Intimacy Article

As life would have it, someone shared this article about intimacy with me today. Totally explains what I experience with Valentine on the recreational, emotional and spiritual levels. Pretty cool:

AFFECTIONAL INTIMACY

“Affectional Intimacy usually comes from the sharing of affection through ugging, holding, a hand or a touch on the shoulder,” says Mason. But even a glance can be “touching”. Editor and author Asha Bandele remmebers such a moment. One day, as she lay reading next to her then two-month old baby, she felt a tiny tug on her sweater. “I looked down at Nisa’s little face and she fust fixed her eyes on me this purposeful, aware sort of way,” says Bandele. “Then she reached up and held my face in her hands. She was still staring straight at me, and her face lit up into this big smile. With that simple act of touch I felt truly, deeply loved by her. As a new mother, you know you’re needed But you don’t know for a long time that you’re loved.”

To make the connection: Reach out and touch someone. Treat your honey to a foot massage or give Mom a manicure. Touch is a bond you can share with anyone. Know that some types of touching may be uncomfortable for people who have been abused or who aren’t from physically expressive families, so make sure you have their permission before you reach out.



RECREATIONAL INTIMACY

“Recreational Intimacy comes through sharing a sport, hobby, or other activity,” Mason says. An African-dance class with your daughter, a raucous night of bid whist with your college pals, even working on the family tree with Dad can be forms of shared closeness. When Californian Celeste Alleyne Turner, 41, started in-line skating along the scenic 14-mile Venice-to-Malibu boardwalk, her new pastime allowed her to strike up a friendship with Jenny Ishihara. “Jenny is someone I trust,” she says. “We share everything—from intimate details about our relationship to family issues and career strategies. At times we’ll simply point out the beauty we’re experiencing.”

To make the connection: Make a list of five activities you enjoy or might like to try. For each, list two people who might also have fun doing it, then call and make a date. Be sure to include your spouse or partner on your list—and be flexible. If he’s not into antiquing, join him at the auto show.



SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

“Spiritual Intimacy comes from sharing an experience that connects our spiritual center, our core, with another or others—though the actual experience may occur when we’re alone,” says Mason. It is a feeling of oneness that may or may not be experienced in a religious context. Anne Guenther, a naturalist from New Paltz, New York, was walking through the woods late in her pregnancy. She noticed movements in the bushes and then spotted a doe that was very close to giving birth. They both stopped and stood perfectly silent. “Our eyes met and I was consumed by total awareness of our oneness with the universal creative power,” Guenther remembers. “Everything else fell away, and I felt my breathing and that doe and the circle of life.”

To make the connection: Find a tranquil place where you can spend a few moments each day in solitude. Focus on your breathing and practice being aware and present in the moment. To develop a spiritual union with others, share your prayer or meditation experiences and other spiritual insights.



INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY

Sharing ideas and intimate thoughts creates intellectual intimacy, says Mason. Wendy Petties, 32, of New York City has such a bond with a man who has become one of her closest friends. “We’re strictly platonic,” she says. “We just click as mental equals. He’s the person I call or E-mail if I need a sounding board or just another point of view. We debate, we explore, we fight with our hearts and souls, but always with respect. Never before have had I felt so at ease about speaking my mind.”

To make the connection: Ask someone’s opinion or advice on a matter that’s of importance to you—and then listen to what they have to say with your full attention. To relate to your partner or someone else that he or she may be an expert in different areas from yours –grassroots politics, hip-hop as a social commentary or sports physiology, for example. Remember, there are many kinds of intelligence.





EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

“There will generally only be a small circle of people with whom we’re emotionally intimate,” Mason says. “These are the people with whom we’re completely open and vulnerable. If you want emotional intimacy, let your humanness show. We need to get beyond ‘everything’s fine’.” Benita Horn of Seattle is glad she did. A month before a long-anticipated trip to Kenya with six other African-American women, her marriage dissolved. Devastated, she considered with-drawing from the trip, but the organizer suggested that “a month from now, being with a group of women may be the best place to be.” She was right, Horn says. “During our travels, our group bonded in a way I had never before experienced,” she recalls. “The emotional and spiritual support helped heal me and return me to my sense of well-being.”

