Pro and I are starting to move to that risky and slim space where we are more than friends but not yet the g and b words... It's exciting but more noticeably for me, exhausting.The reason being is that to get to this point, we both have to sacrifice time to talk. He does so in the afternoon/night when he could be hanging out at dinner with his friends on the trip and I do so when i should be asleep and getting rest for work.
But it's fun to sit and talk to him on face time and see his adorable smile. No matter what he says when he smiles I sadly melt and forgive all. I'm enjoying the time we have together. I'm doing things I've never done before. Some of them are comfortable, some not but at the same time, I'm requiring him to get out of his comfort zone as well.
Part of it stems from the Fifty Shades books which he told me if I read them, he'd tell me more about him. I'm not sure that I've gotten to his core but little by little I'm learning more about what makes him, him. And I'm comforted by the way he approaches his finances- making sure to pay his bills before leaving but also being frugal about his lifestyle when he's away. I can relate to that and it makes me feel better about my discomfort over the lifestyle that Miami-bred guy I used to date wanted to live.
I want to see what else develops without my nagging or putting pressure to make us be something we're not. He asks me quite often what the next step is for me and I don't have a good answer for him. I want to know the reason behind his questioning but I don't ask. Maybe if he asks again, I will. My goal is to be less pre-meditated with him and go with the flow as much as possible. I like how he gets me to try to new things and I shared it with him. My one hope moving forward is that he tells me more about how he feels about me. I suspect there's something to his silence on the subject that comes from his past, but I will wait patiently to find out.
Sunday
Matching
A few months ago to encourage my friend to get "on the wagon" for dating, I half-heartedly signed up for an online dating site. I decided I wanted to just see what was out there. I found next to nothing. :-)
Which was comforting because I knew I would do better enjoying my life not sitting behind a computer trying to find love. At this moment I have no complaints.
Now that I'm in a new city I decided to change my location to once again see what I was facing. I've been less than enthralled with the people they've sent my way and as a result, I usually ignore the e-mails when they come through.
Today was the exception. One of my matches looked interesting so I decided to click on the profile and read more. I was happy I did. More than anything he talked about his faith and commitment to God and while it could all be false, I was intrigued. I decided to take a chance to message him (it required posting a picture which I will certainly take down after one week if he doesn't respond...) and see if he could recommend a church for me since I'm new to the city. I don't believe women should approach men and that will probably always remain my philosophy so I would love to have a friend who can help me find a place to worship.
I recognize a part of who I am in any relationship depends on my relationship with God so I need to have that on track before I do anything. I don't want to go through the motions with God. I want to have a loving and active relationship so that I can recognize all the information he gives me about the men in my life. I hope he responds and shows how true he is about being a Christian. Then and only then can I think about anything else about him.
Which was comforting because I knew I would do better enjoying my life not sitting behind a computer trying to find love. At this moment I have no complaints.
Now that I'm in a new city I decided to change my location to once again see what I was facing. I've been less than enthralled with the people they've sent my way and as a result, I usually ignore the e-mails when they come through.
Today was the exception. One of my matches looked interesting so I decided to click on the profile and read more. I was happy I did. More than anything he talked about his faith and commitment to God and while it could all be false, I was intrigued. I decided to take a chance to message him (it required posting a picture which I will certainly take down after one week if he doesn't respond...) and see if he could recommend a church for me since I'm new to the city. I don't believe women should approach men and that will probably always remain my philosophy so I would love to have a friend who can help me find a place to worship.
I recognize a part of who I am in any relationship depends on my relationship with God so I need to have that on track before I do anything. I don't want to go through the motions with God. I want to have a loving and active relationship so that I can recognize all the information he gives me about the men in my life. I hope he responds and shows how true he is about being a Christian. Then and only then can I think about anything else about him.
Broken Souvenirs
Whenever I go on vacation, my nieces know to expect a present. In years past they've received every musical instrument sold on islands, including a paddle drum, recorder, maracas... There's just one thing that all of these gifts have in common- they all have the life span of maybe one to three weeks. Inevitably, something breaks off the toy and it gets discarded- forgotten from thereon.
That's how I felt about my island friend. At first he was a novelty and my ego benefitted from being wanted- pursued even - but then when reality arrived, I saw how flawed this toy was and I didn't want to play any more.
This move has helped create distance without me even trying which is why I also think it is the work of my heavenly creator. As I accepted my role of one of the people who would help him think about his relationship with Christ, I decided that it was the only role I felt comfortable playing. I saw that my time had expired.
Unfortunately, he didn't. So there have been several missed calls and he even recently blocked his number and called me with a frantic voice of whether I was okay. Because I skyped with Pro the other day and I've been talking to my family and friends back home, I haven't signed out. This morning I woke up and had a message from him asking how things are. I know it's time to cut the cord. If I'm going to live a life that's good and true, I must be honest. I've moved on to other toys in the playbox with more longevity.
That's how I felt about my island friend. At first he was a novelty and my ego benefitted from being wanted- pursued even - but then when reality arrived, I saw how flawed this toy was and I didn't want to play any more.
This move has helped create distance without me even trying which is why I also think it is the work of my heavenly creator. As I accepted my role of one of the people who would help him think about his relationship with Christ, I decided that it was the only role I felt comfortable playing. I saw that my time had expired.
Unfortunately, he didn't. So there have been several missed calls and he even recently blocked his number and called me with a frantic voice of whether I was okay. Because I skyped with Pro the other day and I've been talking to my family and friends back home, I haven't signed out. This morning I woke up and had a message from him asking how things are. I know it's time to cut the cord. If I'm going to live a life that's good and true, I must be honest. I've moved on to other toys in the playbox with more longevity.
