When it comes to dating and relationships I learned today (again) that age does not equal wisdom on how to navigate the murky waters.
While I wouldn't characterize the person I spoke with this morning as a cougar, she is treading on thin ice with a relationship that could make her be perceived as one.
Needless to say she was astonished when I told her there was no way that I would date someone old enough to be my father or that I'd do the reverse either. I tried to sugarcoat it by saying I've always prayed for direction and God hasn't led me to date a man my father's age when the opportunities arose in the past.
Not surprisingly, because she's happy with her situation I'm pretty sure based on her pratically school-girl manner of describing the guy (who is my age!!!) and his flirting techniques, she is not going to end their relationship-her word not mine- any time soon.
*sigh* all the good ones are married, gay or with an older woman it seems...
Wednesday
Tuesday
Old Dog, same tricks
This weeekend an old friend -who may have received some entryspace last July when he deserted me as my wedding escort- came to town. I agreed to show him around because he offered me a ticket to the NCAA regional basketball game, and second because his original plan for Saturday was to drive 6 hours to view the Alamo in San Antonio. Now the nice person inside of me saw what a complete let-down and wasre od time that would have been for him so I picked him up and showed him the sights as well as took him to my favorite restaurant.
We managed through the weekend without incident but with me noticing more than ever how annoyingly clueless he was about everything. This includes the fact that every time he hugged me I turned to the side or was a little squeamish or awkward after he gave me a kiss on the cheek to not knowing the crossstreets for his hotel or where he parked at the Reliant Center.
As an official observer of life I've just determined he is content with letting life happen to him and not being proactive. I'd have to say its one of my biggest pet peeves and I definitely do not plan on letting him have any part of my future at all.
We managed through the weekend without incident but with me noticing more than ever how annoyingly clueless he was about everything. This includes the fact that every time he hugged me I turned to the side or was a little squeamish or awkward after he gave me a kiss on the cheek to not knowing the crossstreets for his hotel or where he parked at the Reliant Center.
As an official observer of life I've just determined he is content with letting life happen to him and not being proactive. I'd have to say its one of my biggest pet peeves and I definitely do not plan on letting him have any part of my future at all.
April dating goal
If things go according to plan I just may fulfill my April dating goal on April 1. I'm hoping this isn't an April Fool's joke either!!! The guy is a fellow Urban Leaguer whom I met two months ago. Friday we both left at the same time and he escorted me to Macy's -it was closed-- and then to my car. I think like most guys his curiosity is peaked by my seeming normalness but still single disposition nonetheless.
There are two minor red flags that I see at the moment-his less-than-consistent attendance at church and his tendency to bring up his ranch (as in place with animals...) in almost every conversation. I kid you not its so bad I almost want to ask him if he has a ranch to see his reaction.
But on the bright side if I get this out of the way I have 29 more days to line up my next date for May...
There are two minor red flags that I see at the moment-his less-than-consistent attendance at church and his tendency to bring up his ranch (as in place with animals...) in almost every conversation. I kid you not its so bad I almost want to ask him if he has a ranch to see his reaction.
But on the bright side if I get this out of the way I have 29 more days to line up my next date for May...
Boywatch
Today my part-time job has placed me right smack dab in the middle of college life by sitting a student center. As a result, I've been able to divert my attention to all the college co-eds mostly the men however since looking at the females makes me frown as my eyes try to overlook their chosen outfits.
I spotted one fine specimen this morning and in response to recent reader requests I attempted to snap a picture of him. I could only get a side profile with my camera phine and my next attempt was foiled by Valentine's presence.
As I attempted to snap the picture the student noticed that I was eyeing him and began to stare back. Valentine thankfully was oblivious to everything that was occuring except that I had a huge grin on my face but I refused to let him in on the inside joke. Let's hope cutiepie doesn't return anymore today or next Tuesday or else I will have some explaining to do.
I spotted one fine specimen this morning and in response to recent reader requests I attempted to snap a picture of him. I could only get a side profile with my camera phine and my next attempt was foiled by Valentine's presence.
As I attempted to snap the picture the student noticed that I was eyeing him and began to stare back. Valentine thankfully was oblivious to everything that was occuring except that I had a huge grin on my face but I refused to let him in on the inside joke. Let's hope cutiepie doesn't return anymore today or next Tuesday or else I will have some explaining to do.
Wednesday
A word from the Lord???
Yesterday I did some self-reflecting and realized I brought misery on myself for trying to read more into my relationship with Valentine. Despite what other people thought and said, I was the only witness to our one-on-one conversations-especially those about other women coming on to him and how he wasn't interested in being anything other than their friends.
Recently I've prayed for God to show me whether or not this was indeed the person for me and I've learned and seen some interesting things about Valentine that lowers the pedestal I'd originally (and somewhat knowingly) placed him on.
Despite this, I am still interested in being his friend so I remembered the advice of my pharmaceutical friend who said that every relationship needs nuturing or else it will die. So while I was tired last night when he called, I took the time to talk to him and encourage him because yet another woman came on to him and her conclusions and accusations about him were absolutely outlandish!!
And this morning as I waited in my car to enter work, I was reflecting on what his intentions were really-would he ever get back to calling me more than once a day-when my phone rang and it was him.
Whether that was a word or hint from God I'm not sure but I've come back to the realization that being his friend at this moment in time is just fine.
Recently I've prayed for God to show me whether or not this was indeed the person for me and I've learned and seen some interesting things about Valentine that lowers the pedestal I'd originally (and somewhat knowingly) placed him on.