To make the connection: Reveal something personal about yourself—something that makes you feel vulnerable—to someone you trust and would like to be closer to. Share your triumphs as well as your woes. Tell your brother, your girlfriend, and your sweetie how much they mean to you.



AESTHETIC INTIMACY

Beauty is the bond we share when we’re aesthetically intimate. “Being creative together or sharing an appreciation of art, film, music or nature is a special kind of closeness,” says Jewel Diamond Taylor. She recalls one such experience: “I was driving home with my five closest friends, and we pulled off along a quiet, deserted stretch of beach. The sun was sinking into the horizon, and we found this long driftwood log and just sat and watched the gorgeous colors. All of a sudden we saw it—the first star in the darkening sky, ‘the Evening Star’ We all blurted out at once. It was just like the movie. You see, we’d all seen The Evening Star, that movie with Jack Nicholson and Shirley MacLaine, and it’s a favorite of ours. There’s a scene where they’re sitting side by side on a log, on a deserted beach, sharing the sunset and a very special closeness. And we realized—no one had to say anything—that we were being blessed with this too. It was one of those rare moments. No one else would have gotten it.

To make the connection:



SOCIAL INTIMACY

Social intimacy comes from group togetherness. Protest rallies, book clubs, work-task groups and 12-step meetings can all be opportunities for closeness, Mason says. “I don’t know what I’d do without my sister circle,” says Wendy Petties of New York. “It includes my sister, our mutual friends and assorted relatives and loved ones—25 of us, ranging in age from 22-60.” They meet often, but have special gatherings on the first Sunday in January, when they take turns sharing their proudest achievements of the past year and their dreams for the coming year. And when someone needs something,” Petties says, “we band together and make it happen. I’ll never forget a day two winters ago. I was scheduled to have surgery in a week, for ovarian cancer. It was freezing out. That day my popes burst and my house was flooded. My mom and sister called everyone, and 19 of them showed up, grabbled boxes and moved me to my sister’s place. I never would have survived without their love, prayers, and support.

To make the connection: Call five people who matter to you and invite them over to play cards, share a meal or give one another facials. Volunteer at a senior center or food pantry, or join a club that puts you in regular contact with a group of people you enjoy.





PHYSICAL INTIMACY

“People can experience closeness through working together,” says Mason. This reminded me of a couple I know who had some of their best talks while laying tile in their new home. You might say their special bond is epoxy. Motivational Speaker Taylor sees this as an ideal way to link up with the men in your life, since guys are task-oriented. “As my two sons were growing up, I learned that sitting them down and asking ‘What’s going on with you?’ was not always the way to connect with them,” she says

To make the connection: Tell your teen “You wash, I’ll dry.” Pick a home-improvement project you can work on with your partner. Start a crafts circle with your girlfriends or church group. As spring rolls around, check into volunteer activities such as a local park cleanup or community-garden project.





SEXUAL INTIMACY

“I can think of only one relationship where I truly experienced lovemaking, not just sex,” says Lisa Richardson (this name has been changed), 28, of New York City. Too many of us fail to realize there’s a difference. True sexual intimacy doesn’t exist without an emotional, affectional, and spiritual bond. Sharing your body with a partner who appreciates you on many other levels is what makes sexual intimacy possible, says Taylor. “You need to be open and vulnerable,” she adds. “You need to be comfortable with the lights on or off. You need to be vocal—to say where you do and don’t want to be touched.” In her workshops, Taylor has encountered many sisters who find sexual intimacy elusive, especially those who have survived sexual abuse. But she has observed that forming other types of tight-knit relationships during a period of celibacy has helped many to heal. “Making intimate connections, finding a safe and accepting place to tell you story, is very freeing.” She says, “Silence kills closeness. Intimacy is all about honesty.”

To make the connection: Lear to love and appreciate your own body: Make workouts a priority. Schedule a massage. Lear to talk with your partner about sex—your likes and dislikes, fantasies, experiences—outside the bedroom when the sexual pressure is off. During lovemaking enjoy exploring your bodies together, talking time to learn which touches are most pleasing to each of you. You’ll find sex takes on wonderful new dimensions.