The haunting of my own words

I'm beginning to think what people say about your words coming true is true. And the worse part is even if you change your mind about it, when it comes true that doesn't matter. So now, I regret saying things like "I don't think I'll ever get married. I don't think I'm cut out to be married. I don't want children...." I think you get the drift. There's no internal clock going off causing this drama. It's just the sense of loss when you've found something good and then you no longer have it. The thought of having to go without that thing can be downright depressing. Especially when you realized you didn't mind having it "for as long as you both shall live" if given that option. Am I a wild thing? Am I ready to run? I don't think so, but thanks Dixie Chicks for those anthem so many years ago. This journey may have many twists and turns and I have no idea what's up the road of how many of them there are but I will keep going with the hopes that when it gets dark someone else can put up the tent and I, though capable of assembly, can simply hold the flashlight.

En Vogue

R&B/Pop quartet En Vogue had a song called "love" during which they kept posing the question "Love, Love, what is it? What is it?" I wonder if they ever found the answer. I have been reading a lot of books about Christian love and how we should love each other. Ironically, one of those books is what spurred my current state of affairs (or lack there of I should say)... After reading those books I know what I should do and how I should act in Christian love but I find that one of two things happen: 1) when I do encounter someone who needs the loving touch I still let my natural man take over and thus I probably bruise this person more than i should. 2) I find myself waiting for the one person I believe I should be giving this love to when really I miss the opportunity to dish it out to other souls who need it more. Well, isn't that just sad. And yet, because I don't have anyone to call me on it (other than the man upstairs who knows my thoughts better than I) I just sit and read and pray that one day I'll get it together. I feel that sometimes I'm doing the same thing that I learned years ago when working in sports: fake it until you make it. Don't feel like being loving? Fake it. Give to people who you think need it. Give because you've heard that will help spur it. Give love and act like you don't care if you give it back. Although I know that's not entirely true. I mean its only because of love that a man died on a cross for me. There has to be a reason my life is tied to love. Has to be.

The Conversation

This week I finished author Hill Harper's book "The Conversation." Aside from enjoying how intelligent Harper is, I thoroughly enjoyed his discourse on why we have trouble with Black relationships. A lot of what he mentions in the book I had heard in some shape, form or fashion but seeing all the arguments together and how unrealistic some are when you think about the history of black relationships really made me think about changing my approach which I admit, I thought was already liberal. But more than anything, it made me realize how much I cared about a certain individual and how I wish that one day he and I could look back at what we are going through now and see it as just one of the hurdles we worked together to get through. In the mean time I did practice some of Hill's tips on how to give "a brother a chance" when dating just this weekend. The scenario: unassuming kid asks me out- he's new to town and caught me on a day where I didn't feel like letting anyone down. It reminded me of my best friend when he asked me to hang out- I told him we could only be friends, he said that was all he wanted and we've been friends since. So, since this guy reminded me of him, I figured I would be nice. We settle to meet at a local ice cream shop, I choose this place for the day we were originally supposed to meet because I honestly didn't want a) for him to have to pay more than 1.08 to hang out and b) for me to have to go out of my way for this meetup. He unwisely asks to move the date back to a time later that night which I decline and so we instead end up meeting on Sunday afternoon (during full price hours). Because we have more "time" that afternoon he originally suggests two different options for after the ice cream-I suggest we play it by ear. I read Harper's book before driving over so I decided to give him a chance. Here's where it goes wrong: 1. I get there before him... I'm a punctual person. Just because I carry books in my purse in case my companion is late doesn't mean I really want to use it. 2. He goes through what I think is a list of pre-determined questions. At times he doesn't allow me to finish my sentence because he's asking the next question. 3. He doesn't talk about himself...only his thoughts. Which got really deep for a first conversation if you ask me and there were times I found myself tuning out. 4. He rushed the ice cream talking portion to get to the next event which allowed me to escape when there was no parking. 5. He revealed his age without asking mine. This let me know he is way younger than I'd ever consider dating and thus able to rule him out. BUT since this sounds harsh here's what he did right: 1. He called to make plans 2. He had a plan when he called and didn't do the "I don't know what do you want to do..." 3. He showed up... the second time at least 4. He wasn't afraid to give his opinion. 5. He called after the date to follow up on hanging out again. And when he did it was an option that he thought I'd like because of the type of music I said I'd listen to. I think he's a nice enough guy, but there's no fun when you look or talk to a person and in the back of your mind all you can think is "I will eat you alive." I don't get my kicks from being mean or disappointing people. The easy way out of this would be to tell him I'm moving next week and get out of it, but Harper encourages us to have the difficult conversations so my "woman up" goal is to tell him. I'm sorry, I'm not interested. In no way in my head can I fathom starting something with someone nor do I even want to make the effort to do so. I'm happy with my couch, watching basketball alone. In the words of Kel Mitchell "Ah, here it goes..."

In between

To be honest that's the state I'm in. Somewhere between wanting to stay and also being told (directly and indirectly) that it might be best to move on. And yet, I sit. I sometimes think Humpty Dumpty had it easy. He got to where he wanted, fell and then his fate was decided by the kings horses and men (side note how can a horse put an egg back together and why was humpty so special that the king's horses and men were trying to put him together...). He was done. He was breakfast or maybe lunch and that was that. But on the upside, he did get a children's nursery rhyme to memorialize him... And while a part of me longs to have my fate become official. There's the other part of me that recites 1 Corinthians 13 over and over in my brain and who believes that maybe my mustard seed of fate, mixed with opportunity and just a smidgen of courage for both parties can turn things around. I don't know if it is completely naive to think that is possible but then that mustard seed has to take action at some point...right???

It's been a while

To say the least. And really, that's the least I can say these days. Actually, that isn't true. When it comes to the part of my life I used to share openly on this blog I've become relatively mute. A clam. I don't give. It's as if I'm playing poker with the rest of the world and I'm the only one who knows someone forgot to take out the jokers when they dealt the cards so I'm really in the game with a losing hand. If that sounds pessimistic, I hate to disappoint you even further by saying that actually sounded poetic and optimistic to me. See, at least by me bluffing, I'm trying to wait out the rest of the people at the table and see how long it takes before they fold. And maybe, just maybe I can be the last person standing even when dealt the crappiest hand at the table. In fact, I feel that's what happened these last 21 months. I had a promising outlook and then it all went down the crapper. But, I'm still here, I made it through the times I didn't think it would even possible to keep forging ahead and best of all, I accomplished everything I originally set out to do. Guess that Joker card isn't the only one with the sinister grin.