Despite this, I am still interested in being his friend so I remembered the advice of my pharmaceutical friend who said that every relationship needs nuturing or else it will die. So while I was tired last night when he called, I took the time to talk to him and encourage him because yet another woman came on to him and her conclusions and accusations about him were absolutely outlandish!!
And this morning as I waited in my car to enter work, I was reflecting on what his intentions were really-would he ever get back to calling me more than once a day-when my phone rang and it was him.
Whether that was a word or hint from God I'm not sure but I've come back to the realization that being his friend at this moment in time is just fine.
Sunday
Church Disclaimer
In lieu of recent events I feel the need to inform the public of the following disclaimer: I go to church to serve God.
This comes after being blamed or labeled as a golddigger by a guy who attempted to date me at church while I was merely being friendly and one of the reasons he left our congregation.
Also, my new part-time job invloves working at a church 7 days a week and I've been asked several non-essential questions by older, unattractive gentleman who smell fresh meat at the market, NO THANK YOU!!
Please, please let me worship, work and serve God in His temple without being harassed.
Thank you!
This comes after being blamed or labeled as a golddigger by a guy who attempted to date me at church while I was merely being friendly and one of the reasons he left our congregation.
Also, my new part-time job invloves working at a church 7 days a week and I've been asked several non-essential questions by older, unattractive gentleman who smell fresh meat at the market, NO THANK YOU!!
Please, please let me worship, work and serve God in His temple without being harassed.
Thank you!
Spontaneity works
Friday night I was driving home when I happened to pass by Valentine's job and saw he was closing up. I parked the car and waited on him to lock the door.
As he approached his car he realized just who was parked next to him and a smile spread across his face. I got out of my car and he gave me the best hug I've had in a while.
It was a tight squeeze and full-facing and absolutely nothing was improper about it, it was just spontaneous and I could feel the great bond between us in it!
After we separated, I invited him over to my house to feed him and while he ate, I prepped for my next day and traded flirty text messages with March date. When I did sit down, we watched television and browsed through a Bible catalog- I kid you not.
So it wasn't until I was getting ready for bed that I realized how great that hug was and I sent him a text to say so. He didn't respond- I'm sure he was on the phone or it died, but I'm a firm believer that sometimes you just need to tell someone what actions mean the most.
And yesterday when I hugged March date, I reflected to the previous night's hug and suffice it to say Saturday's hug didn't win.
As he approached his car he realized just who was parked next to him and a smile spread across his face. I got out of my car and he gave me the best hug I've had in a while.
It was a tight squeeze and full-facing and absolutely nothing was improper about it, it was just spontaneous and I could feel the great bond between us in it!
After we separated, I invited him over to my house to feed him and while he ate, I prepped for my next day and traded flirty text messages with March date. When I did sit down, we watched television and browsed through a Bible catalog- I kid you not.
So it wasn't until I was getting ready for bed that I realized how great that hug was and I sent him a text to say so. He didn't respond- I'm sure he was on the phone or it died, but I'm a firm believer that sometimes you just need to tell someone what actions mean the most.
And yesterday when I hugged March date, I reflected to the previous night's hug and suffice it to say Saturday's hug didn't win.
30 Rock on topic
Oddly enough I watched my DVR recording of Thursday's episode of 30 Rock and the topic was about settling. Eventually (spoiler alert) Liz decides not to settle and marry a guy with whom she only has a few things in common and drastically strong objections on several things.
It was funny to me because I had the conversation with my date about settling or compromising on the things that we disagreed on. What I just realized as I typed is that I'd rather be alone and available for when the right man comes along than to settle and wait that much longer to be with him since I'm in a relationship with someone else.
It already feels like I've been waiting forever and as much as I'd like to help speed up the process I truly believe the only way I can do that is to wait.
It was funny to me because I had the conversation with my date about settling or compromising on the things that we disagreed on. What I just realized as I typed is that I'd rather be alone and available for when the right man comes along than to settle and wait that much longer to be with him since I'm in a relationship with someone else.
It already feels like I've been waiting forever and as much as I'd like to help speed up the process I truly believe the only way I can do that is to wait.
March Dating Goal Attained
The other day during a few day period of restlessness I decided I wanted to increase my options by going on a date at least once a month.
The sad part about this goal is that I actually thought it might be too difficult given my tendency to only frequent church, the gym, and now my new part-time job. Nevertheless, I said that was my intent and I went on with my life.
Imagine my surprise yesterday that I have already filled my March goal.
The date was at a Chinese Buffet (too bad for him I don't take advantages of a buffet like I used too...) but before we did that we spent the previous hours web chatting until we were both hungry for dinner.
Now unfortunately we discovered we will not be continuning our dating (much to my dismay) because he and I aren't equally yoked in regards to our approach to careers, language, and "recreational" medicine... Of course for him he only felt the last problem was the biggest issue but at the end of the night I heard my spirit tell me to "run." As cute, funny, charming (he convinced me to two-step with him in front of my family the night before)and chivalorous as he is, I don't see myself benefitting from the relationship in growing in Christ. And this statement comes with his wish to attend church with me at his and my services. I really see myself just entering into a den of temptation with him that I would eventually succumb to...
The only thing that makes it weird is that he is a friend of my cousin with whom I will be working very closely over the next few months.
I didn't want to seem rude but when I was up until 230 am putting the finishing touches on a presentation for the next day, I was extremely disgusted that I wasted five hours of my day and one hour of sleep the night before on him. But then I realized I fulfilled my dating goal and it softened the blow.
*sigh* Back to the pool I go..
