showers, I sat on the couch while he prepared our plates. We prayed, ate and then spent the next few hours reading the book "Revelations from Heaven" aloud to each other and discussing the book as well as the eulogy from the memorial.
Before I knew it, it was 1 am and time for me to go home. I couldn't believe I'd spent more than 12 hours with him and could have gone on for hours. I know some people that I've hung out with that I could only stand for about 2 hours.
I was sure to tell him how blessed I felt to have him in my life as a friend and to thank him for helping me through the day. It could have been much harder on me if he weren't there to get me through and I am so grateful for his actions.
To me, he went above and beyond the call of friendship and I will never forget what that meant to me.
Last Saturday I received the news that my youth matron from church had passed. This woman meant so much to me because of all the things she taught me not only about Christ but also about life. In her final weeks I would visit her at the hospital or home and I mentioned this to Valentine. He was impressed with her impact on my life and even bought her a card telling her this. When I shared the news that she died and told him when the services were scheduled he told me he had the day off and he wanted to come with me.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Honestly, I was cynical because I've had other guys promise things before realizing the weight of the promise, so I didn't tell many people. I kept it to myself and even gave him more than one chance to renege on his promise. He didn't. In fact, he kept saying he was going to spend his entire day with me.
So on Thursday morning he accompanied me to the memorial service. I introduced him to some but not all of my favorite people including my pastor's wife. She of course, made a comment about him being my "man" but I tried to make sure she knew we were friends. Apparently, no one else is buying that excuse but us.
I planned to take him to one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants after but it was closed so instead we went to lunch with my entire family at Cracker Barrel- a first for him.
He'd mentioned that his little brother had a track meet so I offered for us to attend it but instead he wanted to rest before hitting the gym. As we all know, I never resist a nap so I slept on the couch after convincing him that he should sleep in his bed and that I'd be fine.
An hour later he was determined to hit the gym although I tried to make him stay since he'd developed a cough and was sneezing. My vote apparently didn't count. Once we arrived he kept looking for my parents because he and my dad had discussed coming around 6 pm and he wanted to keep his word. What we didn't know was that my father on the other hand had fallen asleep and would not make it that night.
As we left his place to venture to the gym, I got in my car and he in his so I knew we'd part ways after the gym. Boy, was I wrong. As we walked in the parking lot he asked what we were eating for dinner and suggested his favorite Chinese place. We got there pretty close to closing so we were able to order the house special rice.
After we were both clean and refreshed from our separate showers, I sat on the couch while he prepared our plates. We prayed, ate and then spent the next few hours reading the book "Revelations from Heaven" aloud to each other and discussing the book as well as the eulogy from the memorial.
Before I knew it, it was 1 am and time for me to go home. I couldn't believe I'd spent more than 12 hours with him and could have gone on for hours. I know some people that I've hung out with that I could only stand for about 2 hours.
I was sure to tell him how blessed I felt to have him in my life as a friend and to thank him for helping me through the day. It could have been much harder on me if he weren't there to get me through and I am so grateful for his actions.
To me, he went above and beyond the call of friendship and I will never forget what that meant to me.
Friends to the End
I've said it before but I will say it again: I have some of the best male friends there are in this world.
Two in particular, well three but that's another entry, made my week.
The first is my ace boon coon in Tennessee who gave me a dose of reality when it came to my approach to relationships. It's amazing no matter how many times you hear people talk about their mistakes and you mentally list them for others, you still find yourself doing the same thing. In my case in particular, I was beginning to put a time limit on the development of something that I hope will develop. He sternly but sweetly reminded me that: It's never about "the right" timing, if it's the right person it will happen no matter how wrong the timing may seem.
Point taken.
The next guy made me feel overly special when he took time out of his schedule to have lunch yesterday. This gesture may seem insignificant, but he realized he hadn't followed through on seeing me during his last 3-4 visits to my city, so he ensured that it didn't happen this time. It's great to see how God is working in his life and I PRAY that he finds the right woman who can accept and return all the love he has in heart.
Despite what my Marriable book may have said, I think my male friends are the exception and not the rule. As long as you follow etiquette, you and a male friend can maintain a friendship even if they are in a marriage or serious relationship. Just make sure your motives are pure and solely platonic and don't forget to throw in a "Say hi to _____" every time you talk. That doesn't hurt either.
Two in particular, well three but that's another entry, made my week.
