This weekend while hanging out with my friends in Dallas I discovered the cold hard truth about my love life. And when it hit me, it wasn't pretty.
The party circle included my ex-boyfriend which meant facing him for the first time since April when we had yet another discussion about how we couldn't make things work between us. Initially, I did what every female would do when she learns that her ex is coming to the same party. 1. I considered the possibility of bringing a date to the festivities 2. I planned all my outfits that would be the most flattering and also make him remorseful for letting me go. 3. I gave myself pep talks and tried to ignore all the memories (both good and bad) that kept coming into my mind as drove into town.
Well, the truth of the matter is that no matter how many compliments I got and no matter how hard I tried to stay calm, the minute I saw him, I got nervous, jittery and just went into an emotional shell. It was if I forgot everything I knew about interacting with others in a social setting. I felt like no one else mattered in the room but him and when he gave me a cold brushoff when I attempted to make small talk I was crushed.
I knew I had to get my confidence back or at least get back to my initial game plan (make him suffer) so I sent BB messages to another friend who has the same problem. She gave me some great words - some were words of encouragement and others were just curse words but they did the trick. I spent most of Friday night trying to avoid him when we later went out to a club and doing my best to avoid talking to any guy who tried to hit on me in front of him. I did want to extend that courtesy because in the past we've both mentioned how difficult it is to see the other with someone else so I wanted to uphold my part of the bargain.
Saturday's agenda had been decided for me unbeknownigst to me and so I was committed to spending time at the mall with him and two other mutual friends. However, before we went, we had lunch with another friend and as we talked about our past, I realized I was still holding on to so much emotional baggage about the relationship. I only had a few minutes to recover before the venture at the mall so I once again reverted to avoiding him as much as possible.
Just when I was about to give up all hope that he and I could truly be friends, he finally broke down and showed me the sweet side of him that I always saw when no one else was around. This was the side of him that would do whatever I asked him without hesitation, sometimes without me asking. For instance, I simply inquired about his Rice Crispie treat that he was eating and he got up and retrieved one for me. And when I finished I held out the paper as he rose to do something else and he took it. I tested the waters once more by asking general questions to our host to which he took the lead on answering and offering a helping hand (finding me a bowl, putting back the cereal when I was finished) when necessary. For me, that was enough.
I played it cool the rest of the night and still kept a distance seeing as how our party was easily divided by the sexes, but we continued to communicate, sometimes via text and I had a good feeling about where we stood.
As we parted he said he'd see me in Houston and without giving it a second thought, I replied yeah right. As soon as I said it, he went back into his shell and I regretted my statement. Later, through text messages I tried to make sure he knew I really did enjoy seeing him and that I would like for us to hang out.
It was only after I sent that reply that I realized we still weren't ready for that. Because, the truth of the matter is, I'm still not over him. No matter how many dates I go on and new guys come along and treat me better this man has an amazing resilience that makes me suppress every wrong and concentrate on everything that was ever right with our relationship.
During my drive home I cried my eyes out as I tried to receive comfort and guidance from my favorite Christian songs. At the end of my four hour drive I felt more at peace but still in a state of shock at the astonishing fact that I am still in love with him. At the end of my drive the only thing I could think was how my favorite scripture tells us that "love hopes, believes and endures all things." That is definitely how I feel about him and I.
No matter what has happened in the past, I still forgive, hope, believe and keep trusting that in the future we have a future. Both of us may still have some things to work on so that we can be the people God wants us to be in the relationship, but if it is His will, I really and truly know that if GOD makes it happen, I will be so happy to be his wife.