The sad part about this goal is that I actually thought it might be too difficult given my tendency to only frequent church, the gym, and now my new part-time job. Nevertheless, I said that was my intent and I went on with my life.
Imagine my surprise yesterday that I have already filled my March goal.
The date was at a Chinese Buffet (too bad for him I don't take advantages of a buffet like I used too...) but before we did that we spent the previous hours web chatting until we were both hungry for dinner.
Now unfortunately we discovered we will not be continuning our dating (much to my dismay) because he and I aren't equally yoked in regards to our approach to careers, language, and "recreational" medicine... Of course for him he only felt the last problem was the biggest issue but at the end of the night I heard my spirit tell me to "run." As cute, funny, charming (he convinced me to two-step with him in front of my family the night before)and chivalorous as he is, I don't see myself benefitting from the relationship in growing in Christ. And this statement comes with his wish to attend church with me at his and my services. I really see myself just entering into a den of temptation with him that I would eventually succumb to...
The only thing that makes it weird is that he is a friend of my cousin with whom I will be working very closely over the next few months.
I didn't want to seem rude but when I was up until 230 am putting the finishing touches on a presentation for the next day, I was extremely disgusted that I wasted five hours of my day and one hour of sleep the night before on him. But then I realized I fulfilled my dating goal and it softened the blow.
*sigh* Back to the pool I go..
Perfect Stocking Stuffer
Do you have a guy in your life that is completely clueless or in denial avout his faults that are keeping him from having a successful love life? I read about a book that helps guys zero in on those things that just might help him out.
The name of the book is long so essentially it is called: "Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do..."
The book includes:
Red flags- innoncent mistakes
Storm clouds- more serious offenses that indicate potentially great problems
Not Getting Any- major issues that stop potiential in its tracks
Kiss of Death- exactly what it says
Some offenses that stuck out to me were:
Murse- man purse
Guylights- guy with highlights
Mandals- sandals worn with socks
The author says the purpose of the book is to help men adjust habits for better chances before its too late.
She also states that the biggest turn-on for a woman is a man with confidence- I AGREE! This is called "swag" but today's generation.
The name of the book is long so essentially it is called: "Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do..."
The book includes:
Red flags- innoncent mistakes
Storm clouds- more serious offenses that indicate potentially great problems
Not Getting Any- major issues that stop potiential in its tracks
Kiss of Death- exactly what it says
Some offenses that stuck out to me were:
Murse- man purse
Guylights- guy with highlights
Mandals- sandals worn with socks
The author says the purpose of the book is to help men adjust habits for better chances before its too late.
She also states that the biggest turn-on for a woman is a man with confidence- I AGREE! This is called "swag" but today's generation.
Thursday
Small step for me
On Wednesday my ex (whether he knows it or not) sent me a text asking if I could take him to the airport. Now before I even remembered what a disaster the last time turned out to be, I immediately declined because of how inconvenient it would be for me.
Somehow he always forgets that I have church EVERY Wednesday night and acts surprised when I say I'm not available until after 830 and usually tired so let's pick another night... Not to mention that this day I usually watch two three-year-olds who have their own agendas much different from the one I plan for them between the hours of 8 am -5 pm.
I think he was shocked to actually have me say no to him but I did so with the explanation of my tight schedule that is already laid out for me.
Let's not mention that he lives at least 40 minutes away, another 50 from the airport which is 20 minutes from my church. And I would have to do all this driving during rush hour with no promise of gas money?? I THINK NOT!!!
Sorry buddy, its taken me a while but I finally realize my worth whether you do or not and frankly, the only person who deserves that in our relationship is me not you. In fact, I suggest you ask your sister or the father or your godson to do this since you cancelled our last set of plans to help both of them. They owe you- I don't.
Somehow he always forgets that I have church EVERY Wednesday night and acts surprised when I say I'm not available until after 830 and usually tired so let's pick another night... Not to mention that this day I usually watch two three-year-olds who have their own agendas much different from the one I plan for them between the hours of 8 am -5 pm.
I think he was shocked to actually have me say no to him but I did so with the explanation of my tight schedule that is already laid out for me.
Let's not mention that he lives at least 40 minutes away, another 50 from the airport which is 20 minutes from my church. And I would have to do all this driving during rush hour with no promise of gas money?? I THINK NOT!!!
Sorry buddy, its taken me a while but I finally realize my worth whether you do or not and frankly, the only person who deserves that in our relationship is me not you. In fact, I suggest you ask your sister or the father or your godson to do this since you cancelled our last set of plans to help both of them. They owe you- I don't.
Small step for me
On Wednesday my ex (whether he knows it or not) sent me a text asking if I could take him to the airport. Now before I even remembered what a disaster the last time turned out to be, I immediately declined because of how inconvenient it would be for me.
Somehow he always forgets that I have church EVERY Wednesday night and acts surprised when I say I'm not available until after 830 and usually tired so let's pick another night... Not to mention that this day I usually watch two three-year-olds who have their own agendas much different from the one I plan for them between the hours of 8 am -5 pm.
I think he was shocked to actually have me say no to him but I did so with the explanation of my tight schedule that is already laid out for me.
Let's not mention that he lives at least 40 minutes away, another 50 from the airport which is 20 minutes from my church. And I would have to do all this driving during rush hour with no promise of gas money?? I THINK NOT!!!
Sorry buddy, its taken me a while but I finally realize my worth whether you do or not and frankly, the only person who deserves that in our relationship is me not you. In fact, I suggest you ask your sister or the father or your godson to do this since you cancelled our last set of plans to help both of them. They owe you- I don't.