The first is my ace boon coon in Tennessee who gave me a dose of reality when it came to my approach to relationships. It's amazing no matter how many times you hear people talk about their mistakes and you mentally list them for others, you still find yourself doing the same thing. In my case in particular, I was beginning to put a time limit on the development of something that I hope will develop. He sternly but sweetly reminded me that: It's never about "the right" timing, if it's the right person it will happen no matter how wrong the timing may seem.
Point taken.
The next guy made me feel overly special when he took time out of his schedule to have lunch yesterday. This gesture may seem insignificant, but he realized he hadn't followed through on seeing me during his last 3-4 visits to my city, so he ensured that it didn't happen this time. It's great to see how God is working in his life and I PRAY that he finds the right woman who can accept and return all the love he has in heart.
Despite what my Marriable book may have said, I think my male friends are the exception and not the rule. As long as you follow etiquette, you and a male friend can maintain a friendship even if they are in a marriage or serious relationship. Just make sure your motives are pure and solely platonic and don't forget to throw in a "Say hi to _____" every time you talk. That doesn't hurt either.
Monday
Tempted but not ready yet
This weekend after reading "Marriable" and how the husband and wife authors were able to find each other through an online dating site, I was tempted to take eHarmony up on its 5-free days of communication with prospective matches.
Again, I'll say I was tempted but before I fully committed to logging on and creating a new annoynmous email, I was saved by a parental request to go to the gym.
Whew, that was close.
The truth is, while I have nothing against those sites, I still hope that the person for me is somewhere in this city (selfishly because I don't want to move) and that God will bring that person to me as long as I'm not dumb enough to think they will just come ring my doorbell.
Therefore I must continue to press on in this dating game. Smiling at people --everyone not just men--and learning how to project my positive personal traits and nip those other bad traits in the bud before the hubby comes along.
Again, I'll say I was tempted but before I fully committed to logging on and creating a new annoynmous email, I was saved by a parental request to go to the gym.
Whew, that was close.
The truth is, while I have nothing against those sites, I still hope that the person for me is somewhere in this city (selfishly because I don't want to move) and that God will bring that person to me as long as I'm not dumb enough to think they will just come ring my doorbell.
Therefore I must continue to press on in this dating game. Smiling at people --everyone not just men--and learning how to project my positive personal traits and nip those other bad traits in the bud before the hubby comes along.
Add to your playlist
I've discovered the best song ever that describes where I am in my life right now.
The song is "According to You" by Orianthi.
I purchased it maybe two weeks ago and I'm sure it has been played over 40 times on my ipod...
Essentially in the song the girl compares the two men in life. One guy just sees all her faults while the other sees her strengths and possibilities and most important: her beauty!
According to "Marriable" and my real-life experience, that's really the number one thing women want, to know that men think they are beautiful.*
In the song she has to choose because the negative guy is not really giving her much of a choice with his closed-mindedness and harmful assessment of her personality.
I love this song because it reminds me of the night and day difference of the men in my life and if I want I can take it one step further and bring it to a spiritual level relating the "good guy" with God who thinks I'm "everything he ever wanted."
Download it today-you'll love it, especially when running at a speed of 7.0 on the treadmill!!
*Valentine tells me more often than not that I'm beautiful or that other people who encounter me think I'm beautiful. It may sound vain but I never get tired of hearing it. I guess I should return the favor in a way that sounds genuine-because I do think he's handsome. Meanwhile when I mentioned to my "other guy" that I lost mt goal weight of 30 pounds he told me, "yeah, it looks like you've been through chemo." *sigh*
The song is "According to You" by Orianthi.
I purchased it maybe two weeks ago and I'm sure it has been played over 40 times on my ipod...
Essentially in the song the girl compares the two men in life. One guy just sees all her faults while the other sees her strengths and possibilities and most important: her beauty!
According to "Marriable" and my real-life experience, that's really the number one thing women want, to know that men think they are beautiful.*
In the song she has to choose because the negative guy is not really giving her much of a choice with his closed-mindedness and harmful assessment of her personality.
I love this song because it reminds me of the night and day difference of the men in my life and if I want I can take it one step further and bring it to a spiritual level relating the "good guy" with God who thinks I'm "everything he ever wanted."
Download it today-you'll love it, especially when running at a speed of 7.0 on the treadmill!!
*Valentine tells me more often than not that I'm beautiful or that other people who encounter me think I'm beautiful. It may sound vain but I never get tired of hearing it. I guess I should return the favor in a way that sounds genuine-because I do think he's handsome. Meanwhile when I mentioned to my "other guy" that I lost mt goal weight of 30 pounds he told me, "yeah, it looks like you've been through chemo." *sigh*
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