Thursday
Schrödinger's cat
I heard about this experiment twice in one day this week and it is kind of fitting with what happened with Pro this week. It speaks to taking action to determine if something is or isn't what you think/hope it will be. In my case, the action necessary to determine our next level wasn't taken. I am going to mentally train myself that this was a good thing. After all, I'd prayed several times that we wouldn't make the wrong choice and I think God answered my prayer. Actually, not think. Know. And it feels good to know he's answering my prayers again (post to come soon about that) and I hope he will continue to guide us both (hopefully together) in the future.
A dig
Tonight I took a dig at The Graduate on Facebook. I've been getting into posting things again and well, I felt the need to let him know that some people follow through on their word when they say they will spend time with me. I guess lately when I replay things in my head I realize how much of a jerk he was and I get angry. And some days I want to call him and tell him what a jerk he was.
So this was my outlet today. If I didn't know where things were headed with Pro I would have put more but I don't want to be spiteful and have God take away this wonderful blossoming relationship. Ok, as I typed that sentence I realized I should say I don't want to be more spiteful by saying more about what I'm not sure of.
I think it's kind of funny how when I look at how things are developing, Pro and I are really trying to be friends first. I try to wait and ask him everything I want to know without assuming or looking to others to answer the question. We really are just friends helping each other out and encouraging the other along the way. Maybe that won't be enough to blossom into romance, but maybe it will... I will do my best to just enjoy the moment.
So this was my outlet today. If I didn't know where things were headed with Pro I would have put more but I don't want to be spiteful and have God take away this wonderful blossoming relationship. Ok, as I typed that sentence I realized I should say I don't want to be more spiteful by saying more about what I'm not sure of.
I think it's kind of funny how when I look at how things are developing, Pro and I are really trying to be friends first. I try to wait and ask him everything I want to know without assuming or looking to others to answer the question. We really are just friends helping each other out and encouraging the other along the way. Maybe that won't be enough to blossom into romance, but maybe it will... I will do my best to just enjoy the moment.
The Best
I've officially moved and Pro followed through on his promise to visit and hang out with me. We had a good time and I was thoroughly impressed how even though he ran into a few travel hiccups, he made it a point to spend time with me. As in as much time as he had originally promised he would.
IT FELT GOOD to have someone show me how much I meant to him by spending a lot of time with me. Today alone we were together for eight hours!!! And he had other people he was supposed to see but he chose me.
He's leaving Saturday to go out of the country for SIX WEEKS!!! That makes me sad. Although I will probably need that time to get adjusted to work, I'm sure he won't be too far off my mind.
I'm going to try hard not to over think this time around because what I thought was a tragic ending the last time proved to be okay given that he still wanted to see me this time. Last night when he left he sent me a text telling me he had a great time. And today before he left, he told me he really enjoyed my company. It's probably just his personality but he and I have had a good rapport from day one and he obviously feels comfortable with me - he rummaged through all my cabinets and even made fun of my lazy food choices (ramen noodles).
Before we parted today we had a talk about the state of "us." He said he wants to see how things play out as we become good friends and I think that is the wisest decision we could have made no matter how attracted we are to each other. From what he said, it sounded like he took some things into consideration that I shared and I appreciate his concern. I really want to believe its sincere.And he's challenged me to read this book series so that he and I can talk more about his past.
When I broke up with The Graduate part of it was that what he said didn't match what he did. Pro says things and does them. It's that simple. And he doesn't just do it with me, which is what is nice. I was honored that he wanted to spend his last night in the states having dinner with me (its just too bad that I am leaving so we had to change plans)...
He shared that while he's away he anticipates a lot of change in his life in terms of the people he chooses to spend his time with. I can only hope that our friendship will continue to develop during this six weeks. And if it does, then I hope I can return the favor for him and go visit him next time.
I should have savored our hug more. But it was a good hug and I'll try to recollect it when I go to bed tonight. Man, he is an awesome man.
IT FELT GOOD to have someone show me how much I meant to him by spending a lot of time with me. Today alone we were together for eight hours!!! And he had other people he was supposed to see but he chose me.
He's leaving Saturday to go out of the country for SIX WEEKS!!! That makes me sad. Although I will probably need that time to get adjusted to work, I'm sure he won't be too far off my mind.
I'm going to try hard not to over think this time around because what I thought was a tragic ending the last time proved to be okay given that he still wanted to see me this time. Last night when he left he sent me a text telling me he had a great time. And today before he left, he told me he really enjoyed my company. It's probably just his personality but he and I have had a good rapport from day one and he obviously feels comfortable with me - he rummaged through all my cabinets and even made fun of my lazy food choices (ramen noodles).
Before we parted today we had a talk about the state of "us." He said he wants to see how things play out as we become good friends and I think that is the wisest decision we could have made no matter how attracted we are to each other. From what he said, it sounded like he took some things into consideration that I shared and I appreciate his concern. I really want to believe its sincere.And he's challenged me to read this book series so that he and I can talk more about his past.
When I broke up with The Graduate part of it was that what he said didn't match what he did. Pro says things and does them. It's that simple. And he doesn't just do it with me, which is what is nice. I was honored that he wanted to spend his last night in the states having dinner with me (its just too bad that I am leaving so we had to change plans)...
He shared that while he's away he anticipates a lot of change in his life in terms of the people he chooses to spend his time with. I can only hope that our friendship will continue to develop during this six weeks. And if it does, then I hope I can return the favor for him and go visit him next time.
I should have savored our hug more. But it was a good hug and I'll try to recollect it when I go to bed tonight. Man, he is an awesome man.
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