Somehow he always forgets that I have church EVERY Wednesday night and acts surprised when I say I'm not available until after 830 and usually tired so let's pick another night... Not to mention that this day I usually watch two three-year-olds who have their own agendas much different from the one I plan for them between the hours of 8 am -5 pm.
I think he was shocked to actually have me say no to him but I did so with the explanation of my tight schedule that is already laid out for me.
Let's not mention that he lives at least 40 minutes away, another 50 from the airport which is 20 minutes from my church. And I would have to do all this driving during rush hour with no promise of gas money?? I THINK NOT!!!
Sorry buddy, its taken me a while but I finally realize my worth whether you do or not and frankly, the only person who deserves that in our relationship is me not you. In fact, I suggest you ask your sister or the father or your godson to do this since you cancelled our last set of plans to help both of them. They owe you- I don't.
Fashion consultant
I've become Valentine's official fashion consultant. Never mind that he has a sister who's won a beauty pageant, its me he calls to approve or improve his wardrobe choices.
From shirts to shoes I've helped him pick out his newest selections for work and church. The cool thing is that he values my opinion. The not-so-great thing is that I'm so good that other women flock to compliment him, including his ex-girlfriend...
Today we discussed his look for church this Sunday. An outfit that I was originally supposed to see but given the recent actions of the ex- I may not see...*sigh* that Marriable book was right being friends is pointless-someone always falls for the other one. I wish I was the oblivious one this time around.
From shirts to shoes I've helped him pick out his newest selections for work and church. The cool thing is that he values my opinion. The not-so-great thing is that I'm so good that other women flock to compliment him, including his ex-girlfriend...
Today we discussed his look for church this Sunday. An outfit that I was originally supposed to see but given the recent actions of the ex- I may not see...*sigh* that Marriable book was right being friends is pointless-someone always falls for the other one. I wish I was the oblivious one this time around.
A Prayer Answer
Usually I don't pray for things that are trivial but I have to admit tonight I actually prayed for a phone call from Valentine...multiple times.
Thankfully God answered that prayer and I now have the biggest smile on my face.
It's been weird this week not talking to him very night. I actually thought I'd been bumped from the conversation rotation and sent him a text saying so and (spitefully I will admit) joking that I would have to start talking to the new guy I met at the gym from here on out.
Of course I got a call as soon as he read the text and he began to question me about the guy who is of no consequence only to hold it over his head in times like these.
Nevertheless I was promised a call back as soon as he settles in and finishes dinner and I think my mind can finally rest at ease.
If it helps (my conscience at least) I did have an honest talk with God about my feelings at this point and asking for clarity. I think sometimes our human brains work faster than God wants us to and that causes us a lot of trouble. Let go, Let God-my 2010 motto that I still haven't mastered apparently.
Happy phone convos this weekend!
Thankfully God answered that prayer and I now have the biggest smile on my face.
It's been weird this week not talking to him very night. I actually thought I'd been bumped from the conversation rotation and sent him a text saying so and (spitefully I will admit) joking that I would have to start talking to the new guy I met at the gym from here on out.
Of course I got a call as soon as he read the text and he began to question me about the guy who is of no consequence only to hold it over his head in times like these.
Nevertheless I was promised a call back as soon as he settles in and finishes dinner and I think my mind can finally rest at ease.
If it helps (my conscience at least) I did have an honest talk with God about my feelings at this point and asking for clarity. I think sometimes our human brains work faster than God wants us to and that causes us a lot of trouble. Let go, Let God-my 2010 motto that I still haven't mastered apparently.
Happy phone convos this weekend!
Wednesday
Intimacy Article
As life would have it, someone shared this article about intimacy with me today. Totally explains what I experience with Valentine on the recreational, emotional and spiritual levels. Pretty cool:
AFFECTIONAL INTIMACY
“Affectional Intimacy usually comes from the sharing of affection through ugging, holding, a hand or a touch on the shoulder,” says Mason. But even a glance can be “touching”. Editor and author Asha Bandele remmebers such a moment. One day, as she lay reading next to her then two-month old baby, she felt a tiny tug on her sweater. “I looked down at Nisa’s little face and she fust fixed her eyes on me this purposeful, aware sort of way,” says Bandele. “Then she reached up and held my face in her hands. She was still staring straight at me, and her face lit up into this big smile. With that simple act of touch I felt truly, deeply loved by her. As a new mother, you know you’re needed But you don’t know for a long time that you’re loved.”
To make the connection: Reach out and touch someone. Treat your honey to a foot massage or give Mom a manicure. Touch is a bond you can share with anyone. Know that some types of touching may be uncomfortable for people who have been abused or who aren’t from physically expressive families, so make sure you have their permission before you reach out.
RECREATIONAL INTIMACY
“Recreational Intimacy comes through sharing a sport, hobby, or other activity,” Mason says. An African-dance class with your daughter, a raucous night of bid whist with your college pals, even working on the family tree with Dad can be forms of shared closeness. When Californian Celeste Alleyne Turner, 41, started in-line skating along the scenic 14-mile Venice-to-Malibu boardwalk, her new pastime allowed her to strike up a friendship with Jenny Ishihara. “Jenny is someone I trust,” she says. “We share everything—from intimate details about our relationship to family issues and career strategies. At times we’ll simply point out the beauty we’re experiencing.”
To make the connection: Make a list of five activities you enjoy or might like to try. For each, list two people who might also have fun doing it, then call and make a date. Be sure to include your spouse or partner on your list—and be flexible. If he’s not into antiquing, join him at the auto show.
SPIRITUAL INTIMACY
“Spiritual Intimacy comes from sharing an experience that connects our spiritual center, our core, with another or others—though the actual experience may occur when we’re alone,” says Mason. It is a feeling of oneness that may or may not be experienced in a religious context. Anne Guenther, a naturalist from New Paltz, New York, was walking through the woods late in her pregnancy. She noticed movements in the bushes and then spotted a doe that was very close to giving birth. They both stopped and stood perfectly silent. “Our eyes met and I was consumed by total awareness of our oneness with the universal creative power,” Guenther remembers. “Everything else fell away, and I felt my breathing and that doe and the circle of life.”
To make the connection: Find a tranquil place where you can spend a few moments each day in solitude. Focus on your breathing and practice being aware and present in the moment. To develop a spiritual union with others, share your prayer or meditation experiences and other spiritual insights.
INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY
Sharing ideas and intimate thoughts creates intellectual intimacy, says Mason. Wendy Petties, 32, of New York City has such a bond with a man who has become one of her closest friends. “We’re strictly platonic,” she says. “We just click as mental equals. He’s the person I call or E-mail if I need a sounding board or just another point of view. We debate, we explore, we fight with our hearts and souls, but always with respect. Never before have had I felt so at ease about speaking my mind.”
To make the connection: Ask someone’s opinion or advice on a matter that’s of importance to you—and then listen to what they have to say with your full attention. To relate to your partner or someone else that he or she may be an expert in different areas from yours –grassroots politics, hip-hop as a social commentary or sports physiology, for example. Remember, there are many kinds of intelligence.
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
“There will generally only be a small circle of people with whom we’re emotionally intimate,” Mason says. “These are the people with whom we’re completely open and vulnerable. If you want emotional intimacy, let your humanness show. We need to get beyond ‘everything’s fine’.” Benita Horn of Seattle is glad she did. A month before a long-anticipated trip to Kenya with six other African-American women, her marriage dissolved. Devastated, she considered with-drawing from the trip, but the organizer suggested that “a month from now, being with a group of women may be the best place to be.” She was right, Horn says. “During our travels, our group bonded in a way I had never before experienced,” she recalls. “The emotional and spiritual support helped heal me and return me to my sense of well-being.”
To make the connection: Reveal something personal about yourself—something that makes you feel vulnerable—to someone you trust and would like to be closer to. Share your triumphs as well as your woes. Tell your brother, your girlfriend, and your sweetie how much they mean to you.
AESTHETIC INTIMACY
Beauty is the bond we share when we’re aesthetically intimate. “Being creative together or sharing an appreciation of art, film, music or nature is a special kind of closeness,” says Jewel Diamond Taylor. She recalls one such experience: “I was driving home with my five closest friends, and we pulled off along a quiet, deserted stretch of beach. The sun was sinking into the horizon, and we found this long driftwood log and just sat and watched the gorgeous colors. All of a sudden we saw it—the first star in the darkening sky, ‘the Evening Star’ We all blurted out at once. It was just like the movie. You see, we’d all seen The Evening Star, that movie with Jack Nicholson and Shirley MacLaine, and it’s a favorite of ours. There’s a scene where they’re sitting side by side on a log, on a deserted beach, sharing the sunset and a very special closeness. And we realized—no one had to say anything—that we were being blessed with this too. It was one of those rare moments. No one else would have gotten it.
To make the connection:
SOCIAL INTIMACY
Social intimacy comes from group togetherness. Protest rallies, book clubs, work-task groups and 12-step meetings can all be opportunities for closeness, Mason says. “I don’t know what I’d do without my sister circle,” says Wendy Petties of New York. “It includes my sister, our mutual friends and assorted relatives and loved ones—25 of us, ranging in age from 22-60.” They meet often, but have special gatherings on the first Sunday in January, when they take turns sharing their proudest achievements of the past year and their dreams for the coming year. And when someone needs something,” Petties says, “we band together and make it happen. I’ll never forget a day two winters ago. I was scheduled to have surgery in a week, for ovarian cancer. It was freezing out. That day my popes burst and my house was flooded. My mom and sister called everyone, and 19 of them showed up, grabbled boxes and moved me to my sister’s place. I never would have survived without their love, prayers, and support.
To make the connection: Call five people who matter to you and invite them over to play cards, share a meal or give one another facials. Volunteer at a senior center or food pantry, or join a club that puts you in regular contact with a group of people you enjoy.
PHYSICAL INTIMACY
“People can experience closeness through working together,” says Mason. This reminded me of a couple I know who had some of their best talks while laying tile in their new home. You might say their special bond is epoxy. Motivational Speaker Taylor sees this as an ideal way to link up with the men in your life, since guys are task-oriented. “As my two sons were growing up, I learned that sitting them down and asking ‘What’s going on with you?’ was not always the way to connect with them,” she says
To make the connection: Tell your teen “You wash, I’ll dry.” Pick a home-improvement project you can work on with your partner. Start a crafts circle with your girlfriends or church group. As spring rolls around, check into volunteer activities such as a local park cleanup or community-garden project.
SEXUAL INTIMACY
“I can think of only one relationship where I truly experienced lovemaking, not just sex,” says Lisa Richardson (this name has been changed), 28, of New York City. Too many of us fail to realize there’s a difference. True sexual intimacy doesn’t exist without an emotional, affectional, and spiritual bond. Sharing your body with a partner who appreciates you on many other levels is what makes sexual intimacy possible, says Taylor. “You need to be open and vulnerable,” she adds. “You need to be comfortable with the lights on or off. You need to be vocal—to say where you do and don’t want to be touched.” In her workshops, Taylor has encountered many sisters who find sexual intimacy elusive, especially those who have survived sexual abuse. But she has observed that forming other types of tight-knit relationships during a period of celibacy has helped many to heal. “Making intimate connections, finding a safe and accepting place to tell you story, is very freeing.” She says, “Silence kills closeness. Intimacy is all about honesty.”
To make the connection: Lear to love and appreciate your own body: Make workouts a priority. Schedule a massage. Lear to talk with your partner about sex—your likes and dislikes, fantasies, experiences—outside the bedroom when the sexual pressure is off. During lovemaking enjoy exploring your bodies together, talking time to learn which touches are most pleasing to each of you. You’ll find sex takes on wonderful new dimensions.
AFFECTIONAL INTIMACY
“Affectional Intimacy usually comes from the sharing of affection through ugging, holding, a hand or a touch on the shoulder,” says Mason. But even a glance can be “touching”. Editor and author Asha Bandele remmebers such a moment. One day, as she lay reading next to her then two-month old baby, she felt a tiny tug on her sweater. “I looked down at Nisa’s little face and she fust fixed her eyes on me this purposeful, aware sort of way,” says Bandele. “Then she reached up and held my face in her hands. She was still staring straight at me, and her face lit up into this big smile. With that simple act of touch I felt truly, deeply loved by her. As a new mother, you know you’re needed But you don’t know for a long time that you’re loved.”
To make the connection: Reach out and touch someone. Treat your honey to a foot massage or give Mom a manicure. Touch is a bond you can share with anyone. Know that some types of touching may be uncomfortable for people who have been abused or who aren’t from physically expressive families, so make sure you have their permission before you reach out.
RECREATIONAL INTIMACY
“Recreational Intimacy comes through sharing a sport, hobby, or other activity,” Mason says. An African-dance class with your daughter, a raucous night of bid whist with your college pals, even working on the family tree with Dad can be forms of shared closeness. When Californian Celeste Alleyne Turner, 41, started in-line skating along the scenic 14-mile Venice-to-Malibu boardwalk, her new pastime allowed her to strike up a friendship with Jenny Ishihara. “Jenny is someone I trust,” she says. “We share everything—from intimate details about our relationship to family issues and career strategies. At times we’ll simply point out the beauty we’re experiencing.”
To make the connection: Make a list of five activities you enjoy or might like to try. For each, list two people who might also have fun doing it, then call and make a date. Be sure to include your spouse or partner on your list—and be flexible. If he’s not into antiquing, join him at the auto show.
SPIRITUAL INTIMACY
“Spiritual Intimacy comes from sharing an experience that connects our spiritual center, our core, with another or others—though the actual experience may occur when we’re alone,” says Mason. It is a feeling of oneness that may or may not be experienced in a religious context. Anne Guenther, a naturalist from New Paltz, New York, was walking through the woods late in her pregnancy. She noticed movements in the bushes and then spotted a doe that was very close to giving birth. They both stopped and stood perfectly silent. “Our eyes met and I was consumed by total awareness of our oneness with the universal creative power,” Guenther remembers. “Everything else fell away, and I felt my breathing and that doe and the circle of life.”
To make the connection: Find a tranquil place where you can spend a few moments each day in solitude. Focus on your breathing and practice being aware and present in the moment. To develop a spiritual union with others, share your prayer or meditation experiences and other spiritual insights.
INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY
Sharing ideas and intimate thoughts creates intellectual intimacy, says Mason. Wendy Petties, 32, of New York City has such a bond with a man who has become one of her closest friends. “We’re strictly platonic,” she says. “We just click as mental equals. He’s the person I call or E-mail if I need a sounding board or just another point of view. We debate, we explore, we fight with our hearts and souls, but always with respect. Never before have had I felt so at ease about speaking my mind.”
To make the connection: Ask someone’s opinion or advice on a matter that’s of importance to you—and then listen to what they have to say with your full attention. To relate to your partner or someone else that he or she may be an expert in different areas from yours –grassroots politics, hip-hop as a social commentary or sports physiology, for example. Remember, there are many kinds of intelligence.
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
“There will generally only be a small circle of people with whom we’re emotionally intimate,” Mason says. “These are the people with whom we’re completely open and vulnerable. If you want emotional intimacy, let your humanness show. We need to get beyond ‘everything’s fine’.” Benita Horn of Seattle is glad she did. A month before a long-anticipated trip to Kenya with six other African-American women, her marriage dissolved. Devastated, she considered with-drawing from the trip, but the organizer suggested that “a month from now, being with a group of women may be the best place to be.” She was right, Horn says. “During our travels, our group bonded in a way I had never before experienced,” she recalls. “The emotional and spiritual support helped heal me and return me to my sense of well-being.”
To make the connection: Reveal something personal about yourself—something that makes you feel vulnerable—to someone you trust and would like to be closer to. Share your triumphs as well as your woes. Tell your brother, your girlfriend, and your sweetie how much they mean to you.
AESTHETIC INTIMACY
Beauty is the bond we share when we’re aesthetically intimate. “Being creative together or sharing an appreciation of art, film, music or nature is a special kind of closeness,” says Jewel Diamond Taylor. She recalls one such experience: “I was driving home with my five closest friends, and we pulled off along a quiet, deserted stretch of beach. The sun was sinking into the horizon, and we found this long driftwood log and just sat and watched the gorgeous colors. All of a sudden we saw it—the first star in the darkening sky, ‘the Evening Star’ We all blurted out at once. It was just like the movie. You see, we’d all seen The Evening Star, that movie with Jack Nicholson and Shirley MacLaine, and it’s a favorite of ours. There’s a scene where they’re sitting side by side on a log, on a deserted beach, sharing the sunset and a very special closeness. And we realized—no one had to say anything—that we were being blessed with this too. It was one of those rare moments. No one else would have gotten it.
To make the connection:
SOCIAL INTIMACY
Social intimacy comes from group togetherness. Protest rallies, book clubs, work-task groups and 12-step meetings can all be opportunities for closeness, Mason says. “I don’t know what I’d do without my sister circle,” says Wendy Petties of New York. “It includes my sister, our mutual friends and assorted relatives and loved ones—25 of us, ranging in age from 22-60.” They meet often, but have special gatherings on the first Sunday in January, when they take turns sharing their proudest achievements of the past year and their dreams for the coming year. And when someone needs something,” Petties says, “we band together and make it happen. I’ll never forget a day two winters ago. I was scheduled to have surgery in a week, for ovarian cancer. It was freezing out. That day my popes burst and my house was flooded. My mom and sister called everyone, and 19 of them showed up, grabbled boxes and moved me to my sister’s place. I never would have survived without their love, prayers, and support.
To make the connection: Call five people who matter to you and invite them over to play cards, share a meal or give one another facials. Volunteer at a senior center or food pantry, or join a club that puts you in regular contact with a group of people you enjoy.
PHYSICAL INTIMACY
“People can experience closeness through working together,” says Mason. This reminded me of a couple I know who had some of their best talks while laying tile in their new home. You might say their special bond is epoxy. Motivational Speaker Taylor sees this as an ideal way to link up with the men in your life, since guys are task-oriented. “As my two sons were growing up, I learned that sitting them down and asking ‘What’s going on with you?’ was not always the way to connect with them,” she says
To make the connection: Tell your teen “You wash, I’ll dry.” Pick a home-improvement project you can work on with your partner. Start a crafts circle with your girlfriends or church group. As spring rolls around, check into volunteer activities such as a local park cleanup or community-garden project.
SEXUAL INTIMACY
“I can think of only one relationship where I truly experienced lovemaking, not just sex,” says Lisa Richardson (this name has been changed), 28, of New York City. Too many of us fail to realize there’s a difference. True sexual intimacy doesn’t exist without an emotional, affectional, and spiritual bond. Sharing your body with a partner who appreciates you on many other levels is what makes sexual intimacy possible, says Taylor. “You need to be open and vulnerable,” she adds. “You need to be comfortable with the lights on or off. You need to be vocal—to say where you do and don’t want to be touched.” In her workshops, Taylor has encountered many sisters who find sexual intimacy elusive, especially those who have survived sexual abuse. But she has observed that forming other types of tight-knit relationships during a period of celibacy has helped many to heal. “Making intimate connections, finding a safe and accepting place to tell you story, is very freeing.” She says, “Silence kills closeness. Intimacy is all about honesty.”
To make the connection: Lear to love and appreciate your own body: Make workouts a priority. Schedule a massage. Lear to talk with your partner about sex—your likes and dislikes, fantasies, experiences—outside the bedroom when the sexual pressure is off. During lovemaking enjoy exploring your bodies together, talking time to learn which touches are most pleasing to each of you. You’ll find sex takes on wonderful new dimensions.
Monday
Traditions
I used to think that only me and my ex-boyfriend could have a relationship with lots of inside jokes. BOY was I wrong.
Valentine and I have several inside jokes that only he and I get no matter how corny they are. I won't even share them because they are so dorky and really will only be funny if they stay between us.
But I have noticed how he and I have certain habits we've fallen into that can be, if continued over a long time, considered traditions.
My favorite (that I will share) is our fortune cookie tradition. He knows that I don't believe in horoscopes or fortunes, but since we eat at Chinese and Japanese (you know I must really like his friendship for me to eat at these places...) we get fortune cookies with our meal.
According to him, my first fortune was better than his so now he's turned it into a competition. Now whenever we get fortune cookies, one of us has to open first and then we decide who gets the better fortune.
On Thursday, we were forced to share the fortune, which was as universally generic as they come so we both voted it a thumbs down.
Regardless, it feels good to start new positive traditions with someone else no matter how insignificant they may seem to others.
Valentine and I have several inside jokes that only he and I get no matter how corny they are. I won't even share them because they are so dorky and really will only be funny if they stay between us.
But I have noticed how he and I have certain habits we've fallen into that can be, if continued over a long time, considered traditions.
My favorite (that I will share) is our fortune cookie tradition. He knows that I don't believe in horoscopes or fortunes, but since we eat at Chinese and Japanese (you know I must really like his friendship for me to eat at these places...) we get fortune cookies with our meal.
According to him, my first fortune was better than his so now he's turned it into a competition. Now whenever we get fortune cookies, one of us has to open first and then we decide who gets the better fortune.
On Thursday, we were forced to share the fortune, which was as universally generic as they come so we both voted it a thumbs down.
Regardless, it feels good to start new positive traditions with someone else no matter how insignificant they may seem to others.
You Wish
Since today was the first time we'd actually had a lengthy conversation, Valentine finally asked what I know was a burning question for him. And I had to laugh when he asked it.
As casual as he tried to phrase it, the question was hilarious: "So did anyone ask where your boyfriend was at church yesterday?"
Again: funny!
Especially since no one asked! Granted, I didn't talk to many people because I was busy pretty much the whole service and made a beeline for the car after so that I could go home to eat but even still, he wasn't introduced to enough people for anyone to ask.
BUT, I did try to soften the blow and tell him that I didn't get to introduce him to enough people because not everyone he met came to church yesterday. And I promised to introduce him to more people when he comes back, which he agreed he would.
He also made a point to tell me I made the video presentation of the coffee house I attended at his church. As he put it, "yeah, you were on there several times."
Whatever. I still can't get over the question and my answer. Definitely not what he was expecting, I don't think. Which makes me want to say, "why don't you just go ahead..."well, never mind. Patience!!
As casual as he tried to phrase it, the question was hilarious: "So did anyone ask where your boyfriend was at church yesterday?"
Again: funny!
Especially since no one asked! Granted, I didn't talk to many people because I was busy pretty much the whole service and made a beeline for the car after so that I could go home to eat but even still, he wasn't introduced to enough people for anyone to ask.
BUT, I did try to soften the blow and tell him that I didn't get to introduce him to enough people because not everyone he met came to church yesterday. And I promised to introduce him to more people when he comes back, which he agreed he would.
He also made a point to tell me I made the video presentation of the coffee house I attended at his church. As he put it, "yeah, you were on there several times."
Whatever. I still can't get over the question and my answer. Definitely not what he was expecting, I don't think. Which makes me want to say, "why don't you just go ahead..."well, never mind. Patience!!
Intimacy
Two years ago I had a good laugh with a co-worker over how much she hated the word intimacy. Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy" video had just been released and of course that word was mentioned in the opening.
I've never had a problem with the word but I have had a problem using it correctly.
I think now I know the true meaning. The reason being because I have intimacy with Valentine.
Whether it's something good or bad, I know I can share it with him and vice versa.
Also, anyone who can eat off my plate no problem, or that automatically knows when I'm going to scoop something off my plate has to have a level of understanding about me and my actions.
I think the true reason this can happen is because we are so open about our relationship with Christ. When we relate our frustrations or highs and encourage each other, there's a level or authenticity that doesn't come in everyday conversations about television or worldly things.
I cherish our talks and miss them when they don't occur, BUT I know there is one person greater with whom I have an even more intimate conversation and I can't ever forget to keep talking and nurturing that relationship.
I've never had a problem with the word but I have had a problem using it correctly.
I think now I know the true meaning. The reason being because I have intimacy with Valentine.
Whether it's something good or bad, I know I can share it with him and vice versa.
Also, anyone who can eat off my plate no problem, or that automatically knows when I'm going to scoop something off my plate has to have a level of understanding about me and my actions.
I think the true reason this can happen is because we are so open about our relationship with Christ. When we relate our frustrations or highs and encourage each other, there's a level or authenticity that doesn't come in everyday conversations about television or worldly things.
I cherish our talks and miss them when they don't occur, BUT I know there is one person greater with whom I have an even more intimate conversation and I can't ever forget to keep talking and nurturing that relationship.
Case of the Ex
Mya had a great song that pretty much sums up what I'm dealing with con Valentine at the moment. The song asks the man what is he going to do or how will he react when his ex-girlfriend begins to reveal that she still has feelings for him.
In my case, I'd already hinted to Valentine that this would happen and asked him how he would handle it. Naively, he shrugged off my questions but now the time has come for action.
The sad part is it is messing with my visit to his church. He and I attend church of different denominations so our worship experiences are totally different. He liked what he saw at my church last week and I really wanted to return the favor by attending his church, especially since the people I've met at different functions have asked him when I will visit.
It's just how I was raised. Someone does something for you, you do it back to show your appreciation.
So today my plans for this Sunday fell through and I told him I'd bump up my visit to his church by a week if that worked for him. Initially he was excited but then when he and I discussed everything that transpired between him and his ex-girlfriend over the last week he admitted he didn't think it was a good idea.
Now, I'll admit selfishly I wanted to attend on Sunday just to make a point. As I told him- I don't start anything so I have no reason not to come PLUS he invited me. But after we hung up, I decided that if he doesn't have a good feeling about it, I shouldn't intentionally walk into a situation that will knowingly cause drama for him. Especially since I do have these feelings for him deep down inside.
I sent him a text telling him that we should pray on it and decide what to do later this week so now I'm just waiting to hear from the Lord on what to do. Sigh, who thought going to church would cause so much drama??
In my case, I'd already hinted to Valentine that this would happen and asked him how he would handle it. Naively, he shrugged off my questions but now the time has come for action.
The sad part is it is messing with my visit to his church. He and I attend church of different denominations so our worship experiences are totally different. He liked what he saw at my church last week and I really wanted to return the favor by attending his church, especially since the people I've met at different functions have asked him when I will visit.
It's just how I was raised. Someone does something for you, you do it back to show your appreciation.
So today my plans for this Sunday fell through and I told him I'd bump up my visit to his church by a week if that worked for him. Initially he was excited but then when he and I discussed everything that transpired between him and his ex-girlfriend over the last week he admitted he didn't think it was a good idea.
Now, I'll admit selfishly I wanted to attend on Sunday just to make a point. As I told him- I don't start anything so I have no reason not to come PLUS he invited me. But after we hung up, I decided that if he doesn't have a good feeling about it, I shouldn't intentionally walk into a situation that will knowingly cause drama for him. Especially since I do have these feelings for him deep down inside.
I sent him a text telling him that we should pray on it and decide what to do later this week so now I'm just waiting to hear from the Lord on what to do. Sigh, who thought going to church would cause so much drama??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)